Dream Big

This quote immediately resonates with me as soon as I saw it. 

I was a small town girl from a lower middle-class family but I have lofty dreams. I have wanted to become a doctor as early as first grade, or even earlier I think, yet I do not know how. There's no doctor in my immediate family circle so I didn't have someone to pave the way for me or a role model except my Mom's OB-Gyn and our family pediatrician. I heard one time when I was small how costly it is to enter medical school so I wondered if my parents can even afford to send me to medschool with their meager salary as government employees. Moreover, I have five other siblings that my parents need to support. 

 In spite of our socio-economic status, my parents never discouraged me about my dreams. One time as my father and I were waiting for my mom in her office, I was scanning through an atlas sitting on my mom's table waiting to be catalogued (she's a librarian). My father, out of the blue, told me that if I study hard and get a good education then I will be able to go out and see the world. His words stuck with me and I lived by it.

 Life has way a mysterious way of putting things into its right place. Through God's grace and hardwork, my parents climbed the ladder of their professional success, hence they were able to put me through med school without selling lands and carabao. I'm just kidding, we don't have carabao. 

I am the first doctor from both sides of my family and as an advocate of dreaming big (lol at advocate), I always tell my siblings when they were younger and even my cousins to dream tall and big and work on it. It is important to work on your dreams, to act on it. You are what you think and that will eventually what you will be. 

My father was right after all. My education opened a lot of opportunities for me and yes, it brought me out to see the world. So for every country that my siblings and I go to, there is always a mandatory report to Papa about our experiences and insights. Hahaha!

 In shaa Allah, I will still continue to dream and work even harder, this time though it is no longer for myself but for my children. #Ronsiblings

Islamic Medical Association of the Philippines' (IMAN) 3rd National Conference

IMAN Philippines invites everyone to the upcoming 11th Founding Anniversary and 3rd National Conference at UP Manila on November 3, 2018. This year's theme includes timely Islamic Medicine topic updates with invited International Speakers.

Register Now! See you all in shaa Allah in this once in a lifetime get-together! 

For booth and student sponsorships, you may send us a message for inquiries.

Seasons of Life

We were heading to our respective workplaces yesterday morning when my husband Jabar informed  me that he didn't make it to the promotion list in his office. He was sort of expecting it already but was hopeful that his performance in his hardship post assignment in Nigeria will get him promoted. One major criteria for promotion in his line of work is a continuing education (equivalent to continuing medical education among doctors) which means having enrolled in a masters class or, at least, a language class provided by the Foreign Service Institute. I have been pestering him to enroll in a language class since last year but his excuse was that he didn't want to lessen his time with his kids. I understand but his career has to progress. 

During the early days of my residency training, our helper decided that she didn't want to work for us anymore so Jabar and I were left with no one but ourselves. I didn't want to quit residency so I had to work extra hard balancing motherhood and my training. To say that the daycare center in Jabar's office is a major help is an understatement. The daycare saved my career. For 3 months that we've been helper-less, our daily routine consisted of bathing the kids at night so we only scoop them out of bed as early as 6am to hit the road while the kids are still sleeping. I go with them to his office, drop the kids at the daycare to change them into their new clothes and feed them breakfast. Then at 7am, off I go to my workplace which is only around 10-minutes away from my husband's office. That was the time that I was able to decipher Allah's plans for me when I got rejected in my application for Internal Medicine residency. Had I pursued IM, I know it won't take long before I quit considering that situation. Gladly, the workload in Family Medicine is not that heavy so I can go still go home as soon as the clock ticks 5pm. At home, Jabar and I divided the work. It's either I cook and he cleans the house and bathes the kids, or vice versa. During weekends, I do the laundry and ironing of clothes. I squeeze in whatever time left studying for my monthly exams and writing reports. It was a crazy 3 months!!!

Although FM residency is lighter than the other major fields, I am still a freshman who has to strictly comply with many department rules. I attend lectures during weekends or after office during weekdays. Jabar did adjusting the most, especially when I am on duty and he's left alone with two toddlers. He gives them a bath, feed them, put them to sleep and clean the house. He had to skip office whenever one of the kids get sick. During those time, he never told me to quit residency to focus on our family instead. Never. He continued to support me and we lived one day at a time.

Presently, we don't have a helper for the next two weeks as Ate Belle, our helper for almost 4 months, went home for a quick vacation. So the daily routine we had during our helper-less days is back. But it is not without a twist. It feels more difficult now that I am 26 weeks pregnant and the kids are heavier than several months ago! I can no longer carry either of the kids with my belly protruding and carrying another bag, even a light one. With  pregnancy discomfort sets in, it is more difficult to move around doing household chores, but I had no choice but to stand strong and do what I have to do without acting like a damsel in distress to an already-stressed husband. 

That, my friends, is the very reason why Jabar is not yet eager to enroll in any further studies in order to get promoted. He cannot do it while I am on residency training, not the season for it, he told me, smiling. Life has its different seasons. During the winter season of your life, do not wish for spring as it will eventually come. All we can do is appreciate the beauty of the season of life where we are presently in. Jabar is enjoying every single moment he is spending with our daughters, while he lets me proceed with my residency training. Our situation right now will not go on forever, he assured me. I will eventually finish residency and the kids will grow up and will need us less as they explore the world, then in shaa Allah that's the perfect time he can also proceed with his postgrad studies. Who knows, he might even have an opportunity to enroll in a prestigious uni abroad while he's at Post? 

Jabar and our eldest, Yamyam. 

One thing I admire most about my husband is his positive outlook in life and his resilience in whatever storm that come his way. I think I said this before but I never heard him complain while he faces each day with a strong demeanor. I pray for him everyday, may Allah give him all the best things in this world and in the hereafter because he is one of the genuinely good-hearted people I know. I love him so dearly, isn't it obvious? Haha!

