Ear Buddies

Hello, friends! Thanks to everyone who dropped a comment on my  previous blogpost. It's heartwarming to know that some of my friends, even if there's only 3 or 5 people of you, are reading my written thoughts. I hope I impart a little through sharing my life experiences. For the past decade of being here and on social media, I have gained a lot of knowledge through the people whose pages/accounts provide beneficial information. While many people agree that social media brought destruction to the fabric of our society, I think it really depends on how we consume it and not allowing these platforms to consume us. 

In this post, I'm going to share with you the podcasts I've been listening to for quite a while now. I've been a huge podcast listener during my housewife days in Bangkok, in a way it helped me clear out the conversations in my head and cope with the emotional distress I didn't acknowledge I had. I devoured  Ted Talk, Muslim Sheikhs like Mufti Menk and Nou'man Ali Khan, and my morning barkada: The Morning Rush (with Chico, Gino and Delle). I follow these people on Instagram even after Gino and Delle left the show. That's how I learned about The Eve's Drop. 

The Eve's Drop is hosted by three former women DJs of RX 93.1 --- Delamar, Gelli and Fran, produced by another former DJ Jude Rocha. Jude also participates in their convo. They talk about current events and pop culture; and guest significant people. As a woman and a mom, it's very easy to relate to them, especially during the start of this pandemic, I listen to them more often. 

In contrast to what The Eves are talking about, obviously these two ulamas deliver Islamic talks and most importantly, how to live in this highly corrupted society. I love how they remind us to always have hope in the mercy of Allah swt, and that His mercy supersedes His wrath. They don't bash other religions or those who do not strictly follow Islam, rather gives hope that these people may find spiritual enlightenment. They speak kindly but remind sternly that everything on earth is temporary. 

Mindful Muslimah is an American revert who lives in New York and serves as an older sister or in Filipino, "Ate", to her Muslim women followers. She's a niqabi and prefers to keep her identity private. She shares a lot about marriage, parenting, homeschooling, relationships, all within the context of Islam. Alhamdulillah. She's pretty much the life coach I've been looking for. She speaks about living as a Muslim woman/mom in this modern world. She also started a Book Club and of course you don't need to guess who got herself in! Lol. 

 

I love Michelle Obama. Period. Haha! In Meranao phrase, she is: "pka-datu iyan si karoma niyan" (in direct translation, she who can make her husband a king) that every mother looks for in a daughter-in-law. She's the greater force behind her husband's political career. She took care of the family while keeping her own career as a lawyer and still able to push her personal advocacies --- while her husband is in politics. She did that with a very minimal support system: her mother and few friends. Her podcast featured people close to her like her own family members, and selected friends who are a huge part of their administration. 

I hope you enjoy these podcasts as much as I do! You don't need a "spare" time in listening to them because you can do it while on to other things like driving, cooking or doing the laundry. It keeps you from possible negative thoughts and fills it in with inspirational messages from these empowered people. They are all on Spotify, btw.

Happy listening!

Changes

Hello, my dear reader(s).
It has been a terrible year dealing with so many circumstances occurring all at the same time in my life.
I dealt with a lot of emotions.
I was consumed.
There were days when I wake up feeling not knowing what to do with the things that needed to be done.
I procrastinated a lot.
I can no longer justify my bad habits.
Hopefully I can talk and write about it.
My struggles.
Yes I will, when I stop using instagram and twitter.
Perhaps, I can go back to writing again.

Seasons of Life

We were heading to our respective workplaces yesterday morning when my husband Jabar informed  me that he didn't make it to the promotion list in his office. He was sort of expecting it already but was hopeful that his performance in his hardship post assignment in Nigeria will get him promoted. One major criteria for promotion in his line of work is a continuing education (equivalent to continuing medical education among doctors) which means having enrolled in a masters class or, at least, a language class provided by the Foreign Service Institute. I have been pestering him to enroll in a language class since last year but his excuse was that he didn't want to lessen his time with his kids. I understand but his career has to progress. 

