Decade Old MD

 I've been quite down these past few days, that occasional wave of sadness that comes and goes. Sometimes it clings for quite a bit. When you're immersed in that emotion, it's difficult to see the bright side. No matter how I try. 

Lately, I have been feeling unaccomplished. Trapped. Stagnant. I have a strong urge to reclaim my career. I feel that as time goes by, everything I know in the medical field will slowly fade away bringing me back to square one. I wouldn't want that.

Ten years ago today, I passed the Physicians Licensure Exam (PLE). It was the peak of joy and a feeling of success for my then 26-year old self. Today, as I reflect on the past ten years, a glimmer of gratitude came down on me. 

In the last decade, I served my hometown as a community doctor, I obtained my master's degree (MPM Major in Health Systems and Development), I finished Family Medicine residency and now a diplomate in that field, I married the best guy for me, I have housewife stints (on the second phase as of the moment), I have three beautiful daughters, I am healthy, my loved ones are healthy. Alhamdulillah.

That's more than enough to bring back the smile on my face. Allah swt is the Most Merciful. He is good, all the time. 

Ear Buddies

Hello, friends! Thanks to everyone who dropped a comment on my  previous blogpost. It's heartwarming to know that some of my friends, even if there's only 3 or 5 people of you, are reading my written thoughts. I hope I impart a little through sharing my life experiences. For the past decade of being here and on social media, I have gained a lot of knowledge through the people whose pages/accounts provide beneficial information. While many people agree that social media brought destruction to the fabric of our society, I think it really depends on how we consume it and not allowing these platforms to consume us. 

In this post, I'm going to share with you the podcasts I've been listening to for quite a while now. I've been a huge podcast listener during my housewife days in Bangkok, in a way it helped me clear out the conversations in my head and cope with the emotional distress I didn't acknowledge I had. I devoured  Ted Talk, Muslim Sheikhs like Mufti Menk and Nou'man Ali Khan, and my morning barkada: The Morning Rush (with Chico, Gino and Delle). I follow these people on Instagram even after Gino and Delle left the show. That's how I learned about The Eve's Drop. 

The Eve's Drop is hosted by three former women DJs of RX 93.1 --- Delamar, Gelli and Fran, produced by another former DJ Jude Rocha. Jude also participates in their convo. They talk about current events and pop culture; and guest significant people. As a woman and a mom, it's very easy to relate to them, especially during the start of this pandemic, I listen to them more often. 

In contrast to what The Eves are talking about, obviously these two ulamas deliver Islamic talks and most importantly, how to live in this highly corrupted society. I love how they remind us to always have hope in the mercy of Allah swt, and that His mercy supersedes His wrath. They don't bash other religions or those who do not strictly follow Islam, rather gives hope that these people may find spiritual enlightenment. They speak kindly but remind sternly that everything on earth is temporary. 

Mindful Muslimah is an American revert who lives in New York and serves as an older sister or in Filipino, "Ate", to her Muslim women followers. She's a niqabi and prefers to keep her identity private. She shares a lot about marriage, parenting, homeschooling, relationships, all within the context of Islam. Alhamdulillah. She's pretty much the life coach I've been looking for. She speaks about living as a Muslim woman/mom in this modern world. She also started a Book Club and of course you don't need to guess who got herself in! Lol. 

 

I love Michelle Obama. Period. Haha! In Meranao phrase, she is: "pka-datu iyan si karoma niyan" (in direct translation, she who can make her husband a king) that every mother looks for in a daughter-in-law. She's the greater force behind her husband's political career. She took care of the family while keeping her own career as a lawyer and still able to push her personal advocacies --- while her husband is in politics. She did that with a very minimal support system: her mother and few friends. Her podcast featured people close to her like her own family members, and selected friends who are a huge part of their administration. 

I hope you enjoy these podcasts as much as I do! You don't need a "spare" time in listening to them because you can do it while on to other things like driving, cooking or doing the laundry. It keeps you from possible negative thoughts and fills it in with inspirational messages from these empowered people. They are all on Spotify, btw.

Happy listening!

I got your back.

I share the burden. 

I share the tears.

I cry with you. 

But, I'll carry on. 

Let's carry on.

We'll get through this. 