Leap Of Faith

I'm currently staring at my residency application form that I will be submitting in a few days together with my other academic credentials. I prepared myself for this --- emotionally (and intellectually? Nah. I don't think I've reviewed enough. I'm actually panicking!). I'm hyperventilating by the mere thought of residency. Now the most important question to ponder on: am I ready to sacrifice precious moments with my daughters for the advancement of my career, for honing the craft I've worked hard for all my life? 

                                          

The blank application form is staring right back at me as if nodding in affirmation. Not too long ago, I made a decision that changed my life. I --- a provincial girl who never left her comfort zone --- took a big leap of faith and chose to spend a year of internship at an institution where all brilliant minds in the Philippine medical field meet. Considering I wasn't on the topmost of my class, I wasn't sure if I will get accepted. A year later, I finished my medical internship with grace and pride and eventually passed the medical board exam. 

                                            

I'm at it again. It's different now though because as I will be holed up the next three years of my life in the hospital, I will not only be sacrificing my personal social life but I have two daughters and a husband who will bear the consequences of my frequent absence in their lives. 

I ask myself this, WILL IT BE WORTH IT? 

It is difficult now, but perhaps, my family will thank me in the future for treading this path, for making this crucial decision. 

Yes, in shaa Allah, it will be worth it. 

Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem. 

N

We received the saddest news yesterday. The news we've been dreading since the siege commenced. As the war stretches on, all our hopes are thinning out.
We lost her to false ideology.
My heart is crumbling to pieces.
How?
Why?
Who am I to judge her intentions?
She's always been a very good person to me and to everyone around her. Well-loved by many. Her soft voice and laughters.
Her beautiful face.
Such gentle soul.
Her memory will live forever and will forever leave a scar in our hearts.
Nobody's coming home yet.
There's no point in coming home.
We have no home.
She won't be with us forever.
May Allah forgive her and grant her jannah.
May we meet again in jannah.
Ameen.

Thoughts On The Marawi Siege

Can you imagine the place where you were born and raised reduced to rubble and ashes?

Photo courtesy of Najib Zacaria (Facebook)

I can’t. Never in a million years. But, it happened.

Two months ago, our city was attacked by young men claiming to purge Marawi from the heavy burden of major sins it carries and ultimately let Islam, their definition of Islam, rule the city. Chaos ensued. The high and mighty Meranaos left their turf and found themselves in evacuation centers or in houses of relatives in the nearby cities of Iligan and Cagayan de Oro. The government forces started to bomb the city to get rid of the terrorists. Airstrikes and bombings continue to rain as of writing time. It is unfathomable.

Photos courtesy of Marawi City Pulse (Facebook Page)

A divine punishment?

I have long been anticipating an end to the madness of the unruly Meranaos. I was guessing of a major calamity to hit like the one I saw at Leyte (typhoon Yolanda) or at Davao Oriental (typhoon Pablo). Just like anything in life, Allah’s plans are unpredictable and way beyond our imaginations. Any Meranao who have observed other cities in comparison to ours will definitely agree on one thing: ours is regressing to anarchy. I do not want to highlight here all the bad stuff going on my beloved city before the siege happened but in a nutshell, major corruption and abuses from the grassroots to the top is undeniable.

What are they fighting for?

The perpetrators of the attack were young idealistic group of young Meranao men who were disappointed by the society, significantly by our leaders and the people who are following them blindly. Knowing that Islam is perfect and is the only solution, they wanted to truly raise Islamic law (shari’ah) in the “Islamic City” of Marawi. However forcibly and violently, out of the teachings of Allah (swt) in the Holy Qur’an and of the Prophet Mohammad (saw) in his hadith (traditions). As the siege continues, the story slowly unfolded. The attackers were not only composed of Meranaos (Maute Group) but they were joined by Tausug bandits (Abu Sayyaf) and even foreign-based terrorists under the flag of ISIS. Several conspiracy theories even rolled out, that President Duterte has his hands on this in order to declare Martial Law in the island of Mindanao as his only way to capture big time drug lords who are hiding in Marawi and in the mountains of Lanao del Sur.

I strongly disagree with the attackers' extremist ideology, that is not the Islam I was taught of. The Islam which taught me to be merciful and forgiving of other people even to those who do not share the same faith with me, the Islam which taught me patience and respect, the Islam which taught me to be gentle and loving. I do not understand which part of the Qur'an or which hadith they are fighting for. Who misled these people? Who planted hatred in their hearts? Why are they so full of it? Jihad? Is it not that the major jihad that every Muslim must fight is his own ego? His own evil? They're spreading evil and mischief and yet they do not know it. They're the hypocrites that Allah (swt) has mentioned in Surah al-Baqarah. 

"And when it is said to them, 'do not cause corruption on earth', they say, 'we are but reformers."

 "Unquestionably, it is they who are corrupters, but they perceive it not." (Holy Qur'an. Surah Al-Baqarah, 11-12)

The fall of the Meranaos.

Today is the 76^th day of the siege, 76^th day of our nightmare and it seems that the end is not about to happen soon. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that my own family are internally displaced people now. My aunts and my 80+ y/o grandma left our ancestral home in Lilod Madaya on the 4^th day of the attack, they put Ina on her wheelchair and hiked from Lilod crossing Mapandi bridge up to Old Capitol and down to Emi (almost 6-8km) where a car was waiting for them to bring them to Pantar. I cannot fathom what they had to go through, the emotional and physical pain. My sister-in-law and my nephew and niece had to walk almost 2 kilometers where my brother was waiting for them as cars cannot pass through their barangay. My mother-in-law left their house with only her handbag and the clothes she was wearing. My cousin even left the money she was keeping for her children’s enrollment thinking that they’d be coming back after 2-3 days. I’m in tears now. Pause.

