Decade Old MD

 I've been quite down these past few days, that occasional wave of sadness that comes and goes. Sometimes it clings for quite a bit. When you're immersed in that emotion, it's difficult to see the bright side. No matter how I try. 

Lately, I have been feeling unaccomplished. Trapped. Stagnant. I have a strong urge to reclaim my career. I feel that as time goes by, everything I know in the medical field will slowly fade away bringing me back to square one. I wouldn't want that.

Ten years ago today, I passed the Physicians Licensure Exam (PLE). It was the peak of joy and a feeling of success for my then 26-year old self. Today, as I reflect on the past ten years, a glimmer of gratitude came down on me. 

In the last decade, I served my hometown as a community doctor, I obtained my master's degree (MPM Major in Health Systems and Development), I finished Family Medicine residency and now a diplomate in that field, I married the best guy for me, I have housewife stints (on the second phase as of the moment), I have three beautiful daughters, I am healthy, my loved ones are healthy. Alhamdulillah.

That's more than enough to bring back the smile on my face. Allah swt is the Most Merciful. He is good, all the time. 

The Ronsing Household

I have been blogging for more than a decade talking about myself, what I do, where I am and my little family. I realized that I have not shared here the kind of upbringing my siblings and I received. I rarely talk about my parents here, not even on social media, when a huge chunk of who we are is because of them. So in this entry, I will introduce my parents, Mokiin and Asnawil, to you.

c. 2017

MOKIIN

She's Mama to us, Nannie to her siblings and cousins, and Moki in her workplace. She's a baby boomer who grew up at the beginning of Marawi's progress. She is one of the many products of the post-world war II parents' dream to finish an education. During my grandparents' generation, very few of them were given Western education. Only the rich can afford to bring their children outside Lanao del Sur for schooling. My mom was a little girl when Mindanao State University was established in our hometown. Since then, the educational landscape of the Meranaws had changed tremendously. She worked as a librarian for more than 40 years, her work hugely contributed to my love for books and reading. 

My mom is famous in the family for her temper. She can't seem to communicate without yelling. She yells a lot that when she suffered from goiter in her late 40s (she underwent total thyroidectomy), my grandma attributed it to her yelling.

My mom's ultimate talent is cooking Meranao dishes and socializing, she seems to know the genealogy of everyone living around the Lake! I'm not saying this because I'm her child, but really, I have not tasted any Meranao dish yet that is as good as my mom's.

I think I am my mom's exact opposite in a lot of aspects but my husband says otherwise. 

ASNAWIL

Papa to us, Nawil to his friends and colleagues, and S'ma to his immediate family. Papa grew up in the mountains of Nunungan, Lanao del Norte, where according to him, the best place in the world. His family was struck by series of unfortunate events which molded my father and his siblings to be tough guys. I don't know anybody who matches my father's emotional strength and resilience. Whatever "hardships" my siblings and I went through pales in comparison to what my father and his entire family went through. They were victims of the Martial Law regime. My father fought against the government in search of freedom and peace, yes he was once a rebel. Yes he knows a lot about warfare, the real deal. An entire book will not be enough to tell his story. It must be in series, like : The One in Nunungan, The One Where We Won Against The Government Forces, The One Where The Government Forces Plowed Our Cornfields, The One Where I Cracked The Head of my Schoolmate in Boriasan, The One Where I Found Education. The major plot twist in my father's life was when he realized that fighting against the government will never bring peace and, ultimately, freedom to his people. It is in education where freedom and peace lies. So he went to the university, Mindanao State University, finished college and a degree in Law. That's where he met my mom and they lived happily after.

My father is a bookworm, quite the opposite of my Mom who is, by the way, a librarian. My librarian mom brings him books that he devours. He is one of the most wise people I know. He seems to understand everything and he always says the right thing at the right time. He thinks a lot and he taught us how to think. As a little girl, he taught us a lot about consequential things even those beyond the bounds of our understanding.

He encouraged us to pray together in a congregation especially during Maghrib. In between Maghrib and 'Isha, he gathered us to talk about his life and his understanding of how the world works. It's so boring sometimes because he tells us the same story a thousand time already, some of my siblings get sleepy every time he opens up the topic. Haha! Then he gets mad if we don't listen to him. I haven't had any appreciation of his story until I was old enough, and then I pester him to tell his story over and over again.

Given my parents' background, we were raised in a strict, traditional Meranaw home. Both of my parents are practicing Muslims. Islam was introduced to us as early as infancy. Growing up, we were expected to be at home as soon as school is done and we all have our fair share of household chores. We were never rich so our parents taught us how to make ends meet. We were never given more than what we need.

Looking back, our entire childhood was to prepare us for adulthood. That's why when I went to med school and lived by myself, my parents never worried because they knew that I can feed myself and I can clean my rented apartment. Much more when I got married and have children of my own, my parents only checked on their grandkids. They perfectly know that we can handle our own business.

My childhood is waaaaay far from my children's childhood, we belong to a completely different generation. I want to raise them the way I was raised but I don't know if my parents' strategy will work on them though. One thing for sure, they'll only get from us what they NEED. They gotta work their ass off to get what they WANT. 

Dream Big

This quote immediately resonates with me as soon as I saw it. 

I was a small town girl from a lower middle-class family but I have lofty dreams. I have wanted to become a doctor as early as first grade, or even earlier I think, yet I do not know how. There's no doctor in my immediate family circle so I didn't have someone to pave the way for me or a role model except my Mom's OB-Gyn and our family pediatrician. I heard one time when I was small how costly it is to enter medical school so I wondered if my parents can even afford to send me to medschool with their meager salary as government employees. Moreover, I have five other siblings that my parents need to support. 

 In spite of our socio-economic status, my parents never discouraged me about my dreams. One time as my father and I were waiting for my mom in her office, I was scanning through an atlas sitting on my mom's table waiting to be catalogued (she's a librarian). My father, out of the blue, told me that if I study hard and get a good education then I will be able to go out and see the world. His words stuck with me and I lived by it.

