Words for 2017

This came quite late for my annual blog tradition where I describe my past year with two words. I was caught up with pre-residency and eventually residency that I had little time to sit down and write. So much for the introductory words. 2017 was my worst year. Ever. All the terrible things that could happen in probably 5 years were squeezed in a single year for me. What better way to describe it than LOSS and DEFEAT.

LOSS

What happened in Marawi is one for the books, it will be marked in our history for the rest of our lives. The story will be passed down from one generation to the next after us. We lost our most prized possession—our homeland, including the properties which were product of our parents’ and grandparents’ sweat and blood. Almost all our family’s properties along Lilod Madaya---those of my grandmother, my grandaunts and granduncles, my uncles and aunts, my cousins’—were lost to the war paved by young men claiming to purge Marawi from its sins. It’s been eight months since the siege and I still cannot get over it. I cannot even bring myself to watch documentaries showing the massive destruction in our land. 

In relation to the siege, I lost someone very close to my heart. Someone I consider a sister. She was blinded by a false ideology thinking that she can somehow save her family and her land by joining the war. I shall respect whatever reasons she had for what she did will never change how I saw her as one of the most kind, innocent and adorable person I have ever met. She will never hurt even a fly. Her soft voice and laughter will forever be remembered. 

In the midst of the siege, I lost one of the most important persons in my life---my grandmother. She was very healthy at mid-80s, but one fine afternoon, as she was about to pray for salaatul-‘asr, she fell while sitting on her bed and was declared DOA at the hospital. I went home to Lanao del Sur, but not in Marawi. My heart was breaking when I was there not being able to smell the fresh air of MSU or even take a glimpse of Marawi because of the ongoing Martial Law. It pains me to see and to know that my relatives, people I grew up with, were scattered all over Mindanao.

At around that time, there were many reports about missing men in Iligan and my brother-in-law was one of them. He was abducted for almost 6 weeks, we initially thought it was a kidnap-for-ransom case but we never heard from the abductors. My in-laws searched the entire Lanao but to no avail. We’ve exhausted all the possible means but everything turned out negative. We’ve only clung to our unrelenting faith in Allah that he’ll be back to us safe and sound. True enough, when we’ve almost lost hope, he unexpectedly appeared at the doorstep of their place in Iligan. I will not dwell on the details of his abduction but up to now he has no idea who his abductors were as he was blindfolded the whole time. What he knows is that they were Visayan-speaking men. Alhamdulillah for the second chance at life given to my brother-in-law. I pray those men won’t bother him again.

DEFEAT

2017 was the best time for my clinical career to get back on track. I applied for residency training at the most prestigious Department of Internal Medicine at the Philippine General Hospital. Out of 100+ exam takers, I was one of the 48 passers who qualified for pre-residency. I was ecstatic when I passed the exam. Knowing how rusty my brain has become after almost 3 years of not practicing, it came as a surprise that some medical concepts were still retained in my memory. From the 48 pre-residents, only 36 of us made it at the end of the pre-res. The rest didn’t continue while some quit in the middle. From 36, only 21 qualified for residency training. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t make it. It kinda broke my heart a bit because I prepared and worked hard for it but somehow I was thankful because in the middle of pre-res I kept asking myself if I really want to pursue it there. For the entire 2 weeks, I barely see my kids and I lost track of the household that I manage. I left everything under the care of Jabar and the household help.

I wasn’t ready to give up my dream of becoming an internist yet. I looked for an open pre-res in other hospitals. I tried Manila Doctors Hospital. They allowed me to go on pre-res for a week along with 9 others but only 4 remaining slots were open. I gave my best shot for that week. I was very competitive, always ready for an answer, even the chief resident was rooting for me. I was kinda sure I will get in. For the second time, I was defeated. Apparently, the chairman was doubting my commitment because of Jabar’s nomadic nature of work. He was afraid I might quit in the middle of residency. I cried buckets. I felt like I lost all the chance of getting into residency. I’m getting old and the medical concepts I know are becoming obsolete by the day. I need to refresh my brain.

*********************************

2017 taught me that with every loss and defeat, there’s always a chance to rise above the challenges. Loss and defeat are both a state of the mind. Meranaos have lost Marawi but our consciousness will forever be connected to our beloved Ranao. Our Meranao-ness will never be lost. We and our children will still speak our language, we will still wear our malong, we will still cook and eat pindialokan a manok , and palapa will still be our staple spice wherever in this world we will be. This government may have succeeded in bombing our homes and driving us away, but Meranaos will thrive and we will even become better people, in shaa Allah. With our hands, blood and sweat, we will rebuild Marawi.

