Decade Old MD

 I've been quite down these past few days, that occasional wave of sadness that comes and goes. Sometimes it clings for quite a bit. When you're immersed in that emotion, it's difficult to see the bright side. No matter how I try. 

Lately, I have been feeling unaccomplished. Trapped. Stagnant. I have a strong urge to reclaim my career. I feel that as time goes by, everything I know in the medical field will slowly fade away bringing me back to square one. I wouldn't want that.

Ten years ago today, I passed the Physicians Licensure Exam (PLE). It was the peak of joy and a feeling of success for my then 26-year old self. Today, as I reflect on the past ten years, a glimmer of gratitude came down on me. 

In the last decade, I served my hometown as a community doctor, I obtained my master's degree (MPM Major in Health Systems and Development), I finished Family Medicine residency and now a diplomate in that field, I married the best guy for me, I have housewife stints (on the second phase as of the moment), I have three beautiful daughters, I am healthy, my loved ones are healthy. Alhamdulillah.

That's more than enough to bring back the smile on my face. Allah swt is the Most Merciful. He is good, all the time. 

Ear Buddies

Hello, friends! Thanks to everyone who dropped a comment on my  previous blogpost. It's heartwarming to know that some of my friends, even if there's only 3 or 5 people of you, are reading my written thoughts. I hope I impart a little through sharing my life experiences. For the past decade of being here and on social media, I have gained a lot of knowledge through the people whose pages/accounts provide beneficial information. While many people agree that social media brought destruction to the fabric of our society, I think it really depends on how we consume it and not allowing these platforms to consume us. 

In this post, I'm going to share with you the podcasts I've been listening to for quite a while now. I've been a huge podcast listener during my housewife days in Bangkok, in a way it helped me clear out the conversations in my head and cope with the emotional distress I didn't acknowledge I had. I devoured  Ted Talk, Muslim Sheikhs like Mufti Menk and Nou'man Ali Khan, and my morning barkada: The Morning Rush (with Chico, Gino and Delle). I follow these people on Instagram even after Gino and Delle left the show. That's how I learned about The Eve's Drop. 

The Eve's Drop is hosted by three former women DJs of RX 93.1 --- Delamar, Gelli and Fran, produced by another former DJ Jude Rocha. Jude also participates in their convo. They talk about current events and pop culture; and guest significant people. As a woman and a mom, it's very easy to relate to them, especially during the start of this pandemic, I listen to them more often. 

In contrast to what The Eves are talking about, obviously these two ulamas deliver Islamic talks and most importantly, how to live in this highly corrupted society. I love how they remind us to always have hope in the mercy of Allah swt, and that His mercy supersedes His wrath. They don't bash other religions or those who do not strictly follow Islam, rather gives hope that these people may find spiritual enlightenment. They speak kindly but remind sternly that everything on earth is temporary. 

Mindful Muslimah is an American revert who lives in New York and serves as an older sister or in Filipino, "Ate", to her Muslim women followers. She's a niqabi and prefers to keep her identity private. She shares a lot about marriage, parenting, homeschooling, relationships, all within the context of Islam. Alhamdulillah. She's pretty much the life coach I've been looking for. She speaks about living as a Muslim woman/mom in this modern world. She also started a Book Club and of course you don't need to guess who got herself in! Lol. 

 

I love Michelle Obama. Period. Haha! In Meranao phrase, she is: "pka-datu iyan si karoma niyan" (in direct translation, she who can make her husband a king) that every mother looks for in a daughter-in-law. She's the greater force behind her husband's political career. She took care of the family while keeping her own career as a lawyer and still able to push her personal advocacies --- while her husband is in politics. She did that with a very minimal support system: her mother and few friends. Her podcast featured people close to her like her own family members, and selected friends who are a huge part of their administration. 

I hope you enjoy these podcasts as much as I do! You don't need a "spare" time in listening to them because you can do it while on to other things like driving, cooking or doing the laundry. It keeps you from possible negative thoughts and fills it in with inspirational messages from these empowered people. They are all on Spotify, btw.