 Life has way a mysterious way of putting things into its right place. Through God's grace and hardwork, my parents climbed the ladder of their professional success, hence they were able to put me through med school without selling lands and carabao. I'm just kidding, we don't have carabao. 

I am the first doctor from both sides of my family and as an advocate of dreaming big (lol at advocate), I always tell my siblings when they were younger and even my cousins to dream tall and big and work on it. It is important to work on your dreams, to act on it. You are what you think and that will eventually what you will be. 

My father was right after all. My education opened a lot of opportunities for me and yes, it brought me out to see the world. So for every country that my siblings and I go to, there is always a mandatory report to Papa about our experiences and insights. Hahaha!

 In shaa Allah, I will still continue to dream and work even harder, this time though it is no longer for myself but for my children. #Ronsiblings

The Little Ones Went On A Field Trip

The DFA-Daycare Center Kids went to the newly renovated National Museum of Natural History  last week and guess who's excited? 

FIRST BUS RIDE SHE CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

NOPE. Not the kids. It was MEEE even though I can't be with them! Hahaha! I've been meaning to visit the National Museum since two years ago, but I don't know, it's not on our must-visit list. Maybe because its very near that we don't put it on our priority list? Because that's life, we often take for granted the things that is already laid in front of us. Naks! Back to the kids, so when Teacher Faye informed us that the kids are going on a field trip to the museum, I got excited for them! :) 

HAPPY TO BE IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF VEHICLE. I'M PRETTY SURE SHE HAS NO IDEA WHERE SHE'S HEADING. LOL.

Buti pa mga anak ko, nakapunta na ng National Museum. Haha!

DFA-DCC KIDS

LOLONG. He was labeled as the biggest crocodile, I wonder why he's not in the CONGRESS. Ooooppsss... 

"INA, NAKITA KO ANG EAGLE!!"

Miss Carry-Me-Ama

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We'll visit more museums when you grow up, my loves. In shaa Allah.. 

"INA, MAY ELEPHANT DIN. LAKI!!"

Fatherhood. 

Grateful to this man for everything he is doing for me and the kids. He accompanied them to the museum even though he can opt not to since we have a helper to look after the kids. Alhamdulillah. 

Oh how I love collecting beautiful memories of my little ones, I know they will appreciate it when they grow up. In shaa Allah. Though I rarely post their faces on social media, I have private albums in my Facebook account that is dedicated to their growing up years which I love to reminisce about even though it was only 2-3 years ago. Haha! My daughters will never be this small again so I smooch them with kisses and hug them as often as I can before they start to need me less than they do these days. Aaaaww...  

Seasons of Life

We were heading to our respective workplaces yesterday morning when my husband Jabar informed  me that he didn't make it to the promotion list in his office. He was sort of expecting it already but was hopeful that his performance in his hardship post assignment in Nigeria will get him promoted. One major criteria for promotion in his line of work is a continuing education (equivalent to continuing medical education among doctors) which means having enrolled in a masters class or, at least, a language class provided by the Foreign Service Institute. I have been pestering him to enroll in a language class since last year but his excuse was that he didn't want to lessen his time with his kids. I understand but his career has to progress. 

During the early days of my residency training, our helper decided that she didn't want to work for us anymore so Jabar and I were left with no one but ourselves. I didn't want to quit residency so I had to work extra hard balancing motherhood and my training. To say that the daycare center in Jabar's office is a major help is an understatement. The daycare saved my career. For 3 months that we've been helper-less, our daily routine consisted of bathing the kids at night so we only scoop them out of bed as early as 6am to hit the road while the kids are still sleeping. I go with them to his office, drop the kids at the daycare to change them into their new clothes and feed them breakfast. Then at 7am, off I go to my workplace which is only around 10-minutes away from my husband's office. That was the time that I was able to decipher Allah's plans for me when I got rejected in my application for Internal Medicine residency. Had I pursued IM, I know it won't take long before I quit considering that situation. Gladly, the workload in Family Medicine is not that heavy so I can go still go home as soon as the clock ticks 5pm. At home, Jabar and I divided the work. It's either I cook and he cleans the house and bathes the kids, or vice versa. During weekends, I do the laundry and ironing of clothes. I squeeze in whatever time left studying for my monthly exams and writing reports. It was a crazy 3 months!!!

Although FM residency is lighter than the other major fields, I am still a freshman who has to strictly comply with many department rules. I attend lectures during weekends or after office during weekdays. Jabar did adjusting the most, especially when I am on duty and he's left alone with two toddlers. He gives them a bath, feed them, put them to sleep and clean the house. He had to skip office whenever one of the kids get sick. During those time, he never told me to quit residency to focus on our family instead. Never. He continued to support me and we lived one day at a time.

Presently, we don't have a helper for the next two weeks as Ate Belle, our helper for almost 4 months, went home for a quick vacation. So the daily routine we had during our helper-less days is back. But it is not without a twist. It feels more difficult now that I am 26 weeks pregnant and the kids are heavier than several months ago! I can no longer carry either of the kids with my belly protruding and carrying another bag, even a light one. With  pregnancy discomfort sets in, it is more difficult to move around doing household chores, but I had no choice but to stand strong and do what I have to do without acting like a damsel in distress to an already-stressed husband. 

That, my friends, is the very reason why Jabar is not yet eager to enroll in any further studies in order to get promoted. He cannot do it while I am on residency training, not the season for it, he told me, smiling. Life has its different seasons. During the winter season of your life, do not wish for spring as it will eventually come. All we can do is appreciate the beauty of the season of life where we are presently in. Jabar is enjoying every single moment he is spending with our daughters, while he lets me proceed with my residency training. Our situation right now will not go on forever, he assured me. I will eventually finish residency and the kids will grow up and will need us less as they explore the world, then in shaa Allah that's the perfect time he can also proceed with his postgrad studies. Who knows, he might even have an opportunity to enroll in a prestigious uni abroad while he's at Post? 