(Pause. I’m crying profusely now)

I may not have continued Internal Medicine and I may have felt defeated after two attempts at IM residency but I found my niche now with Family Medicine (FM). Alhamdulillah. Family Medicine is a highly clinical branch but offers a lot more benign schedule. Residency training in FM allows me to indulge in deep clinical learning and at the same time take care of my children and of the household. It allows me to take care of my own health and well-being. Alhamdulillah. Allah’s mercy is indeed never-ending. I do not regret those time I went into IM pre-residency because I met wonderful people and maybe that’s Allah’s way of not making me regret my decisions. He made me experience what it is to become an IM resident but did not bring me there because He knows it will not do me good.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. All Praise Is For the Lord of the Universe whose love and mercy is boundless.

Leap Of Faith

I'm currently staring at my residency application form that I will be submitting in a few days together with my other academic credentials. I prepared myself for this --- emotionally (and intellectually? Nah. I don't think I've reviewed enough. I'm actually panicking!). I'm hyperventilating by the mere thought of residency. Now the most important question to ponder on: am I ready to sacrifice precious moments with my daughters for the advancement of my career, for honing the craft I've worked hard for all my life? 

                                          

The blank application form is staring right back at me as if nodding in affirmation. Not too long ago, I made a decision that changed my life. I --- a provincial girl who never left her comfort zone --- took a big leap of faith and chose to spend a year of internship at an institution where all brilliant minds in the Philippine medical field meet. Considering I wasn't on the topmost of my class, I wasn't sure if I will get accepted. A year later, I finished my medical internship with grace and pride and eventually passed the medical board exam. 

                                            

I'm at it again. It's different now though because as I will be holed up the next three years of my life in the hospital, I will not only be sacrificing my personal social life but I have two daughters and a husband who will bear the consequences of my frequent absence in their lives. 

I ask myself this, WILL IT BE WORTH IT? 

It is difficult now, but perhaps, my family will thank me in the future for treading this path, for making this crucial decision. 

Yes, in shaa Allah, it will be worth it. 

Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem. 

On Parenting

My eldest, Yamyam (Amina Mariam), is turning two years old in few days which means it’s been two years since Jabar and I became parents! The fun part is becoming parents to TWO KIDS in a span of TWO YEARS! Hahahaha! No guys, I’m way too far from being an expert in this parenting business but I’m going to share with you bits of what I’ve learned as a Mom.

Yamyam playing with stones

  

1.)  Each child has a unique pace of development

You know how when you’re pregnant for the first time and you download all the apps that tracks your baby’s development? We’re so excited, right? When the baby is still in the tummy, I think it’s alright to keep track every single minute that your baby is growing his ears or opening his eyes, etc. But when he’s already out in this world, there’s a certain age range for him to achieve his developmental milestones. So don’t fret when he’s not yet rolling over at 4 months, or not yet sitting on his own at 8 months. Your baby’s just finding his perfect time and eventually he’ll get there.  

      2.) There’s no manual for parenting

I wish there’s one so we can just follow the steps especially on the troubleshooting part aka tantrums, unfortunately, there’s none. All the parenting articles out there or even books and apps are merely GUIDES. I believe the key is to not compare your child to other kids and even yourself to other parents. You may have breastfed your child while others may not have for some valid reasons. Baby-led weaning may have worked for them but not in your household. Others may have raised their children in a Montessori environment but unfortunately for you, you don’t have that kind of environment. THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE. Do what works for you and for your family.

Amreen at 4 months old

3.)  Kids do not need fancy stuff

We, parents, want the best for our children. However, what is deemed best may be quite expensive. There was an instance when I bought a quite pricey toy because apparently, it is good for an infant’s sensory and visual development, a perfect teething aide and it garnered excellent reviews and even endorsed by celebrities! But when I got home and so excited for my little daughter to play with it, she threw it and didn’t even like getting a grip of it! Ugh. See? Most often than not, we buy stuff for our own satisfaction, stuff that our kids barely need in actuality. Whenever I am in the kids’ section, I always ask myself: am I buying this for my baby, or for my own satisfaction because it is Instagram-worthy? *rolls eyes at myself*

4.) Every child is different

As well as every pregnancy. Yes. When I was pregnant with my second child, I was expecting the exact same experience as with my firstborn. I was even expecting them to look exactly the same! Hahaha! Oh boy was I wrong. I have now two daughters who are completely different from each other, and in some ways, raised differently. Yamyam was delivered normally but was only breastfed for two months while Amreen was delivered via CS (she was a breech baby!) but exclusively breastfed until as of writing time. Yamyam is mini-Jabar while Amreen is mini-me (although a lot of people still says that she looks more like her father. Ugh. No way, I insist she looks like me guys!). Yamyam is the rowdy one while Amreen is more quite and lady-like (yes, I can say that even though she’s only 8 months old. Lol!). I hate comparing them two, or even hearing other people comparing them, because they are two unique individuals. Children can be raised in a single household by the same parents but they’ll eventually grow up with different inclinations, wants and needs.

