chronicles of a doctor mom: 2019

December 15, 2019

Dreams do come true

If you tell the 15-year old me that in her 30s, she'd be living her dreams, her mind would be blown.

Like, who would have thought?

Alhamdulillah for everything --- my faith in Allah, my family, my friends and for my job.

All is well, in shaa Allah.

2020, you were once a dream, now I am so ready for you. 🧡🥳

December 2, 2019

A

I heard you're tying the knot soon, an answered prayer for both you and I.
I've been praying for you to have everything I have now --- a blissful marriage and beautiful children. Naks *wink*
I think that is my way of relieving the guilt of heartache that I didn't know I cause you.

But wait, who caused heartache to whom?

Ten years ago, you broke my heart into tiny pieces. You had no idea.
Do you remember that New Year's Eve? We were together but I knew your heart and mind was wandering to someone else. And there I was, faking a smile and holding back my tears.

I was wondering, was it just few weeks before that we were talking endlessly at night and you would send me flirting clues? You thought I was naive? Do you remember the star? It's still up there, perhaps smirking at how fate turned out for us. I didn't like looking at the stars since then, which I used to love, when you broke my heart. All the magical vibes the stars in the sky gave me dissipated.
I wondered, was I just assuming that you were into me as well? Did we have some sort of a mutual understanding?

And on the night I thought I was ready for you, you told me you found the woman who made you happy. Unfortunately, it wasn't me.
Oh boy, did I bawl for days.
You talked incessantly about her----to me. How dare you.

I moved on with my life, focusing on my goal of becoming a full-fledged physician and making myself better in preparation for my The One, and I was also quite sure it wasn't you.

We would occasionally meet in the metro when you were just starting a career. We'd have coffee, dine out or go see a movie. Everything was platonic, or was I just pretending? A tiny voice in me says I like you, but I killed that voice. I wouldn't deny I wished you tell me that everything about you and her was over, but then you would still talk about her shit to me. Of all people, to ME. And all my romantic ideas about you and I died down.

So yes, I continued moving on with my life.
I prayed for the man who deserves all the love I was ready to give. Allah heard and granted my prayer.

I remember talking to you about the guy --- my husband now. I was so kilig. You told me you're happy for me. I invited you to my wedding. I even asked you to play the piano and because we're friends I thought you'd agree to it. But you turned me down. Fine, I said. Anyway it's not the first time you turned me down.

A year later, I was told how my marriage affected you. I was surprised. I mattered to you pala.
I swear I felt vindicated. I gloated! Yes, I laughed so hard at your "misery".
1:1
Quits na tayo.

It's been a decade since we first met and the heartache you caused me. I am at a perfect place in my life right now but I know I wouldn't be completely happy seeing you without you finding your The One. Yes, you mattered to me and you still do. :) We live in a very small world so I hope we find genuine friendship and may we leave everything that happened in the past behind. We gotta accept that some things are not just meant to be.

Congratulations to you and I wish you all the best.
I hope we can still have coffee just like the old days---this time though, with our respective spouses. :)

October 19, 2019

Semi-Zero-Social-Media Challenge

I challenged myself out-of-the-blue to disable my Instagram account and uninstall my Facebook account. I've always been like that, uninstall-reinstall. My Twitter accout is still there though, I think I need it.

Why?

My in-service exam is fast approaching and my research proposal is still hanging. Social media is ruining my life and I am constantly conscious about it. Also, I want to go back to writing and expressing myself without limitations. Here in my blog, I am not afraid to be judged because nobody comes here to purposely read me. Nobody. Errr, perhaps one or two people. Thank YOU. But Instagram? People judge everything. That has always been my issue --- fear of being judged. Although I always say I don't care about what people think, honestly I am still a tad bit affected.

Oh well, let's see how long this lasts. Maybe 24 hours? A week? Or a month?

Support me, yeah?

Changes

Hello, my dear reader(s).
It has been a terrible year dealing with so many circumstances occurring all at the same time in my life.
I dealt with a lot of emotions.
I was consumed.
There were days when I wake up feeling not knowing what to do with the things that needed to be done.
I procrastinated a lot.
I can no longer justify my bad habits.
Hopefully I can talk and write about it.
My struggles.
Yes I will, when I stop using instagram and twitter.
Perhaps, I can go back to writing again.