Everyone has a depressing story to tell. My parents are left in our house in MSU, they refused to leave no matter how strong I urged them over the phone. The military secured the campus, they told me. They felt safe. But the earth-shaking sound of the airstrikes and bombs are very loud from our house, I can even hear it over the phone everytime I call Mama. MSU is the only stronghold left for the Meranaos. If they take it away from us, then they just dim the light that put Meranaos on the Philippine and even on the world map.

The Ruins of Marawi.

Photo courtesy of Marawi City Pulse (Facebook Page)

Every time my father and I go downtown Marawi, we notice all the bad stuff all around us. Garbage, narrow streets, tarpaulins, lawless elements aka motorcycle drivers and even unruly motorists. He once quipped that the only solution is to leave Marawi and create a new one. That’s why, I told him, a lot of Meranaos flee to live in the metro or abroad and vowing never to come back. Others return several decades later to attend a loved one’s funeral or to see their loving relatives. It is like a prophecy coming to life. Seeing all the destruction, it is eerie to return to the city and live in it again. If my father and I can have our way (which is one million times impossible), we want to leave the ruined part of the city as it is. The ruins will remind us and our children of what we were as a people and how we rose (speaking from the future) from the rubble and ashes of destruction.  I hope we can build a new Marawi elsewhere, where we can apply the better change we were clamoring for, where true and just governance can take place, where we can truly change anew. Lanao del Sur is a wide and a beautiful province, we can choose anywhere around the Lake. Just please, don't take MSU away from us. 

Words for 2016*

RE-SETTLEMENT

Jabar's posting ended last May which entails our return to our home country. As soon as the year kicked off, we planned out how we will survive the unfavorable living conditions in Manila. If I can only get my way, I prefer the provincial life than in this big, bustling metro where all fearsome stressors are thriving --- pollution, traffic jams everywhere, high cost of living --- name it, Manila has it. In this partnership called marriage, compromise is key. This means that as a wife and mother, I need to plan my own life and career around what my husband can provide for us. 

Going back to the Philippines is leaving my comfortable, dream-like life in Bangkok and waking up to reality. It is also a reminder for me to pick up where I left off my career. There was a strong surge of eagerness to return to medical practice. I imagine myself again in the emergency room checking on patients, extracting history and performing physical exams, correlating symptoms and lab results, tracing the pathophysiology of diseases, and writing on charts. My soul screamed for it---my eagerness to master the craft. 

My motherhood-dominated DNA faced many conflicts as I try to return to work. I cannot stand, for the time being, 24-hours duty. Therefore, hospital duties are temporarily off the list. I looked for a less-demanding and benign job near our place. I ended up in a pre-employment clinic that is 20-30 minutes (traffic time included) away from us. I tried to learn the ropes all over again and after several months, I did get by. 

Re-settlement for me was never a walk in the park. Things do change and by the time we returned, a lot of changes took place. Right now, I am in the process of gathering medical learnings as much as I could in preparation for residency training, in shaa Allah. The medical field has many areas to master --- public health, clinical, research and even corporate. At this point in my life, it is very clear to me which area I will pursue. 

TAWAKKUL

In the Arabic language, "tawakkul" is the word for the Islamic concept of reliance on God or "trusting in God's plan". I have many plans for 2016 that didn't push through because Allah has other plans for me. Case in point, baby # 2! As of writing time, I just breastfed and burped my two-week old little angel whom we named Amreen Nurlailah. Yes, Amina Mariam is now an older sister. :) I found out I was pregnant of her last April, as soon as arrived from Phuket. My reaction was a mixture of joy ---for Amina will have a baby sibling --- and frustration for my residency plans will be postponed. It took me a while to digest the fact that I will have to go through pregnancy and childbirth all over again which are exciting at the same time exhausting. 

We are not created to live a perfect life, God puts us in unfavorable circumstances for us to push our strengths and use our weaknesses to our advantage. That is why "tawakkul" is my creed for this year and for the rest of my life. I wholeheartedly accept wherever God places me, so long as I did my part. I know that Allah loves me and He will not forsake me. I have proven many times over that His plans are better than mine and I'm in a better place now because I allowed His Will to take over my life. 

*blogging from my phone, so forgive the raw-ness of this entry. Happy 2017! 🍸✨

Life has a distinct way of tossing at us incredible twists and turns that majorly disrupts our plans for the future. There are detours and setbacks which are, in retrospect, part of the Divine Plan arranged for us by The Great Force maneuvering our lives. We should always think of these segues as part of putting us on the right track. Other people would give an arm and a leg to catch what you were tossed with. 

This time, I shall put on hold worrying/thinking about the future. I shall enjoy all these beautiful surprises, which are not part of my plan, but definitely a plan of my Creator. For He is the Best of Planners, I could never be audacious to ever question His plans. And yes, life doesn't get as exciting as now.

I am but a grateful creature. 

Little One On Its Way!!

Never been posted photos on social media. L-R: the pregnancy test result (forgive my fezz!!!), at 12 weeks AOG, and at 19 weeks AOG 

Alhamdulillah. All praise belongs to Allah, The One and Only Creator, The Giver and Provider of Life. After more than a year in marriage, mostly spent away from each other, and after a year of fervently praying for a little one, Allah has finally blessed us to have a child. The husband and I had been through several heartbreaks after failed attempts for me to get pregnant. Every time he leaves for Nigeria, we always prayed and hoped that fertilization occurs, only for my monthly period to arrive on the day of his flight. It occurred to us twice, and it doubles the pain of our physical separation. But we remained patient, believing that Allah will grant us what we are praying for in His perfect time. Indeed, God never fails to fulfill His promise. 