Yamyam enjoying a book at the day care

5.) Be in the moment, they’re not going to be the way they are now forever

Several months ago, I deleted my Twitter app on my phone followed by my Facebook app. Being detached from social media and all the negativities it brings gave me more time to be mentally present with my kids. I got to observe their little nuances and even the arrangement of the pores on their skin. As I was scanning through Yamyam’s infant photos, I felt a little nostalgic. It wasn’t too long ago (that was just last year!) when I was holding her in my arms swaying her around until she falls asleep. I don’t do that to her anymore and most of the time she doesn’t want to be carried any longer. She even pushes me because she wants to run, run, and run around. Aaaawww… so I cherish every single second that Amreen wants to be carried by me especially when she yearns for my breasts to be able to sleep. The time will come that, just like her sister, she won’t be breastfeeding anymore and won’t be needing me as much as she does now.  

6.) They’ll eventually learn to be independent

There were moments before that I thought I should have practiced baby-led weaning for Yamyam so it would be effortless on my part to feed her. I find it so difficult to spoon feed a child who refuses to eat! There’s too much drama and stress. Until two months ago, I realized that she refuses to eat because she wants to hold the spoon by herself! She wants to eat alone and drink from her glass of water without needing much assistance from me! Oh my child, how you’ve grown. So moms, don’t stress out when your baby seems over clingy. You’ll be surprised one day they do their own things alone.

7.) Subsequent babies are easier to handle than the first ones

Of course because we already know the drill. Besides, I want to believe that we’re correcting our mistakes this time around so we’re doing things better than what we did with our firstborn. With our second babies (and the succeeding ones), we become less of a worrywart. We know that it’s ok if they lose their balance and hit the floor while trying to master the art of walking, we don’t get cyanotic first when our babies gag on their first few solid food intake, and yes, your baby is completely fine if he gets bitten by mosquitoes once in a while or accidentally sustained an abrasion on his knees. It’s not always your fault, Moms, it’s just your kids being kids!

If you’re the kind of Mom who fret at every little thing concerning your children’s upbringing, well, you’re not alone but first, chillax. Breathe. Tantrums will eventually cease and your children will grow and you will miss them. Always remember to be in the moment. Play with them, laugh with them, shower them daily with lots of hugs and kisses. Give yourself some me-time, pamper yourself, eat good food and be healthy. What really matters is our family’s happiness and saving our own sanity. I hope some points here did help and may we raise our children gracefully and lovingly. Have a great day, Mommies! 

Life has a distinct way of tossing at us incredible twists and turns that majorly disrupts our plans for the future. There are detours and setbacks which are, in retrospect, part of the Divine Plan arranged for us by The Great Force maneuvering our lives. We should always think of these segues as part of putting us on the right track. Other people would give an arm and a leg to catch what you were tossed with. 

This time, I shall put on hold worrying/thinking about the future. I shall enjoy all these beautiful surprises, which are not part of my plan, but definitely a plan of my Creator. For He is the Best of Planners, I could never be audacious to ever question His plans. And yes, life doesn't get as exciting as now.

I am but a grateful creature. 

Skinny No More

                          With my friend Mabi during an RC event.                              

The photo above popped from my #timehop app. It was from 2 years ago when I felt fantastic in a 50kg body, an ideal weight for my 5'0 (actually, 5.02 feet!) height. Growing up, I have always been on the curvy side. It's in my genes to have wide hips and large thighs, thanks to my Mom whom I love so much. Haha! I struggled to put my body frame on the normal scale, such influence of TV and print media. 

With my post-pregnancy weight still clinging on and my insatiable appetite, I know that getting back to my 50kg self is a thing of the past. I actually can, but I have embraced this figure and presently left with no desire to get that skinny again. I only aim now to have a healthy and fit body by eating healthy and doing a regular exercise. My husband and I enjoy running on the treadmill or jogging in the park together. Truth be told, I have never appreciated myself more than I do now. I love every curve on my waist because I know  that no matter what shape I am in, I am absolutely accepted and loved. Alhamdulillah. 

At The Sanctuary of Truth, Pattaya. A week before I learned I was preggers. I blogged about it HERE. 

Thoughts About Motherhood

When you haven't had a baby yet, it is very easy to put little value to what our parents, especially our mothers, have done for us. It is very easy to reduce all their hardworks and efforts to keep us thriving since the day we were born as a mere "responsibility". When they recount the difficulties they encountered in raising us, we hear blah-blahs floating in the air without painting the real picture in our minds. I heard some people argue against their parents on the basis that they didn't choose to be born in this world. What they didn't realize is that our parents are not only doing the things they do for us out of responsibility but out of unconditional love. The kind of love that they didn't thought of, but one that is born out of instinct. When our parents decided to keep us, it comes with shouldering the responsibility to raise us as moral beings. 