I'll remain to keep that little spark of positivity alive. 

I can see the light.

Believe.

Have faith.

Just please, don't let me drown with you. 

Leap Of Faith

I'm currently staring at my residency application form that I will be submitting in a few days together with my other academic credentials. I prepared myself for this --- emotionally (and intellectually? Nah. I don't think I've reviewed enough. I'm actually panicking!). I'm hyperventilating by the mere thought of residency. Now the most important question to ponder on: am I ready to sacrifice precious moments with my daughters for the advancement of my career, for honing the craft I've worked hard for all my life? 

                                          

The blank application form is staring right back at me as if nodding in affirmation. Not too long ago, I made a decision that changed my life. I --- a provincial girl who never left her comfort zone --- took a big leap of faith and chose to spend a year of internship at an institution where all brilliant minds in the Philippine medical field meet. Considering I wasn't on the topmost of my class, I wasn't sure if I will get accepted. A year later, I finished my medical internship with grace and pride and eventually passed the medical board exam. 

                                            

I'm at it again. It's different now though because as I will be holed up the next three years of my life in the hospital, I will not only be sacrificing my personal social life but I have two daughters and a husband who will bear the consequences of my frequent absence in their lives. 

I ask myself this, WILL IT BE WORTH IT? 

It is difficult now, but perhaps, my family will thank me in the future for treading this path, for making this crucial decision. 

Yes, in shaa Allah, it will be worth it. 

Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem. 

On Parenting

My eldest, Yamyam (Amina Mariam), is turning two years old in few days which means it’s been two years since Jabar and I became parents! The fun part is becoming parents to TWO KIDS in a span of TWO YEARS! Hahahaha! No guys, I’m way too far from being an expert in this parenting business but I’m going to share with you bits of what I’ve learned as a Mom.

Yamyam playing with stones

  

1.)  Each child has a unique pace of development

You know how when you’re pregnant for the first time and you download all the apps that tracks your baby’s development? We’re so excited, right? When the baby is still in the tummy, I think it’s alright to keep track every single minute that your baby is growing his ears or opening his eyes, etc. But when he’s already out in this world, there’s a certain age range for him to achieve his developmental milestones. So don’t fret when he’s not yet rolling over at 4 months, or not yet sitting on his own at 8 months. Your baby’s just finding his perfect time and eventually he’ll get there.  

      2.) There’s no manual for parenting

I wish there’s one so we can just follow the steps especially on the troubleshooting part aka tantrums, unfortunately, there’s none. All the parenting articles out there or even books and apps are merely GUIDES. I believe the key is to not compare your child to other kids and even yourself to other parents. You may have breastfed your child while others may not have for some valid reasons. Baby-led weaning may have worked for them but not in your household. Others may have raised their children in a Montessori environment but unfortunately for you, you don’t have that kind of environment. THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE. Do what works for you and for your family.

Amreen at 4 months old

3.)  Kids do not need fancy stuff

We, parents, want the best for our children. However, what is deemed best may be quite expensive. There was an instance when I bought a quite pricey toy because apparently, it is good for an infant’s sensory and visual development, a perfect teething aide and it garnered excellent reviews and even endorsed by celebrities! But when I got home and so excited for my little daughter to play with it, she threw it and didn’t even like getting a grip of it! Ugh. See? Most often than not, we buy stuff for our own satisfaction, stuff that our kids barely need in actuality. Whenever I am in the kids’ section, I always ask myself: am I buying this for my baby, or for my own satisfaction because it is Instagram-worthy? *rolls eyes at myself*

4.) Every child is different

As well as every pregnancy. Yes. When I was pregnant with my second child, I was expecting the exact same experience as with my firstborn. I was even expecting them to look exactly the same! Hahaha! Oh boy was I wrong. I have now two daughters who are completely different from each other, and in some ways, raised differently. Yamyam was delivered normally but was only breastfed for two months while Amreen was delivered via CS (she was a breech baby!) but exclusively breastfed until as of writing time. Yamyam is mini-Jabar while Amreen is mini-me (although a lot of people still says that she looks more like her father. Ugh. No way, I insist she looks like me guys!). Yamyam is the rowdy one while Amreen is more quite and lady-like (yes, I can say that even though she’s only 8 months old. Lol!). I hate comparing them two, or even hearing other people comparing them, because they are two unique individuals. Children can be raised in a single household by the same parents but they’ll eventually grow up with different inclinations, wants and needs.