Jabar and our eldest, Yamyam. 

One thing I admire most about my husband is his positive outlook in life and his resilience in whatever storm that come his way. I think I said this before but I never heard him complain while he faces each day with a strong demeanor. I pray for him everyday, may Allah give him all the best things in this world and in the hereafter because he is one of the genuinely good-hearted people I know. I love him so dearly, isn't it obvious? Haha!

No Yaya, Big Problem

It's been two months since our household help/nanny left after more than a year of staying with us, right when I just started residency training. Oh well. It's so difficult to find a replacement nowadays and it's not like we live next doors to our parents or non-working relatives where we could just leave the kids while we go to work. We, technically, have no one here in the metro to help us out. The existence of the Daycare Center in Jabar's office plays a major role in our lives today. Had there been no daycare, my mind would have blown up. There's no way I'd stop residency right now.

How do we manage?

Jabar and I divide the household chores and attending to the kids' needs. If one cooks then the other does the laundry, if one gives the kids a bathe then the other one cleans up. So far, so good. But there are days when we are both sooo tired and just want to sleep and we are both so irritable. However, we have no choice but to do the tasks. Partnership has never been this meaningful for Jabar and I. Glad to have a hands-on husband who needs not to be pestered to do his tasks. He knows exactly what to do without reminding him. He makes yaya-less easy for me. Oh, credits must be given to my two daughters who are very cooperative. We give them a bath at night so as early as 6 AM, we scoop them up from the bed while they are still asleep. If they wake up while we're in transit to Jabar's office, I change their clothes in the car. Otherwise, I do it in the daycare. As soon as I drop them at the daycare, I take the UV Express to the hospital. Alhamdulillah my workplace is relatively near his office. These are the days when I wish I knew how to drive so it'd be easy for me to travel back and forth the daycare.

I wake up everyday between 3-4 AM to sterilize the bottles, boil water, cook rice for our baon, and clean up the mess from the previous night. It feels like going to the battle every morning, battle against time and traffic. We need to leave early so as not to get caught in the metro traffic, otherwise we will get late in the workplace. Punctuality has always been my mark (ahem!), I avoid being tagged as a late-comer since I am only a first year resident. So I really make sure that we leave the house before 6:30 AM.

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It is vividly clear to me now why Allah has put me in this path -- Family Medicine in Ospital ng Maynila Medical Center. The schedule just fits me perfectly even without a household help. We only have maximum of four duties in a month and we are at the OPD for the rest of the days, which means we can leave the hospital as soon as the clock strikes 5 PM. Therefore, I can do the household chores --- laundry, clean up, and cook--- as soon as I get home. These are the things I cannot do had I pursued Internal Medicine, even with the help of a nanny.

Notice my tired eyes. 

I've been looking for a nanny almost everywhere to the point that I even ask some of my patients if they know someone who wants to work for us but always to no avail. Well. I can only pray to Allah to send us a nanny whom we can entrust our kids to and will stay with us for a long time.

I have always wondered how women in Western countries, where getting household help/nannies is not the norm, do it. They can still get a full time job, reach their dreams and fight for their advocacy while raising well-balanced children into productive adults. WOW. Western doctors who are also moms are my source of inspiration right now. Gotta meet one and ask for tips!

Words for 2017

This came quite late for my annual blog tradition where I describe my past year with two words. I was caught up with pre-residency and eventually residency that I had little time to sit down and write. So much for the introductory words. 2017 was my worst year. Ever. All the terrible things that could happen in probably 5 years were squeezed in a single year for me. What better way to describe it than LOSS and DEFEAT.

LOSS

What happened in Marawi is one for the books, it will be marked in our history for the rest of our lives. The story will be passed down from one generation to the next after us. We lost our most prized possession—our homeland, including the properties which were product of our parents’ and grandparents’ sweat and blood. Almost all our family’s properties along Lilod Madaya---those of my grandmother, my grandaunts and granduncles, my uncles and aunts, my cousins’—were lost to the war paved by young men claiming to purge Marawi from its sins. It’s been eight months since the siege and I still cannot get over it. I cannot even bring myself to watch documentaries showing the massive destruction in our land. 

In relation to the siege, I lost someone very close to my heart. Someone I consider a sister. She was blinded by a false ideology thinking that she can somehow save her family and her land by joining the war. I shall respect whatever reasons she had for what she did will never change how I saw her as one of the most kind, innocent and adorable person I have ever met. She will never hurt even a fly. Her soft voice and laughter will forever be remembered. 

In the midst of the siege, I lost one of the most important persons in my life---my grandmother. She was very healthy at mid-80s, but one fine afternoon, as she was about to pray for salaatul-‘asr, she fell while sitting on her bed and was declared DOA at the hospital. I went home to Lanao del Sur, but not in Marawi. My heart was breaking when I was there not being able to smell the fresh air of MSU or even take a glimpse of Marawi because of the ongoing Martial Law. It pains me to see and to know that my relatives, people I grew up with, were scattered all over Mindanao.

At around that time, there were many reports about missing men in Iligan and my brother-in-law was one of them. He was abducted for almost 6 weeks, we initially thought it was a kidnap-for-ransom case but we never heard from the abductors. My in-laws searched the entire Lanao but to no avail. We’ve exhausted all the possible means but everything turned out negative. We’ve only clung to our unrelenting faith in Allah that he’ll be back to us safe and sound. True enough, when we’ve almost lost hope, he unexpectedly appeared at the doorstep of their place in Iligan. I will not dwell on the details of his abduction but up to now he has no idea who his abductors were as he was blindfolded the whole time. What he knows is that they were Visayan-speaking men. Alhamdulillah for the second chance at life given to my brother-in-law. I pray those men won’t bother him again.