Happy listening!

Blogging

I was watching the movie Julie & Julia over the weekend, a movie based on the true stories of Julia Child and Julie Powell. It's serendipitous how I can relate to both characters--- Julia Child who learned the art of French cooking as a way of finding productivity while her husband, a diplomat, was posted in Paris. I was instantly brought to our pre-baby Bangkok days when I was actively blogging, reading books, discovering new recipes and exploring new hobbies while waiting for my husband to come home from work. Julie Powell, on the other hand, is a frustrated writer who is not happy with her job, and started a blog to challenge herself into writing about and trying Julia Child's recipes. 

                                                 

I am perfectly happy being a doctor because I find self-fulfillment in what I do but I am also caught up in between my husband's nature of work and my aspirations. In all fairness to him, he never put a limit to what I want to do, hence, the present LDR set-up so I can finish residency training. 

Back to the movie, Julie Powell started her blog in 2002, the height of blogging days. It made me realize how I am so left out in this present generation. Blogging is no longer the hype, Vlogging is. People no longer cares about the written stuff as the newer generation is more inclined to everything visual. 

Just like Julie Powell, I wonder if anybody reads this blog? Please write down your comment so I'll know. Perhaps, I will be inspired to start my writing project that I had been putting off for so long. :) 

P.S.

Oh, thank you for reading this. 

Re-structuring

This pandemic has disrupted our daily routine -- both in a good and bad way. For us in the residency training, it somehow slowed things down. It lifted the daily pressure of complying with residency activities and focusing only on seeing patients which is a major breather for a short while until the hypo-productivity is dragging us all down. 

I live in routines, and a slight detour of my daily activities would be difficult for me to regain the momentum. Before the pandemic, I had so little time to sleep having to wake up very early in the morning so as not to be caught in traffic and doing my home readings late at night. I was used to that albeit complaining of this unlivable metro condition. This lockdown gave me so much time that I spent most of it having extra time sleeping because I no longer worry for the traffic. 

I feel like I've wasted my two months, except for the priceless time I spent with my daughter, Amal. Other than chief-resident's stuff, I've indulged way too much Netflix, which seems to be a bad habit now (oh, please watch Ertugrul, Hospital Playlist and Reply 1988 if you haven't yet. CLOY? I'm done with that too).

Ramadhan has passed, Alhamdulillah, I feel very spiritually productive though. I only missed very few tarawih nights and finished 8/10 tahajjud prayers. It's better compared to my performance in the previous years. May Allah accept our good deeds. 

As GCQ comes to a close, I need to re-structure my daily life. There is so much that needed to be done and I am not moving any finger to finish my tasks. Subhanallah. My research is still hanging and I need to be done with it so I can finish residency and fly to Jeddah as soon as possible. There is no getting used to this LDR thing. I don't want to miss my kids' growing up years. 

I reckon this covid virus will still linger but we are slowly transitioning back to our normal lives. Although it will never be the same again. If you really think about it, this pandemic is a major game changer and you know that somehow, it brings blessings. It changed the way how we lived and yet, it made us realize what is really important in this world.

What are your realizations? 

Living In Times of COVID

It was late 2019 when the novel coronavirus broke out in Wuhan, China. The viral infection manifests with flu-like symptoms of cough, fever, colds and sore throat. These are common symptoms usually ignored and resolve spontaneously. It has a minimal fatality rate but according to statistics, elderly patients and those with co-morbidities such as hypertension and diabetes present with severe manifestations.  There's no enough study yet to prove that drugs (hydroxychloroquine + azithromycin, oseltamivir) can bring cure, but more researches are being developed. Nobody thought that like the Chinese, the virus that is unknown to the medical experts would spread all over the globe, and no cure has been identified yet. 

It has been a month since Metro Manila and some parts of the country (as well as most countries all over the world) is in lockdown. Only frontliners --- healthcare workers, policemen, supermarket staff --- are allowed to go out. This posed a huge problem especially to the daily wage earners which constitutes a major bulk of the metro dwellers. Most people have lost income, largely those in the business sector, posing a domino effect on the nation's economy.