Yamyam enjoying a book at the day care

5.) Be in the moment, they’re not going to be the way they are now forever

Several months ago, I deleted my Twitter app on my phone followed by my Facebook app. Being detached from social media and all the negativities it brings gave me more time to be mentally present with my kids. I got to observe their little nuances and even the arrangement of the pores on their skin. As I was scanning through Yamyam’s infant photos, I felt a little nostalgic. It wasn’t too long ago (that was just last year!) when I was holding her in my arms swaying her around until she falls asleep. I don’t do that to her anymore and most of the time she doesn’t want to be carried any longer. She even pushes me because she wants to run, run, and run around. Aaaawww… so I cherish every single second that Amreen wants to be carried by me especially when she yearns for my breasts to be able to sleep. The time will come that, just like her sister, she won’t be breastfeeding anymore and won’t be needing me as much as she does now.  

6.) They’ll eventually learn to be independent

There were moments before that I thought I should have practiced baby-led weaning for Yamyam so it would be effortless on my part to feed her. I find it so difficult to spoon feed a child who refuses to eat! There’s too much drama and stress. Until two months ago, I realized that she refuses to eat because she wants to hold the spoon by herself! She wants to eat alone and drink from her glass of water without needing much assistance from me! Oh my child, how you’ve grown. So moms, don’t stress out when your baby seems over clingy. You’ll be surprised one day they do their own things alone.

7.) Subsequent babies are easier to handle than the first ones

Of course because we already know the drill. Besides, I want to believe that we’re correcting our mistakes this time around so we’re doing things better than what we did with our firstborn. With our second babies (and the succeeding ones), we become less of a worrywart. We know that it’s ok if they lose their balance and hit the floor while trying to master the art of walking, we don’t get cyanotic first when our babies gag on their first few solid food intake, and yes, your baby is completely fine if he gets bitten by mosquitoes once in a while or accidentally sustained an abrasion on his knees. It’s not always your fault, Moms, it’s just your kids being kids!

If you’re the kind of Mom who fret at every little thing concerning your children’s upbringing, well, you’re not alone but first, chillax. Breathe. Tantrums will eventually cease and your children will grow and you will miss them. Always remember to be in the moment. Play with them, laugh with them, shower them daily with lots of hugs and kisses. Give yourself some me-time, pamper yourself, eat good food and be healthy. What really matters is our family’s happiness and saving our own sanity. I hope some points here did help and may we raise our children gracefully and lovingly. Have a great day, Mommies! 

Thoughts On The Marawi Siege

Can you imagine the place where you were born and raised reduced to rubble and ashes?

Photo courtesy of Najib Zacaria (Facebook)

I can’t. Never in a million years. But, it happened.

Two months ago, our city was attacked by young men claiming to purge Marawi from the heavy burden of major sins it carries and ultimately let Islam, their definition of Islam, rule the city. Chaos ensued. The high and mighty Meranaos left their turf and found themselves in evacuation centers or in houses of relatives in the nearby cities of Iligan and Cagayan de Oro. The government forces started to bomb the city to get rid of the terrorists. Airstrikes and bombings continue to rain as of writing time. It is unfathomable.

Photos courtesy of Marawi City Pulse (Facebook Page)

A divine punishment?

I have long been anticipating an end to the madness of the unruly Meranaos. I was guessing of a major calamity to hit like the one I saw at Leyte (typhoon Yolanda) or at Davao Oriental (typhoon Pablo). Just like anything in life, Allah’s plans are unpredictable and way beyond our imaginations. Any Meranao who have observed other cities in comparison to ours will definitely agree on one thing: ours is regressing to anarchy. I do not want to highlight here all the bad stuff going on my beloved city before the siege happened but in a nutshell, major corruption and abuses from the grassroots to the top is undeniable.

What are they fighting for?