DEFEAT

2017 was the best time for my clinical career to get back on track. I applied for residency training at the most prestigious Department of Internal Medicine at the Philippine General Hospital. Out of 100+ exam takers, I was one of the 48 passers who qualified for pre-residency. I was ecstatic when I passed the exam. Knowing how rusty my brain has become after almost 3 years of not practicing, it came as a surprise that some medical concepts were still retained in my memory. From the 48 pre-residents, only 36 of us made it at the end of the pre-res. The rest didn’t continue while some quit in the middle. From 36, only 21 qualified for residency training. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t make it. It kinda broke my heart a bit because I prepared and worked hard for it but somehow I was thankful because in the middle of pre-res I kept asking myself if I really want to pursue it there. For the entire 2 weeks, I barely see my kids and I lost track of the household that I manage. I left everything under the care of Jabar and the household help.

I wasn’t ready to give up my dream of becoming an internist yet. I looked for an open pre-res in other hospitals. I tried Manila Doctors Hospital. They allowed me to go on pre-res for a week along with 9 others but only 4 remaining slots were open. I gave my best shot for that week. I was very competitive, always ready for an answer, even the chief resident was rooting for me. I was kinda sure I will get in. For the second time, I was defeated. Apparently, the chairman was doubting my commitment because of Jabar’s nomadic nature of work. He was afraid I might quit in the middle of residency. I cried buckets. I felt like I lost all the chance of getting into residency. I’m getting old and the medical concepts I know are becoming obsolete by the day. I need to refresh my brain.

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2017 taught me that with every loss and defeat, there’s always a chance to rise above the challenges. Loss and defeat are both a state of the mind. Meranaos have lost Marawi but our consciousness will forever be connected to our beloved Ranao. Our Meranao-ness will never be lost. We and our children will still speak our language, we will still wear our malong, we will still cook and eat pindialokan a manok , and palapa will still be our staple spice wherever in this world we will be. This government may have succeeded in bombing our homes and driving us away, but Meranaos will thrive and we will even become better people, in shaa Allah. With our hands, blood and sweat, we will rebuild Marawi.

(Pause. I’m crying profusely now)

I may not have continued Internal Medicine and I may have felt defeated after two attempts at IM residency but I found my niche now with Family Medicine (FM). Alhamdulillah. Family Medicine is a highly clinical branch but offers a lot more benign schedule. Residency training in FM allows me to indulge in deep clinical learning and at the same time take care of my children and of the household. It allows me to take care of my own health and well-being. Alhamdulillah. Allah’s mercy is indeed never-ending. I do not regret those time I went into IM pre-residency because I met wonderful people and maybe that’s Allah’s way of not making me regret my decisions. He made me experience what it is to become an IM resident but did not bring me there because He knows it will not do me good.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. All Praise Is For the Lord of the Universe whose love and mercy is boundless.

DFA-DCC UN Day Celebration

The United Nations Day was commemorated early in the DFA-Day Care Center. The actual UN Day falls on October 24 but the Day Care opted to celebrate it earlier to allow the children to rest for the Trick or Treat on the last week of the month. Our family chose to represent Malaysia for convenience. The kids have their mukna custom-made already and both Jabar and I have clothes that make us look Malaysians. Back when we were in Bangkok, we were always mistaken for being either Malays or Indonesians. The Thais were always surprised when I say I'm a Filipino. They're always like: "Philippine? Muslim?". "Yeah, yeah", I told them "we compose a miniscule number in the Catholic nation called the Philippines". 

L-R: Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Italy, South Korea, USA (Hawaii), Spain, Japan, Turkey, Malaysia and UK. 

Faux Malaysian family. LOL.

She's posing, guys. Her posing hands are hidden behind her mukna though. This funny little kid. :D  The little boy on the left, Ezel, is half-Turkish. The one on the right, Elijah, is well, Filipino. Hahaha! They're about to leave for China as his mom will be posted there.  

May you be the best of friends forever. Ameen. :) 

The Stage Mom.

The kids look sooooo adorably cute in their costumes! And the parents, except us, made an extraordinary effort for their children's costumes. Alright, in fairness to me, I was preparing for the pre-residency training so I didn't have time to even think about the UN Day. I mean, we didn't celebrate the UN Day back when I was in grade school! Haha! All I remember were the FRESH fruits and veggies that my Mom used to painstakingly tie on my clothes during Nutrition Month Parade! I remember the lanzones that falls from my clothes and a classmate behind me picks it up as we were parading around the campus. Haha! 

Celebration of the UN Day is a great introduction to the children about the culture of other nations and one major way of boosting their social skills. Kudos to the DFA-DCC for the successful event! 

Reflections of a Doctor Mom

My youngest, Amreen, had high-grade fever four days ago accompanied by few maculopapular rashes on her upper extremities and anorexia. She wasn't vomiting nor having a diarrhea but I noticed her stools were soft and mucoid. I only gave her paracetamol and a tepid sponge bath while closely monitoring her fever. On the 2nd day, I brought her to the nearest ER to get her labs done. Her CBC showed plain viral infection which can resolve on its own and be managed at home. She started to throw up her milk and her medications. I hate seeing her weak and irritable and refusing to eat. It tears my heart apart and I feel so anxious thinking it might be something else overlooked by her CBC. So at 2:00 AM yesterday, Jabar and I rushed her to the hospital (the hospital where I gave birth to her, where everyone was nice and calm. Love it here.) after an episode of vomiting and spiking fever. 

Being a doctor who knows every step in the ER, the labs and the rationale of the management, I was supposed to be calm. Yes I was, but part of me gets anxious and uneasy every time my daughter cries and I can't tame her. She was dehydrated with poor skin turgor and crying without tears. I can't stand seeing her this way. Her initial CBC in the ER is still a viral picture, so the resident asked me if I will still admit the patient. I opted to admit her for rehydration and to lessen my anxiety and worry. 