Almost empty Taft Avenue crossing Finance Road.

The virus held a tight grip to the entire world, it crippled the world economy and rendered people immobile in the safety of their homes, if they're lucky to have one. This has never occurred to the greedy beasts in the business industry, they thought nobody can stop them from gaining profits. This crisis has shown us small to large scale leadership. It has shown us who are the true leaders in the workplace, community and the nation as a whole.

Empty Rizal Park

5th week of lockdown

How's life for healthworkers like us?

Family Medicine female residents wearing a donated PPE from Quorom, a female lawyers' sorority group. 

PUI tent

My co-resident, Jhem.

Checked on Jhem at the triage.

We continue to work in spite of the risk and the anxiety of being infected. The chronic loopholes of the nation's public health is out in the open for scrutiny. I think it's too late to criticize, what we can do is to cooperate with the nation's leaders. I hope this government sees the importance of public health and gives value to it.

I know it will never be the same after this pandemic, people have lost their loved ones while some lost their jobs, I can only be grateful that I am one of those who only want this to be over so I can return to the normal daily grind of my residency training.

Right now, I enjoy the sweet calmness reigning all over the metro. I never thought I would hear the noisy streets in complete silence while I drive to almost-empty roads in Manila. It's a sad sight though seeing the homeless street dwellers, the only ones left on the streets begging food for daily survival.

 

I want our lives to return to normal again. I want to bring my baby out so we can enjoy the outdoors again --- the malls and her daycare. If there's one thing I realize, is how I lack time for my baby Amal. She's more than a year old but I haven't really seen her grow. I spend more time at work, coming home to a sleeping baby most of the time. InshaaAllah, after all these, I will spend more time with her especially during weekends, the way I was with her two older sisters.

In these trying times, we can only cling to our faith. Allah (subhaana wa ta'ala) has sent us an unseen enemy. He has shown us a sign of His might --- that He alone can stop the world, that He can topple the most powerful nation, the most powerful human being can fall into His mercy.

The Ronsing Household

I have been blogging for more than a decade talking about myself, what I do, where I am and my little family. I realized that I have not shared here the kind of upbringing my siblings and I received. I rarely talk about my parents here, not even on social media, when a huge chunk of who we are is because of them. So in this entry, I will introduce my parents, Mokiin and Asnawil, to you.

c. 2017

MOKIIN

She's Mama to us, Nannie to her siblings and cousins, and Moki in her workplace. She's a baby boomer who grew up at the beginning of Marawi's progress. She is one of the many products of the post-world war II parents' dream to finish an education. During my grandparents' generation, very few of them were given Western education. Only the rich can afford to bring their children outside Lanao del Sur for schooling. My mom was a little girl when Mindanao State University was established in our hometown. Since then, the educational landscape of the Meranaws had changed tremendously. She worked as a librarian for more than 40 years, her work hugely contributed to my love for books and reading. 

My mom is famous in the family for her temper. She can't seem to communicate without yelling. She yells a lot that when she suffered from goiter in her late 40s (she underwent total thyroidectomy), my grandma attributed it to her yelling.

My mom's ultimate talent is cooking Meranao dishes and socializing, she seems to know the genealogy of everyone living around the Lake! I'm not saying this because I'm her child, but really, I have not tasted any Meranao dish yet that is as good as my mom's.

I think I am my mom's exact opposite in a lot of aspects but my husband says otherwise. 