Me and my new BFF (2 months old).  

                               

That is exactly how I feel for my daughter. I want to give her all the best in this world not only because it is my God-given responsibility but out of maternal instinct that is love. I prayed to have my own children even before praying to meet the man that would be their father. Therefore I cannot put into words the emotions when I learned that I was pregnant, much more when I already have her in my arms. I often caught myself staring at her when she's sleeping and responding to her babbles as if we're in the middle of a conversation. I usually imagine our future exchange of thoughts and opinions and the many places we would travel as a family. She would be our future best friend, our confidante, our travel buddy and our future care taker when her father and I gets old. She is my daughter and the world would be her playground. In shaa Allah. 

The Zambo Mission

What happened in Zamboanga City few months ago stirred the whole nation. Peace and order instability has a domino effect on the society, economy, and ultimately, health status of the people. Hence, when the crisis broke out in Zambo, the IPHO-Lanao del Sur set out for a Humanitarian Mission under the mandate of the DOH-ARMM. Zamboanga City does not belong to the jurisdiction of the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao (ARMM) but it is undeniable that most of the affected are natives of the island provinces of Basilan, Sulu and Tawi-Tawi which belong to the ARMM provinces. Besides, we need not nit-pick to whom we should offer our help. 

After almost ten (10) hours of land travel, we arrived at Zamboanga City at around 6:00 pm. We had a short briefing with our bosses from the IPHO and with the DOH-ARMM and DSWD-ARMM. 

Some of the stuff we brought were lugged by no other than our big boss. 

When we arrived, some of the establishments in the city were already opened. We didn't feel the tension in the air just yet. Everything seemed normal. 

Our team was greeted by ARMM Regional Governor Mujiv Hataman on the first day before we set out to the barangays to do the works. 

We were treated to this tausug specialty called Satti. It's like the Javanese satay minus the peanut sauce. I am not familiar with the satti sauce. It was also served with cubes of rice.  

And then the mission began. 

This ambulance was our makeshift mobile pharmacy, so we can easily pack-up and ran if anything untowards happen. 

At Brgy. Talon-Talon. One of the barangays afflicted with the crisis. It certainly felt like a ghost town upon entering the vicinity. Most houses were locked, small sari-sari stores were closed and you barely see people on the streets. 

Our resident photog. Rocaya. Visit her at www.rocayaaa.tumblr.com because we're friends. Haha! 

While we were doing medical consultations, a smoke hovered above us. It was a signal that a house nearby was being allegedly burnt down by the rebels. We also heard loud exchange of gunshots which obviously signaled us to pack up and leave. Nevertheless, we were able to maximize our services by going from other five barangays in the outskirts of the city where evacuees sought shelter.

Our good friend, Racquel, spent her birthday during the mission. What a great way of spending an important milestone of your life in the name of service. Great job, Racqs! :D 

Doctors at your service. :)

Our experience was a mixture of excitement, fear, adrenaline rush and the strong drive to offer health services. With what was being shown on TV, it was understandable that our parents and loved ones were hesitant in allowing us to go to Zamboanga. But when unconditional service is in your blood, you are always ready to take a leap where you are needed. 

The Complainant

This is perhaps normal for people who extended their adolescent stage and woke up one day, forced to act like an adult, and thrown into the world of the unknown. It wasn't normal for me to complain for the things happening in my everyday life, I grew up to accept all the tiny bits thrown my way. And then all of a sudden, boom! the opacity of life disappeared and I got to see through it and saw the crippled form in everything. Here are the list of things I complain about almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

1. My brothers' messy stuff thrown all over the house.

I hate it when upon arriving at home, they'd leave their bags at the sala, used (and smelly) socks on the floor, and leaving their shoes wherever they feel like taking it off. Why the hell can't they just bring their stuff inside their rooms because I seriously do not care if their rooms looks like a storm had came to pass. Just please spare the sala. 

2. The unruly pedicab drivers in Marawi City.

Oh, Marawi City. I love my homeland, no doubt, that's why I struggled and did my best to get pulled out from Maguindanao and transfer my area of assignment here in Lanao del Sur to be able to enjoy the cool weather and the company of my family. BUT, everyday I am bombarded with unpleasant sights and experiences making Marawi a loathsome place to live in. For one, the unruly, choosy and abusive pedicab drivers. Our main means of public transpo here are pedicabs and jeepneys. They know nothing of road rules and etiquette. Oh, almost everybody here including jeepney drivers and even owners of private cars. Pedicabs are like parasites that infested the entire city (the cityhood of this place must be revoked) and even creeping into my beloved MSU. There are NO traffic lights and NO policemen to regulate the flow of the traffic. Sometimes, you can see policemen standing under the shade, watching the cars go by or try to regulate the traffic by waving their uncoordinated hands causing more knotting of the traffic. 