God did not make it any more difficult for us after I arrived here in Bangkok to finally join my husband for good, He did not let us wait any longer. Imagine our joy when only after a month, I got a positive pregnancy test! I did the test after five days of missed period, half hopeful and half anticipating for another failure. But I guess, you just know in your heart what God is going to bless you with. I can't contain my happiness and gratitude for this blessing! I didn't tell my husband immediately, I waited for him to come home from the office. I did some drama in there though by not telling him directly but by sending him the pregnancy test photo through viber while I went to the kitchen to fetch him a cup of coffee (haha! silly!). He didn't get what it meant for a few seconds, and when he finally figured it out, he immediately pulled me closer to him embracing me and slathering me with kisses while he was getting tear-eyed and expressing gratitude to the Creator. That look on his face was priceless! MashaaAllah.. When this little one grows up, I will always remind him/her of how much we prayed to have him/her and I will describe to him/her the look on his/her father's face the very moment we knew that he/she is coming to our life. :) 

I am already on my 20th week age of gestation (AOG) as of writing time, halfway through the journey. We are so full of excitement for the arrival of our little one that he is already included in our daily life, my husband and I are acting and talking as if he/she is already out in the world. Heehee. I am feeling so much more of God's mercy now that I am pregnant, He doesn't want me to go through difficult pregnancy stresses so He made me a housewife for the mean time. Haha! I am so full of gratitude to my husband who takes care of me so much and is so full of precaution to the extent that he doesn't want me to go out alone by myself especially during my first trimester. My husband is so full of consideration and generosity that I feel so pampered, loved and well-taken cared of. Hihi. I feel so kilig right now by just thinking about it. MashaaAllah. 

We have no clue to as to the baby's gender right now, next prenatal check-up perhaps, but we are already considering several names whether it is a boy or a girl. One thing for certain, the husband and I decided that our children will call us Ama and Ina, just like how the ancient Meranao people call their parents. Haha! Therefore, my Mama and Papa will be called by my children just the same. 

I would like to share a du'a (prayer) I read in the Holy Qur'an, it is a prayer of the Prophet Zakariya when he was asking for an offspring:

"(Transliterated Arabic) Rabbi habli milladunka dhuriyyatan 'tayyibatan innaka samii'u du'aa.

(Translation) O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure; for You are He that hears our prayers."

I never detached the above Qur'anic verse in my daily prayer the moment I decided that it's time for us to have children. The story of the Prophet Zakariya in his quest to have an offspring at an elderly age with a barren wife was an instrument for me to never lose hope in the mercy of Allah. I pray that my child will grow up rightly guided in the straight path, that he grow up to have a heart for righteousness, generosity and a heart filled with love for humanity. I also pray for my family and friends who also wish to be granted an offspring, that they may be granted soon. Again, never lose hope in the mercy of Allah. :) 

Words for 2014

Hello 2015!!!

This entry should have been written before 2014 ends but I procrastinated (yet again!!!!) on it that it has been sitting on my drafts for two weeks now. Haha! This is about reflecting on the year that went by. An entry on Rica's blog inspired me to do the same exercise. I contemplated on what transpired during the 365 days of the year 2014 and brought me to these two words: PATIENCE and GRATITUDE, which have been my daily mantra for almost everyday. 

PATIENCE 

People who are close to me knows how impatient I can get. Perhaps, it is something about physicians that we want things done ASAP at the exact right time, or else our patient's life is at stake. We cannot tolerate tardiness and any form of sluggishness. It manifests in the way we walk (we almost fly!), the way we speak (straight to the point, no flowery introductions), and in the way we deal with people. The biggest test of my patience this year was handling my RHU staff (haha! they might be reading this! I still love you girls!!), the nurses and the midwife who are almost always late when we go on duty to Tubaran. Tubaran is roughly around three (3) hours away from Marawi City without a regular transpo vehicle going there. A day before we go to the area (during Mondays), we already contact our suki vehicle owner to give us a ride. I instruct the staff that we meet as early as 6:00 AM (because I know they will arrive at around 7:00 AM anyway, Filipino time y'know) to gather the vaccines and everything we need for the week in Tubaran, and guess what? They usually arrive at around 8:00 AM or even later than that!!!!! And they make me wait almost always all the time!!! They make their BOSS wait!! (hahaha!) My friends, that happens almost EVERY WEEK of my entire tour of duty in Tubaran. What always irked me the most are those who would SMS me on the last minute that they will not come on duty due to selfish reasons they think are valid which renders them absent for the entire week. OMG. Staff problems. They really, really, really tested my patience. Nevertheless, I tried to be patient with them, I never shouted at anyone, I tried to make them understand the nature of our work and that we are not being punished by being assigned in a municipality forgotten by civilization but it is US who CHOSE to be DTTB and NDPs, and that we have no right to complain nor give our RHU clients lesser than our best.

Patience is a virtue that I have cultivated during my DTTB days~~patience with the staff, patience with the bumpy road, patience with some abusive drivers who think that they are gods because our life depends on them, patience with the kind of governance that we have, and patience with some impatient clients in the RHU who wants to be seen first without lining on the queue. My exercise on having a positive attitude helped me in a lot of ways to acquire patience in my daily life. Whenever I got stuck in a traffic in Marawi (traffic caused by irresponsible motor drivers and equally impatient vehicle drivers), I appease myself by thinking that it's ok, that there might be a few traffic knots somewhere but it will be over soon, that I need not complain about it. That eases my hot-headedness and impatience. Haha! Law of attraction, that is. 

