This came quite late for my
annual blog tradition where I describe my past year with two words. I was
caught up with pre-residency and eventually residency that I had little time to
sit down and write. So much for the introductory words. 2017 was my worst year.
Ever. All the terrible things that could happen in probably 5 years were
squeezed in a single year for me. What better way to describe it than LOSS and DEFEAT.
LOSS
What happened in Marawi is one
for the books, it will be marked in our history for the rest of our lives. The story
will be passed down from one generation to the next after us. We lost our most
prized possession—our homeland, including the properties which were product of
our parents’ and grandparents’ sweat and blood. Almost all our family’s
properties along Lilod Madaya---those of my grandmother, my grandaunts and
granduncles, my uncles and aunts, my cousins’—were lost to the war paved by
young men claiming to purge Marawi from its sins. It’s been eight months since
the siege and I still cannot get over it. I cannot even bring myself to watch
documentaries showing the massive destruction in our land.
In relation to the siege, I lost
someone very close to my heart. Someone I consider a sister. She was
blinded by a false ideology thinking that she can somehow save her family and
her land by joining the war. I shall respect whatever reasons she had for what she did will
never change how I saw her as one of the most kind, innocent and adorable
person I have ever met. She will never hurt even a fly. Her soft voice and
laughter will forever be remembered.
In the midst of the siege, I lost
one of the most important persons in my life---my grandmother. She was very
healthy at mid-80s, but one fine afternoon, as she was about to pray for
salaatul-‘asr, she fell while sitting on her bed and was declared DOA at the
hospital. I went home to Lanao del Sur, but not in Marawi. My heart was breaking
when I was there not being able to smell the fresh air of MSU or even take a
glimpse of Marawi because of the ongoing Martial Law. It pains me to see and to
know that my relatives, people I grew up with, were scattered all over
Mindanao.
At around that time, there were
many reports about missing men in Iligan and my brother-in-law was one of them.
He was abducted for almost 6 weeks, we initially thought it was a
kidnap-for-ransom case but we never heard from the abductors. My in-laws
searched the entire Lanao but to no avail. We’ve exhausted all the possible
means but everything turned out negative. We’ve only clung to our unrelenting
faith in Allah that he’ll be back to us safe and sound. True enough, when we’ve
almost lost hope, he unexpectedly appeared at the doorstep of their place in
Iligan. I will not dwell on the details of his abduction but up to now he has
no idea who his abductors were as he was blindfolded the whole time. What he
knows is that they were Visayan-speaking men. Alhamdulillah for the second
chance at life given to my brother-in-law. I pray those men won’t bother him
again.
DEFEAT
2017 was the best time for my
clinical career to get back on track. I applied for residency training at the
most prestigious Department of Internal Medicine at the Philippine General
Hospital. Out of 100+ exam takers, I was one of the 48 passers who qualified
for pre-residency. I was ecstatic when I passed the exam. Knowing how rusty my
brain has become after almost 3 years of not practicing, it came as a surprise
that some medical concepts were still retained in my memory. From the 48
pre-residents, only 36 of us made it at the end of the pre-res. The rest didn’t
continue while some quit in the middle. From 36, only 21 qualified for residency
training. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t make it. It kinda broke my heart a bit
because I prepared and worked hard for it but somehow I was thankful because in
the middle of pre-res I kept asking myself if I really want to pursue it there.
For the entire 2 weeks, I barely see my kids and I lost track of the household
that I manage. I left everything under the care of Jabar and the household
help.
I wasn’t ready to give up my
dream of becoming an internist yet. I looked for an open pre-res in other
hospitals. I tried Manila Doctors Hospital. They allowed me to go on pre-res
for a week along with 9 others but only 4 remaining slots were open. I gave my
best shot for that week. I was very competitive, always ready for an answer,
even the chief resident was rooting for me. I was kinda sure I will get in. For
the second time, I was defeated. Apparently, the chairman was doubting my
commitment because of Jabar’s nomadic nature of work. He was afraid I might quit
in the middle of residency. I cried buckets. I felt like I lost all the chance
of getting into residency. I’m getting old and the medical concepts I know are
becoming obsolete by the day. I need to refresh my brain.
*********************************
2017 taught me that with every loss
and defeat, there’s always a chance to rise above the challenges. Loss and
defeat are both a state of the mind. Meranaos have lost Marawi but our
consciousness will forever be connected to our beloved Ranao. Our Meranao-ness
will never be lost. We and our children will still speak our language, we will
still wear our malong, we will still cook and eat pindialokan a manok , and palapa
will still be our staple spice wherever in this world we will be. This
government may have succeeded in bombing our homes and driving us away, but
Meranaos will thrive and we will even become better people, in shaa Allah. With
our hands, blood and sweat, we will rebuild Marawi.
(Pause. I’m crying profusely now)
I may not have continued Internal
Medicine and I may have felt defeated after two attempts at IM residency but I
found my niche now with Family Medicine (FM). Alhamdulillah. Family Medicine is
a highly clinical branch but offers a lot more benign schedule. Residency
training in FM allows me to indulge in deep clinical learning and at the same
time take care of my children and of the household. It allows me to take care
of my own health and well-being. Alhamdulillah. Allah’s mercy is indeed
never-ending. I do not regret those time I went into IM pre-residency because I
met wonderful people and maybe that’s Allah’s way of not making me regret my
decisions. He made me experience what it is to become an IM resident but did
not bring me there because He knows it will not do me good.
Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah,
alhamdulillah. All Praise Is For the Lord of the Universe whose love and mercy
is boundless.
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