The perpetrators of the attack were young idealistic group of young Meranao men who were disappointed by the society, significantly by our leaders and the people who are following them blindly. Knowing that Islam is perfect and is the only solution, they wanted to truly raise Islamic law (shari’ah) in the “Islamic City” of Marawi. However forcibly and violently, out of the teachings of Allah (swt) in the Holy Qur’an and of the Prophet Mohammad (saw) in his hadith (traditions). As the siege continues, the story slowly unfolded. The attackers were not only composed of Meranaos (Maute Group) but they were joined by Tausug bandits (Abu Sayyaf) and even foreign-based terrorists under the flag of ISIS. Several conspiracy theories even rolled out, that President Duterte has his hands on this in order to declare Martial Law in the island of Mindanao as his only way to capture big time drug lords who are hiding in Marawi and in the mountains of Lanao del Sur.

I strongly disagree with the attackers' extremist ideology, that is not the Islam I was taught of. The Islam which taught me to be merciful and forgiving of other people even to those who do not share the same faith with me, the Islam which taught me patience and respect, the Islam which taught me to be gentle and loving. I do not understand which part of the Qur'an or which hadith they are fighting for. Who misled these people? Who planted hatred in their hearts? Why are they so full of it? Jihad? Is it not that the major jihad that every Muslim must fight is his own ego? His own evil? They're spreading evil and mischief and yet they do not know it. They're the hypocrites that Allah (swt) has mentioned in Surah al-Baqarah. 

"And when it is said to them, 'do not cause corruption on earth', they say, 'we are but reformers."

 "Unquestionably, it is they who are corrupters, but they perceive it not." (Holy Qur'an. Surah Al-Baqarah, 11-12)

The fall of the Meranaos.

Today is the 76^th day of the siege, 76^th day of our nightmare and it seems that the end is not about to happen soon. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that my own family are internally displaced people now. My aunts and my 80+ y/o grandma left our ancestral home in Lilod Madaya on the 4^th day of the attack, they put Ina on her wheelchair and hiked from Lilod crossing Mapandi bridge up to Old Capitol and down to Emi (almost 6-8km) where a car was waiting for them to bring them to Pantar. I cannot fathom what they had to go through, the emotional and physical pain. My sister-in-law and my nephew and niece had to walk almost 2 kilometers where my brother was waiting for them as cars cannot pass through their barangay. My mother-in-law left their house with only her handbag and the clothes she was wearing. My cousin even left the money she was keeping for her children’s enrollment thinking that they’d be coming back after 2-3 days. I’m in tears now. Pause.

Everyone has a depressing story to tell. My parents are left in our house in MSU, they refused to leave no matter how strong I urged them over the phone. The military secured the campus, they told me. They felt safe. But the earth-shaking sound of the airstrikes and bombs are very loud from our house, I can even hear it over the phone everytime I call Mama. MSU is the only stronghold left for the Meranaos. If they take it away from us, then they just dim the light that put Meranaos on the Philippine and even on the world map.

The Ruins of Marawi.

Photo courtesy of Marawi City Pulse (Facebook Page)

Every time my father and I go downtown Marawi, we notice all the bad stuff all around us. Garbage, narrow streets, tarpaulins, lawless elements aka motorcycle drivers and even unruly motorists. He once quipped that the only solution is to leave Marawi and create a new one. That’s why, I told him, a lot of Meranaos flee to live in the metro or abroad and vowing never to come back. Others return several decades later to attend a loved one’s funeral or to see their loving relatives. It is like a prophecy coming to life. Seeing all the destruction, it is eerie to return to the city and live in it again. If my father and I can have our way (which is one million times impossible), we want to leave the ruined part of the city as it is. The ruins will remind us and our children of what we were as a people and how we rose (speaking from the future) from the rubble and ashes of destruction.  I hope we can build a new Marawi elsewhere, where we can apply the better change we were clamoring for, where true and just governance can take place, where we can truly change anew. Lanao del Sur is a wide and a beautiful province, we can choose anywhere around the Lake. Just please, don't take MSU away from us. 

Life has a distinct way of tossing at us incredible twists and turns that majorly disrupts our plans for the future. There are detours and setbacks which are, in retrospect, part of the Divine Plan arranged for us by The Great Force maneuvering our lives. We should always think of these segues as part of putting us on the right track. Other people would give an arm and a leg to catch what you were tossed with. 