GRATITUDE 

I mentioned in my previous posts about me practicing the gratitude attitude. It is the gist of the book The Secret that I told you about, and it is the biggest lesson that I carried on for the entire year of 2014. One of the exercise in the book is holding a pebble in your hand every night before going to bed, close your eyes and think about what you are grateful for for that day. Instead of holding a pebble, I did express my gratitude every salah, that's five times everyday. That also made me realize that as Muslims, we are encouraged to pray 5 times a day not only to ask God a favor but to count our blessings and express our gratitude to The One who provided us with everything in our lives. Alhamdulillah. When you have that gratitude attitude, it would be very easy to turn a negative occurrence into a positive one. That is by looking on the other side of the situation and thanking God that the worse did not happen. 

There were numerous instances during my DTTB days that I have escaped death. One afternoon when my staff and I were going home from Tubaran to Marawi, the FX we were riding was running at a moderate speed when we felt something underneath us went missing. The driver slowly went to a halt, we came out of the vehicle only to find one of our rear wheel was  missing!! Apparently, the axle (the Meranao driver said that the "aksol" went off so I am assuming that he meant the axle. Haha!) went off that's why our rear wheel flew almost 10 feet away!! Thank God it happened in Bacolod Kalawi where there were many houses and a vulcanizing shop nearby so it was easy for us to get some help. A former Vice Mayor in the municipality also passed by at us on his way to the nearby masjid (it was already 6:00PM maghrib time) and went out of his way to help us. He called the experts on car mechanics and after an hour, our wheel got back on its place and off we went. The people who helped us never asked for any monetary compensation whatsoever, a simple and genuine "Salamat ow"  was already enough. Alhamdulillah there were still people like them who are always ready to render a generous service without expecting anything in return. I have not lost hope in humanity after all. :)  I will always think of that experience with a full gratitude in my heart. We arrived in Marawi very late in the evening already, but come to think of it, we could have NOT arrived at all! Apparently, most fatal vehicular crashes are due to broken axles just like what happened to that vehicle we were riding. It could have happened in the darkest areas in Madamba or Madalum where seeking help would be an utmost difficulty. Subhanallah. Things could have been worse. There are plenty of things that I am grateful for, and when I think about those things, everything that I don't have disappears from my mind. That's the power of gratitude. 

Patience and gratitude are the two virtues that I will live through my entire life, in shaa Allah, because I have felt its impact on me and the people surrounding me noticed it too. I am less grumpy now. Occasional na lang. Haha!  

You, what are your words for 2014?

Quarter-Life Crisis

If you happened to read my previous post about The Secret, it has something to do with me undergoing "quarter-life crisis" pala. I just learned about it when I was reading an article and came across with the word. It summarized everything that I was feeling, I was going through a phase pala that I didn't recognize. What I knew was that I felt a lot of resentment about everything. It happened right after I was deployed in Maguindanao for my DTTB stint and eventually got married. Everything seemed to happen swiftly that I lost track to cope. I thought everything was perfect for me--- I had my license as a physician and earned respect from society, I have a fulfilling job, I married the kind of person I was praying for--- but I was feeling doomed. I dealt with a lot of emotional pains caused by too many factors and here, let me count the ways: 

1.) The hassles of being a Doctor to The Barrio
   
      Being pulled out from one province to another due to a rift with the local chief executive, going to the mountainous terrains, walking under the sun to reach barangays located in what seems to be the endmost part of the world, dealing with hard-headed and delinquent staff, seeing the miserable condition of the people in a municipality forgotten by civilization; and at the same time, witnessing the fabulous and glamorous lifestyle of the handful of people who are supposed to make life easy for those in the far-flung mountains. I was witnessing the irony in my own society. I was disillusioned. I cannot believe how money and power can rip off some people's conscience, rendering oppression to those in the lower strata and how the latter can all be purely innocent of the injustice lashed at them. For two years during my whole DTTB stint, I was in complete desolation. Yes, I have survived DTTB, I am in a good state now, but the people in the municipality I had left are still eating out from one powerful man's hand, struggling through their daily survival, waiting for a miracle to happen.

   For two years, I have witnessed how corruption from the lowermost level occurs and how the people from the grassroots suffer the consequence and worse, how they tolerate the powerful ones as if stealing the money rightfully owned by the mass is a normal thing to do. And the worst feeling is knowing that you are not, by any means, capable of doing something about it. I came to a point of wishing DTTB would end soon so I can get out of the loop to stop witnessing everything. 

2.) Long distance relationship

      Before my husband and I got married, he already talked me out of the DTTB stint and offered to pay back my scholarship so I can join him in his post in Nigeria. I vehemently refused because I was really looking forward to DTTB and I know I will regret it if I wouldn't join the program. I have already accepted our LDR set-up thinking that I have never been emotionally dependent to one person so it wouldn't be a problem. One month after we got married, he left for Africa and we were both back to our pre-marriage routine. Much to my huge surprise, I had a severe separation anxiety that I had occasional outbursts of crying!! Adjusting with the contrasts in our personality with a seven-hour time difference, it was one hell of a crazy LDR. Thanks to technology, but it wasn't enough to make up for the physical absence. Facetime or viber cannot detect the real mood or environment we were in so there were plenty of times when I would burst into outrage and he had no idea why, and then later on he would find himself profusely apologizing for something he did not understand. I was just PMS-ing lang pala. Hahaha! Thank God, he was/is very patient with me. Oh well, he now has a broad understanding of women and he had my mood swings to thank for. Haha!