3. No proper disposal and collecting of garbage in Marawi City.

 Wherever you go, it is impossible not to notice mountain of stinky garbage and even spewed on the roads catching attention. I sometimes wonder where are the people that we have voted for public office. Where are those who promised to give their public service? Why are they not doing something about this? And why are the people so irresponsible to be just throwing their wastes wherever they want to? No shame, at all?  

In my own home, my father taught us since we were kids to separate our trash into biodegradable and non-biodegradable (true!!!). The biodegradables are thrown into a pit at our backyard and the non-bios are either recycled, burnt or sold to junk buyer passerbys.  

Our beloved public servants, how do you feel when you go out of your house and greeted by the stench of trash at the corner of your street? Do you just look and drive past it? No concern at all? 

4.  About my job as a Doctor to the Barrio in ARMM. 

I can probably write a whole novel about my job but let me start on how the DOH central office made us contractuals instead of having plantilla items which was enjoyed by senior DTTBs. Being on a contractual status bereft us of the benefits that we deserve including hazard pay in which we are fully entitled of. Our workload has no difference with that of our seniors, the only difference is that we are being treated unjustly by the agency which is supposed to take care of us considering that we are being fed to the lions in the geographically isolated areas in the country. 

Being a DTTB is worse due to the mandatory political ties in implementation of  the health programs but it is worst in ARMM. I am sorry to say this and to frustrate each and everyone who, like me, was very hopeful in trying to initiate change in the community. It appeared to me how powerful politics is, not just in the political arena per se, but in public agencies as well. Life in the Philippines revolves around dirty politics but worst in ARMM.

Almost a year later, being a doctor to the barrio is far from the fulfilling job I expect it to be. I was pulled out from my area in Maguindanao due to the erratic peace and order situation (political war) and I was subtly ousted by the local chief executive himself (aka Mayor) after defending my staff on our absence at the RHU during the heat of the midterm election period where firefight encounters occur almost everyday. Truth be told, nobody wants to risk his life for a nonsense reason (read: political greed). That untoward incident deserves a whole entry. Nevertheless, I got transferred to Lanao del Sur (Alhamdulillah!) in the comfort of home and of my family. I am still waiting for my next deployment. 

One year left for DTTB and I can plan my life again with my love. :)

               

Doctor-ing to the Barrios

Two years after being a First Gentleman Foundation Inc. (FGFI) scholar under the Doktor Para Sa Bayan Program and eventually earning our license as physicians, it's payback time. As beneficiaries to the scholarship, we are supposed to render service as community doctors through the Doctors To The Barrios (DTTB) Program of the Department of Health. Together with the Pinoy MD Scholars, we were deployed in the doctorless municipalities all over the country, from Batanes down to Tawi-Tawi, to fill in the lack of health specialists in geographically isolated and disadvantaged areas (GIDA). Entering the program is like hitting THREE birds with one stone. For one, I need not confuse myself after boards if I have to directly go on to residency or do some moonliting jobs. I already have a job at hand waiting for me with a relatively good compensation. Second, alongside with being a DTTB is a Master's Degree program at the Development Academy of the Philippines (DAP). Our Master in Public Management Major in Health Systems and Development (MPM-HSD) aims to prepare and mold us into the role of a health leader that we are in our community. Our classes at DAP occurs every six months for two straight weeks until the end of the DTTB program when we are expected to have an Action Plan and Project (APP) in lieu of the thesis required for a masteral degree in other institutions. Third, during the whole deployment time, I get to hold my own schedule leaving me a lot of time to spend at home, to be with my family and friends, and do the things I love. Had I went on to residency, I don't think I will consider getting married yet due to the incredibly tight schedule demanded by the training program. DTTB time is more like me-time for two whole years before proceeding to another phase of my career which is the residency training. 

October 2012. First CME (Continuing Medical Education) at DAP before deployment. A photo of the Habagats (DTTB Batch 30. Us.) with Former DOH Secretary Dr. Alberto Romualdez and the academic officials of DAP. 

With DOH Secretary Dr. Enrique Ona visiting the new members of his workforce. Driven by our ambitions, we were still full of idealism and vigor. We were so excited to be in the field, to impact changes, to educate, inspire and motivate people. We were yet to experience what is really happening down in the field. 

After several deliberations with a huge twist of fate, I was assigned to the far-flung municipality of Talitay, Maguindanao.  It seemed to me like I got into an another dimension with people who share the same religion but with a different culture and language. Everything turned out to be what I wasn't expecting. Being a DTTB in ARMM with a non-devolved health system is far from what was being taught to us at DAP. I cannot find a single hole to fit in what I had studied in the master's class.