This time, I shall put on hold worrying/thinking about the future. I shall enjoy all these beautiful surprises, which are not part of my plan, but definitely a plan of my Creator. For He is the Best of Planners, I could never be audacious to ever question His plans. And yes, life doesn't get as exciting as now.

I am but a grateful creature. 

Ad Interim

Jabar came home today carrying empty balikbayan boxes. Balikbayan literally means repatriate and these huge boxes are privileged duty and tax free when sent to the Philippines by OFWs. The sight of these boxes signals that we are about to leave soon. That would be less than two months from now. I will have to say goodbye to my comfortable Bangkok life and say hello to chaotic Manila and God-knows what's in store for me there. I feel nostalgic about this city as early as now. Thinking about it, this is nothing new to me. I have been a nomad since I started medical school in Iligan City. I haven't stayed in one place for at least 5 years straight since then. I have lived in Iligan, Manila, Cotabato, and then back to Marawi for less than two years before I moved here in Bangkok. It's always a cycle of heartbreak from leaving the customary life I got used to (including saying goodbye to the people I got fond of) and then eventually settling into an unfamiliar environment. I never liked goodbyes. But this nomadic life teaches me a thing or two.

A Temporary World 

Collecting things was a fad in my teenage years. I had friends who had likings for cute mugs, stuffed toys, note pads, note books, colognes or anything so long as we had a "collection" to call in order to fit into the circle. I collected colognes in high school and then started my book collection in college. I buy them from my school allowance so that means skipping a meal a day. Some of those in my circle elevated their collections into bags, shoes, make-ups and perfumes. Seeing my properly arranged cologne collections back then and my perfectly stacked books on top of my tiny cabinet brought so much satisfaction. Until I started moving from one place to another. Naturally, I only take with me my basic needs leaving everything behind back home. While I am away, some of my siblings like to take over my room and rearrange my stuff to accommodate theirs. Through the years, some of my "prized possessions" got lost (except the books which I usually leave inside my father's library so nobody touches them) and eventually realized that collecting unnecessary things only add up to the mess. I cannot take them wherever I go anyway. Hence, moving from place to another made me let go of "collecting" material things.

"Know that the life of this world is only play, and idle talk, and pageantry, and boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children; as the likeness of vegetation after the rain, whereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller, but afterward it drieth up and thou seest it turning yellow, then becometh straw. And in the Hereafter there is grievour punishment, and (also) forgiveness from Allah and His good pleasure, whereas the life of the world is but matter of illusion." Holy Qur'an (57:20)

Islam strongly emphasizes that we, earthlings, are but travelers on this world. Someday, we will perish taking with us into our graves nothing but what our souls have acquired. We are always reminded how temporary this world is. This lessens my hold on material things by discriminating what I really need from what I only want (thus more savings for the husband? lol).

Change Is Constant

I should have known this gazillion years ago but I admit to have oftentimes fear change. I think I am the least person adaptable to change. I need plenty of time to acclimatize before situations finally sink in to my being. But I cannot stop it from happening. The universe is in constant motion of changes so does our nomadic life and I must accept that fact. Jabar usually finds me looking at old photos and tracking down physical changes or reminiscing the past. It's not a healthy habit, he told me. Frequently looking back on the past hinders you to enjoy your present, he reminds me. There, hard truth shoved right on my face. I guess I need to delete my timehop app.

"[...]but it may happen that you hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that you love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, you know not." Holy Qur'an (2:216)

Allah Is The Best Planner

Hardly a day goes by without me thinking of what tomorrow would bring. If a telescope is drilled inside my head, you will see my mind thinking like a domino. Rarely do I not ponder on the consequences of every action or circumstance. So I always have a plan at hand, always an A and a B. The bad thing though is, I am not a flexible person. I get frustrated once my plans didn't push through. I would like to be spontaneous but I have difficulty getting it into my system. One thing that I keep forgetting is the presence of a Great Force that arranges the sequence of my life in a suitable manner.