                                                   

Here are my reflections while we were at the ER yesterday morning:

1.) There's a valid reason for a mom who brought her child to the ER at 2 in the morning. She's not nag-iinarte lang. Every inquiry of an anxious mom must be addressed properly. Do not judge.

2.) Every single staff in a hospital contributes to the entire hospital experience of a patient, from the security guard who opens the ER door to the nurse manning the triage area and the housekeeping staff. Being courteous and nice is valuable beyond estimation. Kindness must be the universal trait.

                                                   

3.) Stellar clerks who have lots of repeating questions are annoying. Hahaha! Especially when you were asked the same question by the nurses and residents already. I appreciate the detailed history taking though. Good job, kid! 

4.) Pedia residents and clerks should not be doing rounds to non-toxic patients especially during midnight when the baby is fast asleep. Hirap na hirap ako magpatulog nyan tapos gigisingin nyo lang! Hahaha! Really. I'm sure they'd opt to sleep either. Been there done that, 1:00 am rounds to pedia patients during clerkship. Inis na inis pala ang mga nanay sa amin! Why do we do that again?? Lol!


                                                   

Alhamdulillah Amreen's fever abated now and her appetite is returning. But her body is covered with rashes, she looks so pitiful. Breaks my heart. The attending just had her rounds and her final diagnosis is Roseola infantum and we're bound for discharge today. Yay!

P.S.

I passed the residency qualifying exam of the hospital where I applied and my 2-week pre-res will start tomorrow and here I am in the hospital trying to "study". I'll be starting with a 24-hour duty in the ER so wish me all the best of lucks in the world!!!! Hahahha! Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem. 

Yam's Thanksgiving Merienda

My firstborn, Yamyam, turned two years old last week. Good thing it was a holiday on her actual birthday (August 21) because there was a typhoon and my little girl was having a high-grade fever. My husband was also slumped in bed with fever and chills. It was a horrible day for me. Thank God for our little Amreen who's being a ray of sunshine for her stressed mom. Lol! 

Jabar and I are resolved to not celebrating birthdays with a huge party. We were not raised that way but the society we live in, especially among us Meranaos, adapted to the Western influence of putting up birthday parties. Last year, when Yamyam turned a year old, we brought her to Ocean Park Manila and had a sumptuous dinner with my siblings. A simple gesture of gratitude to The Maker who gave us the gift of a beautiful child. 

Amina Mariam.

As our family is embattled by the ongoing Marawi siege, and after both kids and husband had bouts of viral infection, I feel I am more compelled to give a thanksgiving merienda to be grateful for everything we are blessed with in spite of the crisis we are going through. It was nothing grand. The husband and I grabbed layers of pizza and a bucket of chicken and a dedication cake to share with our DFA-DCC family whose presence in our lives is a major blessing itself.

As the "party" was about to start, the husband was called for a meeting. Hence his absence in this photo. 

Jabar and I grew up in big families where playing outdoors with our cousins and neighbors was a major part of growing up. We were never brought to playhouses (we don't have that in the 90's, I guess) or in curated parks (there was none in Marawi, haha). We used to head out of our house and climb trees and play kanggagalawanga, patintero, batir-lata and everything that involves running and shouting. Haha! Jabar and I had beautiful childhood memories in Taraka and Marawi, respectively. This time, we live in the part of the metro that is quite inaccessible to an open space where our children can play and just be kids. Hello, Manila don't have parks save for Luneta and the La Mesa Ecopark in Farview! We don't live close to our families either whose children they can play with. We're quite isolated and I don't allow my children to play gadgets or watch TV all day long. Considering how play being a major part of a child's growth and development, I feel sad for them having no one to play with. That's where the DFA-Day Care Center saved us. I am so grateful that my husband's office have this facility for their kids! 

Twinning dress c/o their Babu Nasheba. 

Jabar used to bring Yamyam in the DCC once a week. Now that Amreen is quite big enough to play with the other kids, we're bringing her too! Yes, I go with them three times a week which means going to the office is now a family affair! Haha! Alhamdulillah. We are eternally grateful to the teachers and to the teacher aides for being very accommodating and welcoming. Even my children's yaya looks forward to going to DFA every other day since she has also formed a friendship with the other yayas.  

Teacher Coleen and the kids.

The birthday girl was bugnutin on that day. Her unusual self.

Teacher Faye and the kids about to sing a birthday song to Yamyam.

It was a very simple merienda to give thanks and as a reminder that we should always count our blessings and to choose to look at the brighter side of every situation. In spite of everything, I am so blessed to have my daughters and my husband beside me. We are grateful for our good health and for the beautiful people surrounding us. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. 

Happy 2nd birthday, my love! 

N

We received the saddest news yesterday. The news we've been dreading since the siege commenced. As the war stretches on, all our hopes are thinning out.
We lost her to false ideology.
My heart is crumbling to pieces.
How?
Why?
Who am I to judge her intentions?
She's always been a very good person to me and to everyone around her. Well-loved by many. Her soft voice and laughters.
Her beautiful face.
Such gentle soul.
Her memory will live forever and will forever leave a scar in our hearts.
Nobody's coming home yet.
There's no point in coming home.
We have no home.
She won't be with us forever.
May Allah forgive her and grant her jannah.
May we meet again in jannah.
Ameen.

Thoughts On The Marawi Siege

Can you imagine the place where you were born and raised reduced to rubble and ashes?

Photo courtesy of Najib Zacaria (Facebook)

I can’t. Never in a million years. But, it happened.

Two months ago, our city was attacked by young men claiming to purge Marawi from the heavy burden of major sins it carries and ultimately let Islam, their definition of Islam, rule the city. Chaos ensued. The high and mighty Meranaos left their turf and found themselves in evacuation centers or in houses of relatives in the nearby cities of Iligan and Cagayan de Oro. The government forces started to bomb the city to get rid of the terrorists. Airstrikes and bombings continue to rain as of writing time. It is unfathomable.