With my PHN, Ma'am Rizza who accompanied me to Hon. Mayor Sabal's residence during the signing of my Memorandum of Agreement with the LGU. Yes, ako pa ang naglakad ng MOA ko. Something that should have been done and prepared for us by the DOH-ARMM or the IPHO at least. Well, this is how we roll here in ARMM. And yes, if you have something to lobby for to the local chief executive, don't go to the municipal hall. He's not there. He's at the comfort of his home. 

January 7, 2013. First day at work. What I have highly appreciated being a DTTB though is the staff. They are a whole bunch of dedicated workers who, despite the meager salary and being taken for granted by the local government, they still do justice to their work. The RHU-Talitay now has one doctor, one public health nurse, three regular midwives, one RN Heals, two RHMPP and another two MECA (Midwife in Every Community in ARMM). We have also have Barangay Health Workers (BHWs) who work voluntarily without any allowance from the LGU. 

Talitay is a 6th class municipality consisting of 9 barangays with a population of approximately 12,000. The main source of livelihood is farming and fishing. Poverty, similar to other ARMM municipalities, is a normal thing here. As far as I am concerned, I don't see how the local government or even the regional government is helping the people improve their livelihood. Parang kinalimutan na sila ng mundo. Seriously. 

Houses are made of light-weight materials. You don't see a decent house here. Bahay lang ni mayor. I don't think this only happens in Talitay. I've been to several municipalities in ARMM and I have seen and observed the same thing. 

This is our RHU, this is where I work. Most days of the week I only stay here. I don't do frequent barangay visits due to the unstable peace and order in the area. My staff are always on the look out for my safety. FYI, this was a former rebel den (I guess they still exist here) so a gunshot or two isn't surprising at all. Or even seeing a half-naked man with a rifle gun hanging on his shoulder. 

In spite of being geographically isolated, we have a decent Rural Health Unit with a room for the MHO. That's me. :)

This is what we traverse everyday----unconcreted, bumpy and muddy road to Talitay. Um, I wonder where do the IRA goes? Isn't this a major project supposedly?

After six months of being here, I feel like I have been drained despite having done none at all except seeing patients at the RHU everyday. It's difficult to implement health programs in an area with an erratic peace and order, highly politicized, unsupportive local government and with people who are passive and contented merely by selling their coconut produce for a few cents. These are people who are being chased down by midwives and nurses to get their children vaccinated or to have their sick family members be seen by a doctor at the RHU. With mental passiveness comes poor-health seeking behavior. That is difficult to address but as health workers, we keep on giving them health education in our hope that maybe someday, their attitude towards their health will change. 

After six months, I honestly have the urge to give up. I would either proceed to residency or fly to Nigeria to be with my husband. I seriously do not know yet. My life is at suspension at this very moment. Plus, there is a high probability that I will get transferred in Lanao del Sur (yay for that!! close to home!!) so I will be back to square one. 

And oh, I missed the hospital. I missed having real patients. I don't wanna deal with politics or with politicians anymore. Le sigh. This isn't supposedly how I should end an entry on my supposedly noble work. But honestly, I cannot feel any nobility in what I do. I feel so strangled and limited in my work by a lot of factors that all the idealism in me vanished in a span of six months. I lost hope for the health system in the same manner as I lost hope for the country. Everytime I hear politicans speak, I hear all lies. I don't think I can stay here for long, I am only waiting for the passing of time so I can live the life of a real doctor saving lives and be a wife.  

2012

Hello, blog.
The lack of a constant internet connection forced me to go on hibernation but it doesn't mean I stopped yearning for blogging which has been a part of me for the past seven years or so. :(

InshaAllah, I will write my detailed updates in my next entry. For now, suffice it to say that 2012 had been an awesome year for me. The first quarter was the time I was crawling towards the end of internship after 366 days of residing in the hospital. I finished my internship neatly, without make-up duties or any demerits. in fact, I even made use of my merits in some departments to make up for some deficiencies. Alhamdulillah, I survived Philippine General Hospital! The second quarter was the time I locked myself reviewing for the Physicians Licensure Exam, and yes I literally did that. I threw the world behind while I faced my books for three whole months of jitters and anticipations. And all our hard work paid off. Our Class had a 97.8% passing rate, making us the fifth best medical school in the country. Fifth may sound so behind but we take pride in it, it inspires the younger batches to perform better to climb to a higher post. This was also the time I met the man I am going to marry. This is a premature announcement but yes, I am going to knot the tie soon and that deserves a whole entry. :) I passed the boards during the third quarter of the year and I skyrocketed  and began plummeting on the fourth quarter already. Haha! Yes, that long. Anyway, I bummed on the third quarter, well, not entirely because I processed my DTTB (Doctors To The Barrios) papers, but most of the time, I only stayed at home staring at thin air and contemplating my passing of the board exam. Haha! It sunk in a little longer. The fourth quarter was the time I began to work on my deployment at Maguindanao as DTTB. It wasn't my choice to get assigned to an apparently chaotic area, it was nothing but a twist of fate. Nevertheless, I always believed that God is the best planner so I accepted the challenge. Up to when I can handle this? Only God knows. Haha! Again, my DTTB experience deserves a whole entry. I'm crossing my fingers right now for the series of blog assignments I'm giving myself.

