I got your back.

I share the burden. 

I share the tears.

I cry with you. 

But, I'll carry on. 

Let's carry on.

We'll get through this. 

I'll remain to keep that little spark of positivity alive. 

I can see the light.

Believe.

Have faith.

Just please, don't let me drown with you. 

Life has a distinct way of tossing at us incredible twists and turns that majorly disrupts our plans for the future. There are detours and setbacks which are, in retrospect, part of the Divine Plan arranged for us by The Great Force maneuvering our lives. We should always think of these segues as part of putting us on the right track. Other people would give an arm and a leg to catch what you were tossed with. 

This time, I shall put on hold worrying/thinking about the future. I shall enjoy all these beautiful surprises, which are not part of my plan, but definitely a plan of my Creator. For He is the Best of Planners, I could never be audacious to ever question His plans. And yes, life doesn't get as exciting as now.

I am but a grateful creature. 

El Nido, Palawan. December 2013

This is the problem with staying up all night, we inevitably get consumed by our senti mood. 

I miss my man. 

No amount of technology can replace physical presence. I wonder if hologram can? Lol.

Count this as one of those mundane, nonsense posts.

There are plenty of things going around I can write about---Islamic awareness, the World Hijab Day, my stand on the GPH-MILF agreement, the anticipated implementation of the Bangsamoro Government, the lack of rules and regulation in Marawi City (more like anarchy), the environmental hazards brought about by the tons of tarpaulins around Marawi and entire Lanao del Sur, the enthronement of the Royals of Lanao del Sur and it's lack of impact on me and on the society as a whole, the Vhong Navarro mauling and extortion incident, the Napoleses and their crimes, the wild rage on the social media, the adversities faced by the Doctors to the Barrios, my own apprehensions, but I don't wanna think about the world right now. It's too heavy for me to handle. 

I am on my way to learning how to be an adult, how to think and act maturely, how to hold off my emotions once in a while and how to control my tears when I'm enraged.

I am learning. And he taught me all that. :)

I haven't written anything that makes sense for a long while now. I tried to squeeze out that creative juice in me but it seemed empty. There are plenty of things around me to write about but there's nothing that hammers me to actually write it down. Words just linger playfully in my mind and got stuck.

Profundity has evaporated.

But I guess, it makes sense to be a doctor. :)

When the time comes, I want to have a kid as smart and as cute as you. Love you Sabreen! :)

This is the hallway that connects the two wings of the Outpatient Department building. I find it very dramatic as the rays of the sun penetrate the glass roof creating shadows behind those pillars. To put it in a movie, this is where a couple break their vows of love as the other walks away leaving the other soaked in tears. 

I saved P95 for buying Paulo Coelho's latest book and his 2012 Planner/Journal. Not bad. In a world where we need to tighten our belt to make both ends meet, a single centavo matters.

Bring it on, 2012! :)

Watching the sun rise as I rush off to the hospital. Hoping for a great weekend. :) 

I sat down and opened Ciara (this lappy) with a concrete theme on my mind to write. I started typing the first word, paused, heaved a deep sigh, and slowly pressed backspace. I made my brain work. I think again. Again and again.The subject flees my mind. I have nothing to write.

I tried typing a sentence followed by another sentence supporting the former. But I cannot make a conclusion. Ctrl+A, then delete. I have nothing to write.

I stared at the blank page, the cursor blinking at me. I contemplate. I muse. I ponder. Every single minute. 

What will I do next? What is the meaning of this or that? What will happen next? Will I be happy with it?

What is happiness? Is this happiness?

Love. It continues to elude me. What is it? How it is to be loved or to love?

I decided not to write about something I know not.

What I know is…hunger.

It's 1:33 AM on my clock and it's jologs time!! On my way back home from MOA to meet up with Doc Ikoy, this song was played in the taxi and it never left my mind. It's called "You Are The One" by Toni Gonzaga. I know this hit the airwaves after Toni and Sam made a movie under the same title, but you know how things lose their meaning when you hear them over and over again? I didn't know the lyrics of this until tonight when I googled it because I hated how the line "you are the one that i've been searching for my whole life through" repetitively rings in my mind. Here's the fruit of the significant research on this song: lyrics and music c/o youtube. 

Cheesy eh? From now on, this is gonna be my pirated counterpart to Ala's letter to her future husband. I declare this song as my future theme song to my future The One, Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate solitary moments like this coz it reminds me of my love life and the lack thereof. LOL. 

I have a new crush by the way, a Muslim surgery resident who I ran into at the cafeteria this morning. I hope he hadn't mistaken my face for a frying pan. Ugh, that postduty look---which, I don't really mind. Kebs. 

And oh, I got stuck at the elevator with another cute surgery resident for a little good than five minutes. I secretly wished for the elevator door to open a longer while. 

I can't wait for my surgery rotation which will be NEXT YEAR!!

Hahaha! I don't know. There's something about surgeons.