Photos courtesy of Marawi City Pulse (Facebook Page)

A divine punishment?

I have long been anticipating an end to the madness of the unruly Meranaos. I was guessing of a major calamity to hit like the one I saw at Leyte (typhoon Yolanda) or at Davao Oriental (typhoon Pablo). Just like anything in life, Allah’s plans are unpredictable and way beyond our imaginations. Any Meranao who have observed other cities in comparison to ours will definitely agree on one thing: ours is regressing to anarchy. I do not want to highlight here all the bad stuff going on my beloved city before the siege happened but in a nutshell, major corruption and abuses from the grassroots to the top is undeniable.

What are they fighting for?

The perpetrators of the attack were young idealistic group of young Meranao men who were disappointed by the society, significantly by our leaders and the people who are following them blindly. Knowing that Islam is perfect and is the only solution, they wanted to truly raise Islamic law (shari’ah) in the “Islamic City” of Marawi. However forcibly and violently, out of the teachings of Allah (swt) in the Holy Qur’an and of the Prophet Mohammad (saw) in his hadith (traditions). As the siege continues, the story slowly unfolded. The attackers were not only composed of Meranaos (Maute Group) but they were joined by Tausug bandits (Abu Sayyaf) and even foreign-based terrorists under the flag of ISIS. Several conspiracy theories even rolled out, that President Duterte has his hands on this in order to declare Martial Law in the island of Mindanao as his only way to capture big time drug lords who are hiding in Marawi and in the mountains of Lanao del Sur.

I strongly disagree with the attackers' extremist ideology, that is not the Islam I was taught of. The Islam which taught me to be merciful and forgiving of other people even to those who do not share the same faith with me, the Islam which taught me patience and respect, the Islam which taught me to be gentle and loving. I do not understand which part of the Qur'an or which hadith they are fighting for. Who misled these people? Who planted hatred in their hearts? Why are they so full of it? Jihad? Is it not that the major jihad that every Muslim must fight is his own ego? His own evil? They're spreading evil and mischief and yet they do not know it. They're the hypocrites that Allah (swt) has mentioned in Surah al-Baqarah. 

"And when it is said to them, 'do not cause corruption on earth', they say, 'we are but reformers."

 "Unquestionably, it is they who are corrupters, but they perceive it not." (Holy Qur'an. Surah Al-Baqarah, 11-12)

The fall of the Meranaos.

Today is the 76^th day of the siege, 76^th day of our nightmare and it seems that the end is not about to happen soon. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that my own family are internally displaced people now. My aunts and my 80+ y/o grandma left our ancestral home in Lilod Madaya on the 4^th day of the attack, they put Ina on her wheelchair and hiked from Lilod crossing Mapandi bridge up to Old Capitol and down to Emi (almost 6-8km) where a car was waiting for them to bring them to Pantar. I cannot fathom what they had to go through, the emotional and physical pain. My sister-in-law and my nephew and niece had to walk almost 2 kilometers where my brother was waiting for them as cars cannot pass through their barangay. My mother-in-law left their house with only her handbag and the clothes she was wearing. My cousin even left the money she was keeping for her children’s enrollment thinking that they’d be coming back after 2-3 days. I’m in tears now. Pause.

Everyone has a depressing story to tell. My parents are left in our house in MSU, they refused to leave no matter how strong I urged them over the phone. The military secured the campus, they told me. They felt safe. But the earth-shaking sound of the airstrikes and bombs are very loud from our house, I can even hear it over the phone everytime I call Mama. MSU is the only stronghold left for the Meranaos. If they take it away from us, then they just dim the light that put Meranaos on the Philippine and even on the world map.

The Ruins of Marawi.

Photo courtesy of Marawi City Pulse (Facebook Page)

Every time my father and I go downtown Marawi, we notice all the bad stuff all around us. Garbage, narrow streets, tarpaulins, lawless elements aka motorcycle drivers and even unruly motorists. He once quipped that the only solution is to leave Marawi and create a new one. That’s why, I told him, a lot of Meranaos flee to live in the metro or abroad and vowing never to come back. Others return several decades later to attend a loved one’s funeral or to see their loving relatives. It is like a prophecy coming to life. Seeing all the destruction, it is eerie to return to the city and live in it again. If my father and I can have our way (which is one million times impossible), we want to leave the ruined part of the city as it is. The ruins will remind us and our children of what we were as a people and how we rose (speaking from the future) from the rubble and ashes of destruction.  I hope we can build a new Marawi elsewhere, where we can apply the better change we were clamoring for, where true and just governance can take place, where we can truly change anew. Lanao del Sur is a wide and a beautiful province, we can choose anywhere around the Lake. Just please, don't take MSU away from us. 

Life has a distinct way of tossing at us incredible twists and turns that majorly disrupts our plans for the future. There are detours and setbacks which are, in retrospect, part of the Divine Plan arranged for us by The Great Force maneuvering our lives. We should always think of these segues as part of putting us on the right track. Other people would give an arm and a leg to catch what you were tossed with. 

This time, I shall put on hold worrying/thinking about the future. I shall enjoy all these beautiful surprises, which are not part of my plan, but definitely a plan of my Creator. For He is the Best of Planners, I could never be audacious to ever question His plans. And yes, life doesn't get as exciting as now.

I am but a grateful creature. 

The Homecoming

Several months ago, I persuaded the husband that we go on a vacation to our homeland Marawi City for our Amina Mariam to be seen and cuddled by our family and friends back home. He was initially uncertain about it since he is to be recalled this year anyway adding to the bulk of work awaiting him at the office. I eventually convinced him. I was really excited and happy to see my siblings after more than a year and meet for the first time my nephew Zaim and my new nieces who were born on the same year as my Amina! It was a three-week vacation which was spent in the company of our family and some friends. 

Caveat: this is going to be a long entry and flooded with photos (raw and unedited). 