"[...]they plan, but Allah also plans; and Allah is the Best of Planners."  Holy Qur'an (8:30) 

Allah has proven to me many times over how a failed plan lead to a more productive alternative. Never did living abroad passed through my mind, but marrying someone in the Foreign Service is a consequence of my choice. When Jabar accepted the posting in Nigeria (he was an adventurous single guy then), he was assured of crossposting to Pakistan after two years. His travel order was already made but circumstances further delayed his crossposting. We almost lost hope and I already settled my mind of a life in Africa. Nothing's bad about that, Abuja is a great place for expats. But when he caught malaria for the fourth time, it pushed him to write a letter to their home office to recall him if crossposting will not take place. He was then crossposted to Bangkok few months before I end my DTTB stint. Subhanallah. Indeed, Allah knows what's best for us.


Hellos and goodbyes should have been incorporated in me by now. This is the life that we will live for as long as Jabar stays in the Foreign Service. We will have to raise multilingual third culture kids who will struggle with fitting their identity into their community. Alright, that's me thinking twenty years ahead to the future. What I mean is, I should get used to this.

An Excerpt from I Am Malala

"Would it have been better if we had not become independent but stayed part of India?" I asked my father. It seemed to me that before Pakistan there was endless fighting between Hindus and Muslims. Then even when we got our own country there was still fighting, but this time it was between mohajirs and Pashtuns and between Sunnis and Shias. Instead of celebrating each other, our four provinces struggle to get along... Did all this fighting mean we needed to divide our country yet again?

There seemed to be so many things about which people were fighting. If Christians, Hindus or Jews are really our enemies, as so many say, why are we Muslims fighting with each other? Our people have become misguided. They think that their greatest concern is defending Islam and are being led astray by those like the Taliban who deliberately misinterpret the Qur'an. We should focus on practical issues. We have so many people in our country who are illiterate. And many women who have no education at all. We live in a place where schools are blown up. We have no reliable electricity supply. Not a single day passes without the killing of at least one Pakistani. 

This girl is superb at such young age! I was watching youtube clips of her speeches and interviews and I can't help but get astounded by her unique train of thoughts for an EIGHTEEN year-old! What was I doing when I was eighteen? Did I even think of having an advocacy? Perhaps, when one is in a horrendous situation like that, it makes one's maturity shoot up a thousand folds.

The Taliban rule makes me think of the MILF ruling over us. I have nothing against them nor am I against the good intention of the Bangsamoro Basic Law, but somehow, it didn't push through for a reason. Maybe that is better for us. Maybe we are not ready yet. With everything that is going on in the ARMM, the crimes, the political clashes, the usurpation of power, how can we say we are ready to govern ourselves? I personally do not depend my freedom on the BBL nor on any political figure. Like Malala and from the experience of my own father, only education can give us freedom. Acquisition of quality education, no matter where it come either from the West or East because all knowledge and wisdom are from Allah alone, can free us from the dark abyss of ignorance and oppression.

You can watch her Nobel Peace Prize Speech HERE,  and the documentary by the New York Times when she was only 10 is HERE.   This NYT documentary opened her and her father's voice to the world. Since then, she and her father, a staunch critic of the Taliban and an advocate of women's education, were frequently invited to speaking engagements and interviews by the media. This made them a target of the Taliban. But nobody knew that the Taliban would dare shoot a child right on her face for her love of education. To their dismay, she lived to continue her advocacy and to represent the 66 million girls all over the world who are deprived of education for several reasons, the main reason is by being a girl. :( 

Big Three Oh!

Spare me from those who dread getting old because I am one of those who celebrate the inevitable increase in age. My heart is swelling with gratitude as I reach my big 3-0 as I often associate age with accomplishments. I live my life based on a timeline I set. There may be adjustments based on Divine Intervention which are mostly beautiful surprises thrown along the way but, alhamdulillah, I have targeted most of the goals I set for myself. The most important thing I have accomplished before I turn 30 is having a child. It is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me in my 30 years of existence! I couldn't be more grateful! 

Photo taken last February at a temple in Chinatown in time for the Chinese New Year. Behind me is a portrait of the longest reigning  and the richest monarch in the world, King Bumhibol Adulyadej (Rama IX). I was 3 months pregnant in this photo. 

I have transitioned a lot this year. Aside from being a full time wife, I am now a full time mom (until we return to the Philippines and I go into residency). I have learned to value substantial relationships with the people who really mattered to me such as my parents, siblings and friends who have stood beside me through thick and thin, I have learned to let go of those who doesn't value me back as a person. We live in a temporary world, whatever we have now will vanish into thin air someday, so I have also learned to live in the present and cherish each second I spend with my love ones.  