During the early days of my residency training, our helper decided that she didn't want to work for us anymore so Jabar and I were left with no one but ourselves. I didn't want to quit residency so I had to work extra hard balancing motherhood and my training. To say that the daycare center in Jabar's office is a major help is an understatement. The daycare saved my career. For 3 months that we've been helper-less, our daily routine consisted of bathing the kids at night so we only scoop them out of bed as early as 6am to hit the road while the kids are still sleeping. I go with them to his office, drop the kids at the daycare to change them into their new clothes and feed them breakfast. Then at 7am, off I go to my workplace which is only around 10-minutes away from my husband's office. That was the time that I was able to decipher Allah's plans for me when I got rejected in my application for Internal Medicine residency. Had I pursued IM, I know it won't take long before I quit considering that situation. Gladly, the workload in Family Medicine is not that heavy so I can go still go home as soon as the clock ticks 5pm. At home, Jabar and I divided the work. It's either I cook and he cleans the house and bathes the kids, or vice versa. During weekends, I do the laundry and ironing of clothes. I squeeze in whatever time left studying for my monthly exams and writing reports. It was a crazy 3 months!!!

Although FM residency is lighter than the other major fields, I am still a freshman who has to strictly comply with many department rules. I attend lectures during weekends or after office during weekdays. Jabar did adjusting the most, especially when I am on duty and he's left alone with two toddlers. He gives them a bath, feed them, put them to sleep and clean the house. He had to skip office whenever one of the kids get sick. During those time, he never told me to quit residency to focus on our family instead. Never. He continued to support me and we lived one day at a time.

Presently, we don't have a helper for the next two weeks as Ate Belle, our helper for almost 4 months, went home for a quick vacation. So the daily routine we had during our helper-less days is back. But it is not without a twist. It feels more difficult now that I am 26 weeks pregnant and the kids are heavier than several months ago! I can no longer carry either of the kids with my belly protruding and carrying another bag, even a light one. With  pregnancy discomfort sets in, it is more difficult to move around doing household chores, but I had no choice but to stand strong and do what I have to do without acting like a damsel in distress to an already-stressed husband. 

That, my friends, is the very reason why Jabar is not yet eager to enroll in any further studies in order to get promoted. He cannot do it while I am on residency training, not the season for it, he told me, smiling. Life has its different seasons. During the winter season of your life, do not wish for spring as it will eventually come. All we can do is appreciate the beauty of the season of life where we are presently in. Jabar is enjoying every single moment he is spending with our daughters, while he lets me proceed with my residency training. Our situation right now will not go on forever, he assured me. I will eventually finish residency and the kids will grow up and will need us less as they explore the world, then in shaa Allah that's the perfect time he can also proceed with his postgrad studies. Who knows, he might even have an opportunity to enroll in a prestigious uni abroad while he's at Post? 

Jabar and our eldest, Yamyam. 

One thing I admire most about my husband is his positive outlook in life and his resilience in whatever storm that come his way. I think I said this before but I never heard him complain while he faces each day with a strong demeanor. I pray for him everyday, may Allah give him all the best things in this world and in the hereafter because he is one of the genuinely good-hearted people I know. I love him so dearly, isn't it obvious? Haha!

trials

The threshold has been reached.
I wish this is merely a fleeting emotion, one that vanishes after a good cup of coffee or after a good night sleep. No matter how I coax this emotion to dissipate, it lurks like an unwanted shadow.

I must re-learn my value and my worth. I must stop compromising.
For what?

I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to be respected.

No Yaya, Big Problem

It's been two months since our household help/nanny left after more than a year of staying with us, right when I just started residency training. Oh well. It's so difficult to find a replacement nowadays and it's not like we live next doors to our parents or non-working relatives where we could just leave the kids while we go to work. We, technically, have no one here in the metro to help us out. The existence of the Daycare Center in Jabar's office plays a major role in our lives today. Had there been no daycare, my mind would have blown up. There's no way I'd stop residency right now.

How do we manage?