Life has been so good to me, Alhamdulillah. I cannot ask for more. :) 

I'm sitting at Bo's Coffee right now, here in Cotabato City and we only have until 7pm to loiter because no public transportation goes inside the area past 7pm. And it's almost 7pm now. Ok, time's up!

Hello there. How have you been?

I know I have quite a lot of explaining to do for my hiatus which will hopefully come to an end. So much has transpired during the whole time I was away, too bad my brain can't process everything all at the same time. Please know that I am so much looking forward to sharing all the great and not-so-great things that happened. :)

Happy and in-love,

A.

Friends, I'm not an endorser of Benz yet. Focus on their slogan.

Intense!!!!

This is it, pansit!!!!

Dua'a. (prayers)

HBD T'lowa!

My fraternal triplet sibglings: (L-R) Alexander, Amanee and Zul. Photo taken TWO freaking years ago! Too many changes took place but I can't find a recent photo of them together. 

Happy, happy birthday to this three people who added exponential joy to our family since they were born. They made our Mom famous for delivering them via spontaneous vaginal delivery with normal birth weights, all three of them have APGAR score 9,9. Yeah, beat that!! No noted prenatal and fetomaternal complications. All three of them have unremarkable growth and developmental history with complete immunization c/o private pediatrician. They were breastfed until 6 months of age (don't ever ask me how many boobs our Mom has. she has only one pair. now go ahead and ask her how she managed feeding them!), weaned thereafter with all the nutritious foods that our Mom can come up with. Indeed, she's a wonderwoman at that. 

Trivia: all throughout Mama's pregnancy, we thought there were only two babies in her tummy. That's what her OB-GYN said because that's what she saw in the ultrasound. "You got two boys in your uterus, Missus". That's what she told our parents. So when the nurse went out of the delivery room announcing that the second baby was a GIRL, my Dad couldn't fathom how the doctor mistaken her daughter for a son!! The problem was, he wasn't ready for a girl's name for he prepared two names for both of the boys. Haha!! 

Now, when the nurse went out again informing us of the arrival of the THIRD baby, I swear I was only five but the scene plays vividly in my mind, my Dad and I were jumping back and forth outside the delivery room screaming "We got triplets, we got triplets!!!" (In Maranao though, we don't speak English at home! Haha). I also remember my grandmother scolding my Dad for being overjoyed when we do not know if Mama was still alive. Alhamdulillah, Mama was fine all throughout her birthing period she didn't even look like she'd given birth to THREE PEOPLE every FIVE minutes! How crazy could that be? 

Growing up, I often tease my sister of being "ampon". Nyahahaha! I used to tell her that her real mother was the woman who was also inside the delivery room with Mama who cannot afford to raise her and since our parents are generous, we adopted her. Hahaha! Good thing she didn't took it seriously. 

Happy birthday T'lowa*!!! I wish you all the best in this lifetime. I hope and pray that we just don't grow old but we GROW UP too, that's more important because it entails maturity in dealing with the harshness and glories of life. Cling to what Papa keeps on teaching us, and Inshaa Allah, we will all be guided. I love you three and I miss you much!! 

*T'lowa is Maranao word for triplets. 

BFF #2

Bestfriends.

Celebrating singlehood.

Celebrating love.

Celebrating two decades of friendship. 

Celebrating life.

Our story here. 

Warning: NEVER LAUGH at our old dugyutin faces way back grade school and high school! 

BFF #1

MY BEST FRIEND'S AROUND!!!!!!!

THIS IS GONNA BE A LOOOONG NIGHT!!!

I'M SO EXCITED I HAD TO WRITE IT IN ALL CAPS AND REALLY BLOG ABOUT IT AND PUT A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!

Ahem.

Excuse my manners. :)

I just miss this person A LOOOOOOOT!!!

Nomads On Expedition. Again.