At this age, all I want is continuous good health for my parents, siblings and nephew, husband, daughter and for myself. I pray for an increase in my imaan (faith) and knowledge; and to be able to fulfill what is expected of me as a Muslim, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and as a friend. I pray to be able to hone my craft as a physician and touch more lives. I pray to have a more grateful, forgiving, patient and joyous heart. 

I plan but Allah is the Best Planner. 

Thoughts About Motherhood

When you haven't had a baby yet, it is very easy to put little value to what our parents, especially our mothers, have done for us. It is very easy to reduce all their hardworks and efforts to keep us thriving since the day we were born as a mere "responsibility". When they recount the difficulties they encountered in raising us, we hear blah-blahs floating in the air without painting the real picture in our minds. I heard some people argue against their parents on the basis that they didn't choose to be born in this world. What they didn't realize is that our parents are not only doing the things they do for us out of responsibility but out of unconditional love. The kind of love that they didn't thought of, but one that is born out of instinct. When our parents decided to keep us, it comes with shouldering the responsibility to raise us as moral beings. 

Me and my new BFF (2 months old).  

                               

That is exactly how I feel for my daughter. I want to give her all the best in this world not only because it is my God-given responsibility but out of maternal instinct that is love. I prayed to have my own children even before praying to meet the man that would be their father. Therefore I cannot put into words the emotions when I learned that I was pregnant, much more when I already have her in my arms. I often caught myself staring at her when she's sleeping and responding to her babbles as if we're in the middle of a conversation. I usually imagine our future exchange of thoughts and opinions and the many places we would travel as a family. She would be our future best friend, our confidante, our travel buddy and our future care taker when her father and I gets old. She is my daughter and the world would be her playground. In shaa Allah. 

#lifelessons

Maturity as defined in psychology is "the ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner", it does not come with age; nevertheless, people are expected to behave in a certain way appropriate to their age. Maturity is generally learned rather than instinctive, it develops depending on the different circumstances people are exposed to, or depending on the model they look up to. Apart from actual life occurrences, we acquire maturity based on the examples led by people before us or from the characters of movies or TV shows we've seen, or from the books we read. The word maturity entails change which means that as we go through the various phases of life, we ascend to a certain level of maturity that allows us to change our attitude, response and behavior in a better way. Most often than not, these changes also include our relationship with the people around us. During that difficult phase in my life, I learned plenty of things about myself, accepted my mistakes, and vowed to turn over a new leaf which ultimately resulted to a better relationship with my family and my husband. Through these years, I am continuously learning from all the circumstances I am put through. Let me just give you a quick rundown on my #lifelessons:

a. Some so-called "friends" can easily turn away from you

     Friends are our family outside our home, while we can classify them from being an "acquaintance" to "close" to "best" friends depending on the level of knowing each other through and through to the level of outpouring of emotions to one another. In my 29-years, I have gained a lot of friends from all walks of life and I adore most of the friends I have. The last time I was into a major squabble was in grade-school, and if my memory serves me right, I was not the one who started such. My bestfriend and I often refer to ourselves as the "bullied ones", never the bullies. We would usually sulk in silence in one corner until the other party agrees to befriend us again. Oh, those days. I don't have any recollection of anybody who complained about my attitude towards them, including those I befriended in the workplace. I always keep my relationship in constant check as I try to avoid any trouble with anyone. Hence recently, I was taken aback when a so-called friend, without even speaking to me, threw nasty tweets apparently directed at me, accusing me of trash-talking her. She even has more horrendous accusations questioning my personality that I never thought would come out of her mind. I never expected her to think of me that way considering how much I adore her as an academically intelligent and a generally nice person. I never thought she had all those accumulated judgment about me all throughout the years that we're "friends". The saddest part is that she never talked to me or confronted me to clarify the things that caused her anger towards me, I am left without defense. I realized later on through her actions (not replying to my social media messages and eventually totally blocking me out) that her anger, was indeed, towards me. I was initially fumed but thinking it through, I decided to keep my silence all along. Perhaps, we haven't invested that much into our relationship as "friends" that it was easy for her to turn her back on me. Perhaps, we were just an "acquaintance" all along. It's sad but I guess, that's just how some people are. 