Jabar and I divide the household chores and attending to the kids' needs. If one cooks then the other does the laundry, if one gives the kids a bathe then the other one cleans up. So far, so good. But there are days when we are both sooo tired and just want to sleep and we are both so irritable. However, we have no choice but to do the tasks. Partnership has never been this meaningful for Jabar and I. Glad to have a hands-on husband who needs not to be pestered to do his tasks. He knows exactly what to do without reminding him. He makes yaya-less easy for me. Oh, credits must be given to my two daughters who are very cooperative. We give them a bath at night so as early as 6 AM, we scoop them up from the bed while they are still asleep. If they wake up while we're in transit to Jabar's office, I change their clothes in the car. Otherwise, I do it in the daycare. As soon as I drop them at the daycare, I take the UV Express to the hospital. Alhamdulillah my workplace is relatively near his office. These are the days when I wish I knew how to drive so it'd be easy for me to travel back and forth the daycare.

I wake up everyday between 3-4 AM to sterilize the bottles, boil water, cook rice for our baon, and clean up the mess from the previous night. It feels like going to the battle every morning, battle against time and traffic. We need to leave early so as not to get caught in the metro traffic, otherwise we will get late in the workplace. Punctuality has always been my mark (ahem!), I avoid being tagged as a late-comer since I am only a first year resident. So I really make sure that we leave the house before 6:30 AM.

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It is vividly clear to me now why Allah has put me in this path -- Family Medicine in Ospital ng Maynila Medical Center. The schedule just fits me perfectly even without a household help. We only have maximum of four duties in a month and we are at the OPD for the rest of the days, which means we can leave the hospital as soon as the clock strikes 5 PM. Therefore, I can do the household chores --- laundry, clean up, and cook--- as soon as I get home. These are the things I cannot do had I pursued Internal Medicine, even with the help of a nanny.

Notice my tired eyes. 

I've been looking for a nanny almost everywhere to the point that I even ask some of my patients if they know someone who wants to work for us but always to no avail. Well. I can only pray to Allah to send us a nanny whom we can entrust our kids to and will stay with us for a long time.

I have always wondered how women in Western countries, where getting household help/nannies is not the norm, do it. They can still get a full time job, reach their dreams and fight for their advocacy while raising well-balanced children into productive adults. WOW. Western doctors who are also moms are my source of inspiration right now. Gotta meet one and ask for tips!

Words for 2017

This came quite late for my annual blog tradition where I describe my past year with two words. I was caught up with pre-residency and eventually residency that I had little time to sit down and write. So much for the introductory words. 2017 was my worst year. Ever. All the terrible things that could happen in probably 5 years were squeezed in a single year for me. What better way to describe it than LOSS and DEFEAT.

LOSS

What happened in Marawi is one for the books, it will be marked in our history for the rest of our lives. The story will be passed down from one generation to the next after us. We lost our most prized possession—our homeland, including the properties which were product of our parents’ and grandparents’ sweat and blood. Almost all our family’s properties along Lilod Madaya---those of my grandmother, my grandaunts and granduncles, my uncles and aunts, my cousins’—were lost to the war paved by young men claiming to purge Marawi from its sins. It’s been eight months since the siege and I still cannot get over it. I cannot even bring myself to watch documentaries showing the massive destruction in our land. 

In relation to the siege, I lost someone very close to my heart. Someone I consider a sister. She was blinded by a false ideology thinking that she can somehow save her family and her land by joining the war. I shall respect whatever reasons she had for what she did will never change how I saw her as one of the most kind, innocent and adorable person I have ever met. She will never hurt even a fly. Her soft voice and laughter will forever be remembered. 

In the midst of the siege, I lost one of the most important persons in my life---my grandmother. She was very healthy at mid-80s, but one fine afternoon, as she was about to pray for salaatul-‘asr, she fell while sitting on her bed and was declared DOA at the hospital. I went home to Lanao del Sur, but not in Marawi. My heart was breaking when I was there not being able to smell the fresh air of MSU or even take a glimpse of Marawi because of the ongoing Martial Law. It pains me to see and to know that my relatives, people I grew up with, were scattered all over Mindanao.