Mindanao State University, my love. 

To be honest, it is sad there hasn't been any positive changes in Marawi. Ours is a society that goes backward and I don't want to expound on that so as not to spoil the merry mood I want to inject on this entry. Haha! But the cool weather and the warmth of family, that is something that every expat Meranao would want to come home to and I couldn't be any grateful and happier. Alhamdulillah.  

The mandatory visit to the golf course and have the best view of Lake Lanao with the enchanting backdrop of the Sleeping Lady.  

One of the many reasons for our homecoming is the formality of Amina's Aqiqah Kandori. Technically, her aqiqah has been performed last Eid'l Adha when my parents slaughtered a goat (in Marawi) as a sacrifice on the occasion of her birth. But we want to perform some of the sunnahs like cutting of hair and feeding her with honey, so we had a small celebration at my aunt's place with our immediate families. It was a very simple and traditional family gathering and exchange of pleasantries. 

Amina and her great grandma (my Ina) Hajja Mariam, to whom she is named after. :) 

Amina carried by her Babu Amanee, with her great grand-aunt Nana and her second cousins Hamza (carried by my niece Oly) and Haya (carried by her mom, my cousin Lovely). 

Amina with her grandmas and my aunt, Auntie Mimi. 

Papa cuts Amina's hair. 

Mama feeds her with spoonful of honey. 

Du'aa for our Amina to grow as a mou'minah (a believer) and a true Muslimah. Ameen. Her Ama was perhaps groggy so please bear with him. Haha! Just kidding!

One of the beautiful highlights of our homecoming is meeting my one and only nephew, Zaim, for the first time! He was born prematurely and unexpectedly several days after I arrived in Bangkok that I've seen him grow only through Facetime and private messaging apps with my siblings. MashaaAllah! He's more than a year old now and soooo adorable! Of course, I was more than excited for my Amina to meet her Kaka Zaim! She is not yet interactive with him but Zaim can already pronounce her name clearly, funny thing though as my sister-in-law tells me, is that he is now calling all babies that he sees as Amina! Hahaha! Aaawww... They'll be reunited soon, in shaa Allah, and they will be old enough to be playing already.  

Our cuddly bear, Zaiiiimmmmmm.

The biggest triggering factor of our homecoming is to see our Api, (Hajja Amina) hubby's grandma (the one wearing white mukna on the photo below) who's been ailing for several months now. Having an OFW parents, Jabar and some of his siblings were left under the care of Api and Abobay (the one in blue/brown mukna, she is Api's sister). It wasn't easy for Jabar growing up without the physical presence of their parents but these two strong women stood for them and raised them into responsible adults that they are now. With all due respect and without undermining all the efforts of my mother-in-law, I should be thanking Api and Abobay for what Jabar has become as a person, a son, a husband and now, a father.

With Jabar's family, his mom, grandmas, siblings and nephews and niece. 

We also paid a special visit to Kakababay Hajja Racma, Jabar's paternal grandma, in Taraka, Lanao del Sur. The first twelve years of Jabar's life was spent here in Taraka where he holds beautiful memories so he doesn't miss visiting the municipality every single time he comes home.  

In spite of her dementia, Kakababay was so fond of Amina the moment she laid her eyes on her. MashaaAllah. 

                     

My siblings and I long planned for an exclusive family outing at Dahilayan, Bukidnon and an overnight staycation at CdO. Itineraries had been laid but a certain circumstance didn't permit us to go. Instead of sulking into negativity, we thought of visiting my sister-in-law's family residence that is beautifully situated beside the lake. They erected a gazebo where a picnic can be held and it is indeed magnificent to be watching the sun rise and set here! Mashaa Allah! 

Introducing my Amina to why we are called Meranaos, or "people of the lake". 

The mesmerizing Lake Lanao. 

My cousins Ate Lalay and Nasbia cheering up Amina after I realized I had left her formula milk! Hahaha! Sorry anak! The huge disadvantage of not breastfeeding. Ugh. 

My grandma was so delighted to have a breath of fresh air while being captured by the beauty of the lake. 

Super grateful to our generous hosts, my brother's in-laws, for the feast! It is indeed more fulfilling to have a glimpse of our very own Lake Lanao than anywhere else. 

My brother Jalal and I used to bicker all the time when we were little, until the day we realized that we are getting nothing out of it and we better be friends and be there for each other for the rest of our lives. After all, time will come when nobody refuses to give you a hand except for your very own immediate family. Look at us now, having families of our own. I pray that our children grow to treat one another not merely as cousins but as siblings and may they be close as ever. Amen. 

FOUR GENERATIONS. Ina Hajja Mariam, Mama, Me and Amina. I love this photo!!

Amina met her Bapa Matski for the first time! He's the third among the triplet siblings I have and is presently spending an OJT in Manila. We didn't see each other when we flew in since we had a connecting flight to CdO. 

Being in Manila would not be complete without visiting our Merville family. I was so happy to see my aunt, cousins and my nieces who have grown so much since the last time I saw them! They made my nose bleed with their English language skills! MashaaAllah.. And of course, I was more excited to meet another new niece, Aeesha Saffah! She is 6 weeks younger than Amina, and she's the youngest among my cousins and I's mass production! Haha! There are 5 new babies in our family this 2015! 

Amina meets Saffah! 

Ate Papay's adorable angels! 

Merville family. <3

One of the important things I learned in 2015 is treasuring friendships. Perhaps, I have identified those who are true and real to me, those who deals with me without prejudice and those who, in spite of the distance, still manages to keep in touch. I may not have seen them all again in the short span of time that we were home, but I know in my heart who they are. <3 

Johanifah!!! Jho and I were inseparable since time immemorial. We became friends since gradeschool although we went to the different schools. We met at Madrasah, our weekend Islamic school. We also live near each other so we often go and visit one another. We became tightly bonded in college after taking up the same course. I cannot remember a day being apart from her since then! We also went to the same med school, separated at internship but reunited again during the review. Jho must be one of the few people who knows me inside out. And I know her the same way. Yung mata pa lang alam mo na ang sinasabi. That's us!  