3.) Pressure from attending to social obligations

      I was never a social butterfly as opposed to my own mother. Being labeled as "the physician daughter of *insert my mother's name here*" and immensely after I got married, I forced myself to pretend to be the social butterfly that I am expected to be and forced my brain to memorize family genealogy. It is quite difficult to be in the Meranao society, I tell you. You are forced to be who you are NOT because of  certain expectations coming from certain labels, and if you fail to live to that expectation then expect murmurs about you behind your back. Guess I will have to live with those murmurs and just shrug my shoulders as I live my life because honestly, I cannot live to pretend. 

4.) Pressure from the masteral classes

       The biggest perk (the ONLY perk actually) of being in the Doctors to the Barrios Program is being enrolled for free in a masteral classes in the prestigious Development Academy of the Philippines. The classes, which we call the Continuing Medical Education or CME, are conducted every six months for two whole weeks in the DAP Convention Center in Tagaytay City. CMEs are always being looked forward to as a breather and a refresher, it is what every DTTB loves. Upon returning to area, we were bombarded with assignments and action plan and projects (APPs) that needed beating a deadline. With the fluctuating internet connection in our place and with the impending works in the rural health unit, it was hard juggling my role as a student, head of unit and subordinate all at the same time. 

5.) The chaotic world

        Everywhere I looked at was chaotic--the core of the society I live in, my country, the whole world is in the verge of war. Natural catastrophes ground us to rubble because of man's own doings. My eyes opened up to the real world and how miserable it is. Negativity started to sunk into my being, it was eating me from within and my whole perspective about this world started to change. I was letting the happy girl in me slip into a hopeless being. Everything, including my own room, was in chaos.


It never occurred to me that the transition from my extended adolescence to adulthood would be a formidable one. I realized that I actually underwent a life-changing phase when I already emerged out of it. Haha! Yeah, it was quite late but I'm just glad that I managed to get through everything unscathed. I am grateful I'm surrounded by the positively-energized people who peppered me with relevant advice and it also helped that I read self-help books. I read all the three books of Rhonda Byrne: The Secret, The Power and The Magic, I read the entire Qur'an (the English translation) for the first time and tried to understand it by consulting some verses with my father who has better understanding of the Holy Book and of Islam and I listened to lectures of Islamic scholars particularly Mufti Menk and Yasmin Mogahed. Perhaps when you're conscious that something is going wrong in your life, it is a reflex that you try to bind yourself together by looking within you the purpose of your very existence. I clung to my faith and by counting my blessings, all the chaos and negativities hovering above me gradually disappeared. The greatest thing that happened to me while I was in crisis was accepting that what is happening in our lives is way beyond our control, that we can only do so much, and recognizing the power of The One Above who is The Best Planner, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful. I believe I understood more things now about my faith than I do before, and there are still a good measure that I am yet to learn and understand.

I am grateful to three people who got my back while I was in crisis, the three people who made me see how blessed I am and who returned my positive outlook in life, they are the ones who I constantly talk to about my problems, who had awkwardly seen me crying, and despite my tantrums and everything, they still loved me unconditionally: my father, my husband and my brother J. I love you three!! 

Haiyan/Yolanda

I was given an opportunity to see what looks like a post-apocalyptic scene at Tolosa, Leyte. The ARMM health contingent was the first to arrive in the area. We have seen the sadness in their eyes and heard the mourning in their voices. It was heartbreaking beyond words.

Bangon, Pilipinas. 

The Zambo Mission

What happened in Zamboanga City few months ago stirred the whole nation. Peace and order instability has a domino effect on the society, economy, and ultimately, health status of the people. Hence, when the crisis broke out in Zambo, the IPHO-Lanao del Sur set out for a Humanitarian Mission under the mandate of the DOH-ARMM. Zamboanga City does not belong to the jurisdiction of the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao (ARMM) but it is undeniable that most of the affected are natives of the island provinces of Basilan, Sulu and Tawi-Tawi which belong to the ARMM provinces. Besides, we need not nit-pick to whom we should offer our help. 

After almost ten (10) hours of land travel, we arrived at Zamboanga City at around 6:00 pm. We had a short briefing with our bosses from the IPHO and with the DOH-ARMM and DSWD-ARMM. 

Some of the stuff we brought were lugged by no other than our big boss. 

When we arrived, some of the establishments in the city were already opened. We didn't feel the tension in the air just yet. Everything seemed normal. 

Our team was greeted by ARMM Regional Governor Mujiv Hataman on the first day before we set out to the barangays to do the works. 

We were treated to this tausug specialty called Satti. It's like the Javanese satay minus the peanut sauce. I am not familiar with the satti sauce. It was also served with cubes of rice.  

And then the mission began. 

This ambulance was our makeshift mobile pharmacy, so we can easily pack-up and ran if anything untowards happen. 

At Brgy. Talon-Talon. One of the barangays afflicted with the crisis. It certainly felt like a ghost town upon entering the vicinity. Most houses were locked, small sari-sari stores were closed and you barely see people on the streets. 

Our resident photog. Rocaya. Visit her at www.rocayaaa.tumblr.com because we're friends. Haha! 

While we were doing medical consultations, a smoke hovered above us. It was a signal that a house nearby was being allegedly burnt down by the rebels. We also heard loud exchange of gunshots which obviously signaled us to pack up and leave. Nevertheless, we were able to maximize our services by going from other five barangays in the outskirts of the city where evacuees sought shelter.

Our good friend, Racquel, spent her birthday during the mission. What a great way of spending an important milestone of your life in the name of service. Great job, Racqs! :D 

Doctors at your service. :)

Our experience was a mixture of excitement, fear, adrenaline rush and the strong drive to offer health services. With what was being shown on TV, it was understandable that our parents and loved ones were hesitant in allowing us to go to Zamboanga. But when unconditional service is in your blood, you are always ready to take a leap where you are needed. 

Two Cents

For my 27th year on this mysterious earth, allow me to share what life has inculcated in me.