I do not like being unsettled, I never liked the nomadic way---changing from one place to another. Traveling is different from living at different places for shorter terms. I started my nomadic life since I entered med school where I had to rent a house with three roommates. I lived comfortably in that niche for three long years until I had to look for another house for clerkship  where I happily lived for a year. Then I found a beautiful condo unit here in the metro with three other roommates where we struggled to live for 3 months. Some problems arose so we decided to separate ways and now I am gleefully living in another unit of the same building! I guess that story deserves an entry as a form of gratitude to the people who caught me wholeheartedly when I was badly bruised. :)  

In addition to the seemingly life-long pressure chamber I'm into, board exam is just around the corner!! So my med school friends and I hurriedly bus-rided to Fairview to house-hunt and see for ourselves the location of the review center. It was a long bus-ride from Ermita to Fairview!! After seeing the rooms, I picked the 7-person capacity room. It would seem crowded but the moment we begin reviewing, all of us would shift into a serious mode  having a single goal: TO PASS (or even, top! echoserang char char!!). So I believe it wouldn't be noisy after all. :) *fingers crossed* 

Because I felt the tension in the air among those reviewees we met there, I felt my heart drumming as I figured I would be in their shoes in few months' time! OMG!

So, to calm my almost throwing-a-tantrum child-self, I treated her to a P15 worth of sorbetes on a sugar cone. Happy heart! :)

Last Saturday was the 4th session of our monthly board review series at the Buenafe Auditorium of UP-College of Medicine. The subject was Microbiology and was productive as I unexpected it to be. Previous ones, the first two because I was absent on the third session, were really boring lectures I had to bring coffee inside the hall to keep me alive.

All interns are excused every second Saturday of the month since November 2011 to attend the 4-hour lecture on basic medical subjects. It's an opportunity to leave the humid environment of the ER when the review falls on a duty day. Hahaha! :)

As always, I took notes. 

P.S.

LAST FOUR GRILLING MONTHS OF INTERNSHIP!! WAAAAH!

Ideals

How many of you, medical students and physicians alike, have Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine?  Have you read the section "Ideals"? If you haven't because the moment you get your hand on the book, you directly flipped on the index to search for a particular disease, well, here goes:

Decision and intervention are the essence of action; reflection and conjecture are the essence of thought: the essence of medicine is combining these realms of action and thought in the service of others. We offer these ideals to stimulate both thought and action and action: like the stars, these ideals are hard to reach--but they serve for navigation during the night. 

• Do not blame the sick for being sick.
• If the patient's wishes are known, comply with them.
• Work for your patients, not your consultant.
• Use ward rounds to boost the patient's morale, not your own.
• Treat the whole patient, not the disease. 
• Admit people--not 'strokes', 'infarcts' or 'crumble'.
• Spend time with the bereaved, you can help them shed their tears.
• Question your conscience--however strongly it tells you to act. 
• Be kind to yourself--you are not an inexhaustible resource.
• Give the patient(and yourself) time: time to ask questions, time to reflect, time to allow healing to take place, and time to gain autonomy.
• Give the patient the benefit of the doubt. If you can, be optimistic: optimistic patients who feel in charge live longer and feel better.  

I have always categorized my books into two: school books and non-school books. School books are the text book ones, the boring ones, the one you read with the pressure of understanding it to get a fairly good grade during the exams. Non-school books are the fiction ones, literary ones, non-boring ones, the one I read with utmost desire while I let my imagination take me to some far away land and meet strangers and bizarre characters, books that teach me how to live life, books that present me with a new perspective. So it kinda surprised me to read something about how to practice the medical field in a humane kind of way. I should place this book under the uncategorized label because it is more than just a school book, it is a book on life--both literally and figuratively. :)

With all due respect, I've observed doctors who treat patients as patients and not as human being that they actually are. I, myself, is guilty of referring to patients according to their specific diseases and not by their names. (E.g., "Pauwi na si Lupus!" Instead of "Pauwi na si Ms. De Leon".)

I believe that medical practice shouldn't be based on how genius you are in treating your patient's disease but by treating the patient as a respected human being. :) 

Will post more about the few chapters in this book preceding the discussions on the diseases per se. :)

Beware Of What You Wish For

Status: Day 11 at Internal Medicine ward and because I got lame cases such as penile cancer, acute pancreatitis and uremic encephalopathy secondary to obstructive uropathy by a possible ovarian newgrowth, I asked our junior admitting physician on duty (JAPOD) to give me a cardiac or renal case. The one that will drive me to study. God granted my wish and gave me this 25 year old male patient with the following admitting diagnoses: 

• Acute intracerebral bleed, left parieto-occipital lobe with intraventricular extension, probably secondary to hypertensive bleed
• t/c health-care acquired pneumonia with possible aspiration component 
• Pulmonary tuberculosis III, Category I, intensive phase 
• Chronic kidney disease stage V, on chronic hemodialysis, s/p permanent catheter insertion 
• with secondary anemia, hypertensive urgency 
• upper gastrointestinal bleeding, considerations 1. Stress induced mucosal injury                                                                         2. r/o bleeding peptic ulcer disease

SIYA NA!