ASNAWIL

Papa to us, Nawil to his friends and colleagues, and S'ma to his immediate family. Papa grew up in the mountains of Nunungan, Lanao del Norte, where according to him, the best place in the world. His family was struck by series of unfortunate events which molded my father and his siblings to be tough guys. I don't know anybody who matches my father's emotional strength and resilience. Whatever "hardships" my siblings and I went through pales in comparison to what my father and his entire family went through. They were victims of the Martial Law regime. My father fought against the government in search of freedom and peace, yes he was once a rebel. Yes he knows a lot about warfare, the real deal. An entire book will not be enough to tell his story. It must be in series, like : The One in Nunungan, The One Where We Won Against The Government Forces, The One Where The Government Forces Plowed Our Cornfields, The One Where I Cracked The Head of my Schoolmate in Boriasan, The One Where I Found Education. The major plot twist in my father's life was when he realized that fighting against the government will never bring peace and, ultimately, freedom to his people. It is in education where freedom and peace lies. So he went to the university, Mindanao State University, finished college and a degree in Law. That's where he met my mom and they lived happily after.

My father is a bookworm, quite the opposite of my Mom who is, by the way, a librarian. My librarian mom brings him books that he devours. He is one of the most wise people I know. He seems to understand everything and he always says the right thing at the right time. He thinks a lot and he taught us how to think. As a little girl, he taught us a lot about consequential things even those beyond the bounds of our understanding.

He encouraged us to pray together in a congregation especially during Maghrib. In between Maghrib and 'Isha, he gathered us to talk about his life and his understanding of how the world works. It's so boring sometimes because he tells us the same story a thousand time already, some of my siblings get sleepy every time he opens up the topic. Haha! Then he gets mad if we don't listen to him. I haven't had any appreciation of his story until I was old enough, and then I pester him to tell his story over and over again.

Given my parents' background, we were raised in a strict, traditional Meranaw home. Both of my parents are practicing Muslims. Islam was introduced to us as early as infancy. Growing up, we were expected to be at home as soon as school is done and we all have our fair share of household chores. We were never rich so our parents taught us how to make ends meet. We were never given more than what we need.

Looking back, our entire childhood was to prepare us for adulthood. That's why when I went to med school and lived by myself, my parents never worried because they knew that I can feed myself and I can clean my rented apartment. Much more when I got married and have children of my own, my parents only checked on their grandkids. They perfectly know that we can handle our own business.

My childhood is waaaaay far from my children's childhood, we belong to a completely different generation. I want to raise them the way I was raised but I don't know if my parents' strategy will work on them though. One thing for sure, they'll only get from us what they NEED. They gotta work their ass off to get what they WANT. 

Dreams do come true

If you tell the 15-year old me that in her 30s, she'd be living her dreams, her mind would be blown.

Like, who would have thought?

Alhamdulillah for everything --- my faith in Allah, my family, my friends and for my job.

All is well, in shaa Allah.

2020, you were once a dream, now I am so ready for you. 🧡🥳

A

I heard you're tying the knot soon, an answered prayer for both you and I.
I've been praying for you to have everything I have now --- a blissful marriage and beautiful children. Naks *wink*
I think that is my way of relieving the guilt of heartache that I didn't know I cause you.

But wait, who caused heartache to whom?

Ten years ago, you broke my heart into tiny pieces. You had no idea.
Do you remember that New Year's Eve? We were together but I knew your heart and mind was wandering to someone else. And there I was, faking a smile and holding back my tears.

I was wondering, was it just few weeks before that we were talking endlessly at night and you would send me flirting clues? You thought I was naive? Do you remember the star? It's still up there, perhaps smirking at how fate turned out for us. I didn't like looking at the stars since then, which I used to love, when you broke my heart. All the magical vibes the stars in the sky gave me dissipated.
I wondered, was I just assuming that you were into me as well? Did we have some sort of a mutual understanding?

And on the night I thought I was ready for you, you told me you found the woman who made you happy. Unfortunately, it wasn't me.
Oh boy, did I bawl for days.
You talked incessantly about her----to me. How dare you.

I moved on with my life, focusing on my goal of becoming a full-fledged physician and making myself better in preparation for my The One, and I was also quite sure it wasn't you.

We would occasionally meet in the metro when you were just starting a career. We'd have coffee, dine out or go see a movie. Everything was platonic, or was I just pretending? A tiny voice in me says I like you, but I killed that voice. I wouldn't deny I wished you tell me that everything about you and her was over, but then you would still talk about her shit to me. Of all people, to ME. And all my romantic ideas about you and I died down.