It's heartbreaking when the people you put so much trust into decided to leave you hanging the air. There is indeed no loss among those who chose their friends carefully. However, you can never tell what lies ahead. Never give 100% trust to people especially involving legal matters. And that, my dear friends, I learned the hard way. 

TRY PUTTING YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. Indulge in the pain and the impending name stain. 

Conclusion: Real and true friends do not exist in my world. There is no one to save me except Him, whom I have my full trust and faith. Ya Allah, I seek refuge. 

Status: postduty at OB Admitting Section (OBAS)

But, before going back to the hospital's daily grind (which I secretly admit to have been missed), I went out with my HS friends last week to hang out. It was a spontaneous trip to Greenbelt and Rockwell. I didn't know it was Rox' and Fatz' post-birthday celebration pala so I wasn't able to prepare anything for them. Unlike Jehan who knew it beforehand so she tricked us to stop over at F21so she can buy them something while I drooled again for fancy and pretty tops and dresses. Well girls, I'll make it up to you inshaAllah. :) 

If there's one thing I promised myself before internship was to live life normally despite the heaviness of hospital responsibility, the unfixed schedule, the sleep deprivation, and all the abnormalities associated with medical internship. Therefore, I go out as often as I could and always make myself available (unless I'm on duty) whenever friends text me to dine out or simply hang out and talk. In other words, yes, you may date me now. Kidding! 

We dined at Mr. Rockefeller and had dessert at Conti's. I went home with a light heart and a heavy stomach after indulging with too much food. The best thing, of course, was our celebrants paid the bill! Best things come in free! :)

 Afterwards, we decided to loiter around at Rockwell where there was an ongoing Love Japan Fundraising Bazaar. I love my cheap finds!! I wanna go and see, feel and taste Japan!!

Rox, Fatz, Jehan and I at Mr. Rockefeller. 

The birthday girls posing with their kisses-filled complementary birthday cake. :) 

Belated happy birthday girls!!! :)

*credits to Jehan for all the photos*

Friends were inviting me to watch Transformers 3 at iMax. I refused because I am not into violence-related movies, specifically robots.
Hence.
At a coffee shop alone.
Caffeine overdose.
Advance OB-GYN reading (weh!).

That's what future spinsters  single ladies do on Saturday nights.

We just got back home from my newly wed cousin M and his wife's kandori (thanksgiving) and thought to myself "What is more lovely than a couple who fought all the odds and found their way to each other?"

It is not unknown how parents arrange marriage for their children in the Meranao society out of purest and best intent. They choose among close relatives to create a tighter bond within the clan, mainly for alliance. For us, the most numerous in number is the most powerful clan. Parents meticulously hand pick The Chosen One for their child and consider various aspects, most importantly a bright future that is in store for their child and The Chosen One. However, most often than not, they consider too much about the in-law's family that they take for granted the compatibility of the two people they are going to wed. They overlook their children's rights and wants. By children, I mean these are actually grown-up men and women devoid of their inherent right to personally choose for themselves. Parents tend to satisfy their whims by neglecting their children's happiness. We are people too, y'know. Most importantly, we are grown-ups (at least we'd like to think so) and I believe we are capable of finding The One for ourselves.

After writing this, people might picture me as an ungrateful, selfish, rebellious and stubborn daughter. Call it defiance of the culture set by our forefathers but I want to set things straight in some aspects. Parents and children must at least meet halfway, right? Parents, no forcing please. Children, try to compromise.....peacefully and respectfully. 

Most importantly, I'd like to address this to all the men who have marriage playing in their minds. If you think you are ready to settle down, make sure you have fixed it with the one you want to settle down with. Be man enough to understand the complexity of what you are about to enter so do not allow anyone to dictate your heart. You are endowed with an intelligence to decide for yourself. There is no one on this earth who can tell you who to marry but your heart, so listen carefully to it. Pursue the one you truly love and choose carefully, but still,. in accordance to your parents' standards so you will not end up as a cast out in your clan. It must be a mutual decision between the two of you. Hence, if you sense that the woman doesn't feel like spending the rest of her life with you, then please, don't push your luck, stay away for she's definitely not The One. 

Why am I writing this? Because I admire my cousin M and his wife A for fighting for their love despite the distance and the somewhat seemingly endless adversities. I admire M for following his heart and for playing deaf when dictators came to him. I admire A for waiting patiently. They do not only brought two clans together but they showed us what real love can do. For that, I pray for a blissful and blessed marriage for them. 

After all their visitors left. M wearing flesh polo shirt and A is the one in blue veil. :)

I am surprised at how much relief I felt after giving up on something I have been planning for almost a year now. I was very excited about it because it is actually a part of materializing a big dream. However, I am so in conflict with TIME that after I weighed things out and underwent terrible confusions, I decided to cancel it in order  to spend quality time with my family before I finally leave for internship. Family comes first before anything else, that's what my father taught me. :) 

Hopefully I can elaborate on this on my following entry. I sneaked at my brother's room only to blog about this. Gotta go now before he finds out.