She's so freaking busy with her residency now that I must be thankful that she took time to visit us (and climb 21 flight of stairs since the elevator in the building is acting up!) on the last few hours that we are in Pinas. We haven't seen each other for two whole years! So there's a lot of catching up to do that one whole day would not be enough. 

The first batch of my visitors at home are my DTTB friends whose friendship I have treasured all the way back to med school. Marifah and Papay are my college classmates too but DTTB bonded us closely as ever! I was so thrilled to see my iniyae Nasheba and her little munchkin, the super cute cute, Dana Ateeqah! Nash was 3 months pregnant when I left for Bangkok and now, so much have changed since the last time we see each other. Mashaa Allah. :) I was so happy to see Papay with her baby bump and Marifah to be beautiful as ever! 

L-R: Marifah, Nash and Dana, Amina and I, Papay and her baby bump :D 

Amina meets Dana. 

Nash and I were super overjoyed when our daughters finally met!!! Nash is one of my strong support system while I was pregnant and even after I gave birth. She's one of my friends, (along with Sal and Gans) whom I frequently talk to whenever I am bothered with pregnancy symptoms and/or breastfeeding issues. Having gone through what I was going through, they were like cheerleaders who were assuring me and giving me a pat on my back. Sadly though, it was impossible for me to meet Sal and her baby Aniyyah who is only weeks older than Amina; and Gans who live in Davao and Parang, respectively.  

Bainary, her sister-in-law, and her sister Jannah also visited us at home. Aside from being blood-related, they're one of the closest family friend we have. Our Moms were best of friends that even after their Mom's passing (may Allah grant her jannah tul firdaus), our families are still close as ever. Bainary is one of the people I look up to in the medical field. We've been house mates for a year during our med school years and I have witnessed her discipline and passion in to what she does. She has guided me all throughout my med school years and PGI-ship at PGH. 

Amina is sitting on the lap of Bainary, the first Meranao Gyne-Oncologist. Mashaa Allah! I know that being proud is prohibited in Islam, so I must say, I cannot contain my happiness for you!!! 

My precious, Ate Diane, and I used to meet at ComCent over coffee, pizza and isaw every time I come home. Now, she went to visit us at home to see her inaanak. She's one of the very few people whom I had broken the news of my pregnancy and after expressing how happy she was for me, she volunteered to be the Ninang of my child. We don't have Ninongs/Ninangs in our culture but I am so glad to have her as my daughter's one and only ninang! Whatever happens to me in the future (God forbids! haha!), I know that my daughter is in good hands. Few hours of catching up is so short for us (nag-brownout pa!) so I really hope to stretch the time of our chika when I come home again, in shaa Allah.  

                                        

                                       

My Tubaran girls went to see me too! Fine, the baby! Haha! It was so fantastic to see them again and hear about the latest news in Tubaran! How brilliant it is to find friends in a workplace that is far from civilization, and I find a genuine friendship in these girls. We've been through a lot establishing our roots in the municipality. I feel glad that Lady and Moks, together with a new team, are continuing what we have started while Pre moved on to medical school. Alhamdulillah!

L-R: Lady, Moks, Pre and I

I've met and laughed with nearly all the people that matters to me except my lifelong friends, my BGM girls. :( Almost 80% of us are not Marawi-based and since I had a hard time going out, only Koj and her lovely daughter Aasiyah came to visit. Most of us have families of our own now so I perfectly understand why it is so difficult for us to gather. But I still dream of that day that we get together, even for a day, with our kids! Now that would be a major riot! For now, our private chat room suffices. :)       

                           

Lincoj my dear and her Aasiyah who mesmerized my Amina. :D 

Jabar's nieces also came to visit! We hosted them for a week when they toured Bangkok and Siem Reap nearly a year ago, so when they heard that we were home, they came to see us. They're also my aunts on our Usman lineage. 

Mama was happy to entertain them! L-R: Mama, Amina and I, Liling, Elab, Katty and Jabar. 

You see, I asked my friends who wished to see me and my baby (actually, more of my baby. Haha!) to visit us at home instead of meeting up somewhere like we used to. That's one the changes that needed some adjusting. 

And last but not the least, Ate Keema and Mabi came a day before we leave for Manila! They're one of the few people I've grown to get close to in our Ranao Council family. I really pray for Mabi to be blessed with an angel na rin so we get to bond together with our mabilogs! In shaa Allah.  

With Same Mabi and Ate Keema. 

You know you're special and people are true to you when they hurdle obstacles to see you wherever you are. That's what Yas did, whom I fondly call Ags (from her surname Aguam, and she calls me Rons). She phoned me as soon as we arrived in Manila to tell me that she'd go and see me no matter what. It's so heartwarming to be surrounded by people like her who is oozing with positivity and energized by her dreams. Her enthusiasm in life is contagious! 

I want claim it, with the future Chief Justice, Atty. Sittie Yasmin Aguam. In shaa Allah!

Our short vacay may have only been spent mostly at home but it is truly meaningful having family and friends who showered us with love and appreciation. My siblings and I are all busy chasing our dreams without paying attention to the fact that as time passes by, our parents are growing older needing our company the most. Spending our vacation in the company of our beloved family is priceless. I still dream of the day that my family will be living under one roof again and be goofing and playing silly games with my siblings again. That is far from possible especially now that two of us have our own family already and soon enough, my other siblings will be marrying off. But a reunion can always take place. Besides, I wouldn't change anything that is happening in our lives right now. Allah has put each and every one of us in the perfect place where we should be. Alhamdulillah, it is great to see that we are all moving forward, by that alone, I know we are making our parents very happy. :) 

 Here are more photos, as if photos above are not enough. Hahaha!!!