1. HARDWORK

              It always pays off. Never fails. If you want something really bad, you just have to really work on it head-on. The universe will not conspire in your favor if you fail to perform your part. Try asking successful men on their secret to reaching the peak of their triumph and they got only one word for you, dude --- hardwork.

2. FAITH

              Never ever sell yourself short. Keep the faith that you can achieve achieve your goal, because if you don't believe in yourself, who will? But the biggest share of your faith should go to God--put your entire trust on Him as you trudge your way to success because He, alone, causes circumstances to happen.

3. GRATITUDE

              Pay gratitude to the people, who, in one way or another have helped in pushing you to the limits until you reach the top. They may be your parents, siblings, mentors, family members and friends who have offered prayers, provided comforting words, embraced you and tapped your back when you feel like giving up. Always say your Thank Yous, these are two powerful words that are soothing to the heart. Those people who have rendered help, especially your family and mentors, do not expect anything in return other than a simple Thank You. And, say it a sincere smile. :D

4. HUMILITY

               Wherever your feet brings you, just keep them firmly planted on the ground. Arrogance will bring you nowhere but to your downfall. Always keep your confidence with your head bowed low.

5. PATIENCE

                One will not value his success if he did not meet thorny obstacles along the way. These obstacles will either make or break your goal, so always carry patience as your weapon. InshaAllah, it will shield you through the terrifying sea of obstacles.

6. OPEN-MIND

                Finally, as you go all through these, face life with an open-mind. When the waves of life don't seem to agree with you, don't easily dwell into the darkness of frustration, believe that it shoves you to a better place.


Alhamdulillah for another great year! Thank you 2012, you've been awesome! On my 27th, multitude of changes are beginning to take place and I'm facing them with bravery. Help me God. :)

Of Faith

I oftentimes find myself hanging for words whenever I attempt to write about my faith--the Islamic faith. I can't seem to discern the words that would create cohesive statements. I never wrote anything about how adherent I am to my religion because I don't wanna sound too-good-to-be-true or you know, be like some people who tweet or facebook stuff like "Just finished praying Maghrib" or "Going to read the Qur'an" or something like that. There's NOTHING wrong with praying or reading the Qur'an, of course, that's how a devout Muslim should do but the wrong thing is actually tweeting it or putting it in your FB status. That sounds more like "Hey, look at me, I'm such a religious person" to me. Because you don't tweet or facebook your faith, you put it  in your heart and you act according to it. You shouldn't say you're a Muslim, you should act like a Muslim. Those are different and people should understand that.

Another reason why it's difficult for me to write about my faith is the fact that I'm in a complete struggle in maintaining the practices of a true Muslim. When I say true Muslim, this is the one who performs the 5 pillars of Islam with pure and sincere intention such as: a.) The recitation of Shahadah, that is witnessing that there is no god but Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) and that Prophet Mohammad (salallahu 'alaihi wasallam) is His messenger, b.) performing five daily prayers, c.) fasting during the holy month of Ramadhan, d.) giving Zakat or charity to the needy, and to those who can afford, e.) performing Hajj at least once in a lifetime. Aside from the five pillars, we are also to believe in the 6 Articles of Faith which are: a.) Belief in the Oneness of Allah, that you do not attribute any other god to Him b.) Belief in the existence of Angels, c.) Belief in the Books of Allah (Torah of Prophet Musa (alaihi salam), Psalms of Prophet Dawud (alaihi salam), Gospel of Prophet Isa (alaihi salam) and Qur'an of Prophet Mohammad (s.a.w)), d.) Belief in the Prophets of Allah, e.)  Belief in the Day of Judgment, and finally, f.) Belief that everything that happens is Willed by Allah. 

Moreover, a true Muslim also adheres to the sunnah of the Prophet Mohammad (s.a.w). The Holy Qur'an tells us to pray but it wasn't stated there how to pray, so there enters the sunnah or the hadith. It comprises of laws and practices of the Holy Prophet for mankind to follow suit. The Holy Qur'an tells the women to lower their gaze and cover their bosoms, now the Hadith tells us to cover our body showing only our faces, hands and feet. That's why we wear hijab and draw them on our chest, we are also not supposed to wear skimpy clothes, we should avoid laughing boisterously in public and most importantly, we are not supposed to go out with men who are not our mahram. 

Therefore I would not blame my blockmates if they say it is difficult to become a Muslim. Lahat na lang bawal, they would say. Yes, it is difficult from the point of view of non-Muslims as they are not accustomed to the practices and they are not aware of the rationale behind the practices. They find it weird and inhumane. For them, wearing the hijab is a sign of oppression as women in Islam cannot reveal their true selves--that rockstar in them. For them, fasting during Ramadhan is a punishment. For them, not being able to party and drink alcoholic beverages is a form of inhibition. But I am not here to preach about my religion, I leave them at that. Nor do I tell them that what they do is wrong because as my colleagues, I hold high respect for their beliefs and their own faith. Walang basagan ng trip, ika nga. 

I feel lucky to have been born in an Islamic household, where both of my parents are devout and pious Muslims who serve as the best example for us, their children. I believe that every Muslim should stand firmly  to being labeled a Muslim, that we should strive to become the best of what we are. However, in a world where our religion is badly stained by people who claim to be Muslims but are doing the exact opposite of what the religion teaches, it is difficult to prove them wrong. Nevertheless, the least we can do is to show them the image of a true Muslim. The real one. Not the one projected by the media. And there enters my own struggle in keeping my faith firm and consistent. I confess, among the abovementioned five pillars of Islam, I am only consistent with the recitation of the Shahadah and fasting during the Holy Month. As for the daily prayers, I am not able to complete the five daily prayers. I pray whenever I am at home, but I dismiss my prayers or even forget about the waqtu whenever I'm outside. But my conscience is eating me up inside. If you remember this, , then I still feel that way. It's not just about the prayer that boggles me as well, it is the whole conduct and behavior of a true Muslim that I cannot meet. Allah knows what is in my heart, how I try to become the best Muslim that pleases Him, because everything that I do is in accordance to worshiping The Almighty. That's how it should be. 