So yes, I continued moving on with my life.
I prayed for the man who deserves all the love I was ready to give. Allah heard and granted my prayer.

I remember talking to you about the guy --- my husband now. I was so kilig. You told me you're happy for me. I invited you to my wedding. I even asked you to play the piano and because we're friends I thought you'd agree to it. But you turned me down. Fine, I said. Anyway it's not the first time you turned me down.

A year later, I was told how my marriage affected you. I was surprised. I mattered to you pala.
I swear I felt vindicated. I gloated! Yes, I laughed so hard at your "misery".
1:1
Quits na tayo.

It's been a decade since we first met and the heartache you caused me. I am at a perfect place in my life right now but I know I wouldn't be completely happy seeing you without you finding your The One. Yes, you mattered to me and you still do. :) We live in a very small world so I hope we find genuine friendship and may we leave everything that happened in the past behind. We gotta accept that some things are not just meant to be.

Congratulations to you and I wish you all the best.
I hope we can still have coffee just like the old days---this time though, with our respective spouses. :)

Semi-Zero-Social-Media Challenge

I challenged myself out-of-the-blue to disable my Instagram account and uninstall my Facebook account. I've always been like that, uninstall-reinstall. My Twitter accout is still there though, I think I need it. 

Why?

My in-service exam is fast approaching and my research proposal is still hanging. Social media is ruining my life and I am constantly conscious about it. Also, I want to go back to writing and expressing myself without limitations. Here in my blog, I am not afraid to be judged because nobody comes here to purposely read me. Nobody. Errr, perhaps one or two people. Thank YOU. But Instagram? People judge everything. That has always been my issue --- fear of being judged. Although I always say I don't care about what people think, honestly I am still a tad bit affected.

Oh well, let's see how long this lasts. Maybe 24 hours? A week? Or a month? 

Support me, yeah? 

Changes

Hello, my dear reader(s).
It has been a terrible year dealing with so many circumstances occurring all at the same time in my life.
I dealt with a lot of emotions.
I was consumed.
There were days when I wake up feeling not knowing what to do with the things that needed to be done.
I procrastinated a lot.
I can no longer justify my bad habits.
Hopefully I can talk and write about it.
My struggles.
Yes I will, when I stop using instagram and twitter.
Perhaps, I can go back to writing again.

Brothers. Support system since 2016. . #Ronsiblings

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Too early for #throwbackThursday. Photo taken during our Wildlife Ecocamp in college, many (many, many) years ago 😆 Would you believe this was within the MSU Campus? We camped out and listened to the different sounds of the different species of birds at night and then at the break of dawn, we headed to a certain part of the campus where there were bats! Nope, we didn't get inside a cave, the bats were just there in plain sight. With the developments occurring in the campus, I doubt if the same flora and fauna that I grew up with still exist. I hope our generation know how to preserve our planet because certainly, we would want to raise our kids in a cool planet where they can chase butterflies and dragonflies in a vast, green land. 🦋🌏 . #preservetheearth #stopclimatechange #biology

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Weekends are best spent with you, my love. 👩‍👧 . #AmalSaliha

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Appreciation post kay Madam @omeeyah. Super thank you, doc! You always save my day! 🤣 . #faceyourfears #resAidency2019 #jaigufriends #FMwondergirls

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'Yung pinsan mong dati inaalagaan mo tapos ngayon mas malaki pa sa'yo at licensed Pharmacist na. 😁 Congratulations, Nikki! You made me feel so old 🤣 . #jaigufamily

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Two rotations down. Good luck on your succeeding rotations! 👌🏻 . #resAidency2019 #clerksmonitor

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Clerks' Exit Exam. I can hear different sounds: sound of frustration, postnasal drip, etc. #resAidency2019 #clerksmonitor

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Will always tag you along. 👩‍👧 . #AmalSaliha

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Because adulting starts after the boards. 😁 Also, pwede na lumovelife!

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#AminaMariam #AmreenNurlailah #jaiguinjeddah2019

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