b. Think before you click    

    Social media has given us too much power to express our thoughts, it provides an opportunity to showcase our skills and talents, and for some, show off material possessions. Much has been said about the effects of social media on people and their relationships. I have always been critical of my posts that I sift through my mind before clicking because I am well aware that anything I post is a reflection of my personality. I openly post my opinions about social events, politics, my work, and my fascinations. Little did I know that one vague post directed at show-off corrupt politicians would trigger an anger from the abovementioned friend. I didn't think it would hit her, she was far off my mind when I posted that, it was a general statement not directed to anyone but to "show-off corrupt politicians". As they say, one can only react when one's guilty, therefore I don't hold myself responsible for her reaction. But it cast a huge lesson for me, that is to think DEEPER before clicking. I thought I was a responsible enough social media user, apparently not. Perhaps, some of my friends and I have grown differing in political and social opinions that it brought us to a brink of ruining a friendship. I learned now that MOST THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID.      

c. Dismiss the hate whisperers

 
     We cannot please everybody, somebody will always have something to say with whatever we do or we don't do. Our intentions will be taunted, hurtful and baseless accusations will be thrown at us but I learned to just IGNORE them. For as long as I know my truth, my loved ones and my God know me better than anyone. Besides, we are not supposed to be defined by other people's opinion of us. Them hate whisperers can sit and talk about you all day long because perhaps, they have nothing better to do with their lives, just ignore what they will have to say. If you join their mudslinging and nitpicking then you have just removed the barrier that differs you from them. There is bliss in ignorance. *winks*      

d. Attitude of forgiveness

    There are two sides of forgiveness: seeking it and granting it. When you think you're innocent, you don't see the importance of seeking forgiveness; and when you're badly hurt, forgiveness is beyond you. Islam has strongly emphasized the significance of seeking for forgiveness from God because sometimes, we are oblivious to the tiny sinful acts or thoughts. Islam also urges us to seek and grant forgiveness easily to those who has oppressed or hurt us. However, when pride and ego (or shaytaan) gets in the way, it is the MOST DIFFICULT THING TO DO. I was recently reading Nick Vujicic's Life Without Limits  and he said something about forgiveness:

"An attitude of forgiveness set me free. You see, when you hold on to old hurts, you only give power and control to those who hurt you, but when you forgive them, you cut the ties with them. They can no longer yank on your chain. Don't get hung up on thinking that by forgiving you are doing them a favor; if nothing else, DO IT FOR YOURSELF."

   If I dwell on my friend's harsh judgments about me and I allow my pride to get into the way, then it would be probably hard for me to forgive her. I looked at the situation in a selfless manner, I set my pride aside, forgot what she said (all lies anyway), and gathered my courage to seek for her forgiveness. Besides, it was my post that started the brawl so I might as well end it. I sent her a message (as you know, I am one country away) apologizing for whatever I said that might have hurt her, no mudslinging no nitpicking, in a sheer hope that our friendship might be saved. Much to my fear of being ignored, I was seenzoned (hahahaha!). It's alright, by sincerely forgiving her and asking for her forgiveness, I set myself free. 

   
e. Learn to let go and move on

    The only thing constant in life, as they say, is change. People come and go, situations happen, but it will all pass. Cherish your friends, old and new, and make it a goal to create more meaningful relationships. Let go of those who are hurting you because there's no reason for you to nurse a heartache you don't deserve. Constantly hold on to your faith and never forget to pay your gratitude, things do happen for a reason and be thankful that God spared you for whatever further trouble there might have been. There is always a brighter future ahead for each and everyone of us, as long as we leave our old and dirty baggage behind, then there is no way for us but to proceed to the more beautiful things there is in life. :)

I want to end this post with some of the favorite wise words I read (mostly from the social media, or I heard quoted by someone else) which helped me deal with the nasty judgments:

"If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself; if it be a lie, laugh at it." -                                                             Epictetus

"When men speak ill of you, so live that nobody will believe them." -Plato

"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be." -Albert Einstein