In retrospect, I still thank Him that He gives me this feeling of guilt, this eagerness to renew my faith and to seek and understand more about my religion because if He closes my ears, my sight and my heart then, boy, I'm in big trouble. So please, Ya Allah, strengthen my faith in You and continue leading me to the straight path. Ameen. 

I ask Allah's forgiveness and turn to Him in repentance. 

He may be tiny but he says something enormous. We, Muslims, are the most stereotyped people. 

The world's just not fair. 

Eid'l Fitr

(this is an overdue post) 

Islam celebrates only two festivities: Eid'l Fitr and Eid'l Adha. Eid'l Fitr is celebrated at the end of the Holy Month of Ramadhan while Eid'l Adha, the feast of sacrifice, is celebrated during the month of Dhul Hajj. Basically, the festivities consist of prayers (salaa'tul eid) and greeting family and friends with peace. Most often than not, families spend the important occasion with each other by rising early for the congregational prayer and afterwards sharing their best culinary specialties. Eid'l Fitr celebrates not just the mere act of "being able to eat again" after one whole month of fasting, the same way that Ramadhan is not just about skipping meals/water during daytime. Eid'l Fitr entails that the discipline and the strength of faith that we have developed all throughout Ramadhan must not put to cease but must be continued all year round. The Eid is meant to bring tranquility to the Muslim Ummah as we give our salaam  to everyone. Ironically though, looking at the news, tranquility and peace is a strange word in the Arab world nowadays. 

It is my first time this year not being able to spend the holiday at home, but being with my cousins here in Manila, I don't feel any less at home. We were up very early on the morning of August 30 to catch up the salaatul eid at Quirino Grandstand. Thousands of Muslims all over the metro were there to pray together. It was wonderful, wonderful sight. How can I not believe in the miracles of Allah when the previous night it was raining cats and dogs due to the typhoon and then suddenly the sky cleared and became sunny on the Eid morning? Allah (s.w.t.) indeed gives abundance of Mercy. 

My family in the metro. (l-r) Kuya Dabs, Ate Papay, moi, Ate Hanna, Princess, Uncle Mumar and the two adorable kiddos Sabreen and Asma. Hosni took this photo. 

It was just us here so the table was set to seven people only, unlike in inged  where we don't use the dining table. We use tens of tabaks for a buffet style meal because everyone comes around. :)

It is but tradition that Muslim women boast their culinary expertise on this holiday. My cousin Ate Hannah is an excellent cook so she did all the cooking while Princess and I played her apprentice slicing peppers and handing her the spices bottles etc. She does it perfectly without exerting too much effort and voila! here are her mouth-watering specialties for the day.

Cassava ala Hannah. You guys must have a taste of her cassava cake, it's simply the best!! It's full of texture and every ingredient slips smoothly into your tastebuds you can't get enough of it! For orders, do text me. Hehe. 

Chickne Khabsa Rice. This is an Arabian food which is my ultimate favorite! The rice is cooked using various Arabian spices which gives a strong aftertaste but something that makes you crave for more. The chicken was cooked separately using the same spices and placed on top of the rice.

Pindiyalokan a Manok. This one's a native Meranao food, chicken cooked in shredded coconut meat and our famous palapa (this one doesn't have an English translation) and kalawag (yellow-ginger powder). 

Koning Rice. Who among the Meranaos don't love kiyuning a begas? This is cooked using coconut milk instead of plain water, peppered with yellow-ginger, laurel leaves and pandan leaves. Koning is served during the best  of occasions and when you visit a Meranao household, you know you're special when this is served.

Pasta. Need I say more? Well, I guess everybody just loves pasta! Haha. Oh, we also have grilled chicken that day which I fail to take its photo! That one's better than Mang Inasal or anywhere!

Post-Eid meal. As I always say, nothing beats being with the family on special occasions.

Alhamdulillah (all praises belong to Allah) for a wonderful family I have, back home and here; for being able to survive Ramadhan alongside OB-GYN; for providing all of us good health; for the gift of friends; for being able to live everyday with peace and tranquility in our hearts.

I sat down and opened Ciara (this lappy) with a concrete theme on my mind to write. I started typing the first word, paused, heaved a deep sigh, and slowly pressed backspace. I made my brain work. I think again. Again and again.The subject flees my mind. I have nothing to write.

I tried typing a sentence followed by another sentence supporting the former. But I cannot make a conclusion. Ctrl+A, then delete. I have nothing to write.

I stared at the blank page, the cursor blinking at me. I contemplate. I muse. I ponder. Every single minute. 

What will I do next? What is the meaning of this or that? What will happen next? Will I be happy with it?

What is happiness? Is this happiness?

Love. It continues to elude me. What is it? How it is to be loved or to love?

I decided not to write about something I know not.

What I know is…hunger.

It's heartbreaking when the people you put so much trust into decided to leave you hanging the air. There is indeed no loss among those who chose their friends carefully. However, you can never tell what lies ahead. Never give 100% trust to people especially involving legal matters. And that, my dear friends, I learned the hard way. 

TRY PUTTING YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. Indulge in the pain and the impending name stain. 

Conclusion: Real and true friends do not exist in my world. There is no one to save me except Him, whom I have my full trust and faith. Ya Allah, I seek refuge.