At around that time, there were many reports about missing men in Iligan and my brother-in-law was one of them. He was abducted for almost 6 weeks, we initially thought it was a kidnap-for-ransom case but we never heard from the abductors. My in-laws searched the entire Lanao but to no avail. We’ve exhausted all the possible means but everything turned out negative. We’ve only clung to our unrelenting faith in Allah that he’ll be back to us safe and sound. True enough, when we’ve almost lost hope, he unexpectedly appeared at the doorstep of their place in Iligan. I will not dwell on the details of his abduction but up to now he has no idea who his abductors were as he was blindfolded the whole time. What he knows is that they were Visayan-speaking men. Alhamdulillah for the second chance at life given to my brother-in-law. I pray those men won’t bother him again.

DEFEAT

2017 was the best time for my clinical career to get back on track. I applied for residency training at the most prestigious Department of Internal Medicine at the Philippine General Hospital. Out of 100+ exam takers, I was one of the 48 passers who qualified for pre-residency. I was ecstatic when I passed the exam. Knowing how rusty my brain has become after almost 3 years of not practicing, it came as a surprise that some medical concepts were still retained in my memory. From the 48 pre-residents, only 36 of us made it at the end of the pre-res. The rest didn’t continue while some quit in the middle. From 36, only 21 qualified for residency training. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t make it. It kinda broke my heart a bit because I prepared and worked hard for it but somehow I was thankful because in the middle of pre-res I kept asking myself if I really want to pursue it there. For the entire 2 weeks, I barely see my kids and I lost track of the household that I manage. I left everything under the care of Jabar and the household help.

I wasn’t ready to give up my dream of becoming an internist yet. I looked for an open pre-res in other hospitals. I tried Manila Doctors Hospital. They allowed me to go on pre-res for a week along with 9 others but only 4 remaining slots were open. I gave my best shot for that week. I was very competitive, always ready for an answer, even the chief resident was rooting for me. I was kinda sure I will get in. For the second time, I was defeated. Apparently, the chairman was doubting my commitment because of Jabar’s nomadic nature of work. He was afraid I might quit in the middle of residency. I cried buckets. I felt like I lost all the chance of getting into residency. I’m getting old and the medical concepts I know are becoming obsolete by the day. I need to refresh my brain.

*********************************

2017 taught me that with every loss and defeat, there’s always a chance to rise above the challenges. Loss and defeat are both a state of the mind. Meranaos have lost Marawi but our consciousness will forever be connected to our beloved Ranao. Our Meranao-ness will never be lost. We and our children will still speak our language, we will still wear our malong, we will still cook and eat pindialokan a manok , and palapa will still be our staple spice wherever in this world we will be. This government may have succeeded in bombing our homes and driving us away, but Meranaos will thrive and we will even become better people, in shaa Allah. With our hands, blood and sweat, we will rebuild Marawi.

(Pause. I’m crying profusely now)

I may not have continued Internal Medicine and I may have felt defeated after two attempts at IM residency but I found my niche now with Family Medicine (FM). Alhamdulillah. Family Medicine is a highly clinical branch but offers a lot more benign schedule. Residency training in FM allows me to indulge in deep clinical learning and at the same time take care of my children and of the household. It allows me to take care of my own health and well-being. Alhamdulillah. Allah’s mercy is indeed never-ending. I do not regret those time I went into IM pre-residency because I met wonderful people and maybe that’s Allah’s way of not making me regret my decisions. He made me experience what it is to become an IM resident but did not bring me there because He knows it will not do me good.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. All Praise Is For the Lord of the Universe whose love and mercy is boundless.

I got your back.

I share the burden. 

I share the tears.

I cry with you. 

But, I'll carry on. 

Let's carry on.

We'll get through this. 

I'll remain to keep that little spark of positivity alive. 

I can see the light.

Believe.

Have faith.

Just please, don't let me drown with you. 

Words for 2016*

RE-SETTLEMENT

Jabar's posting ended last May which entails our return to our home country. As soon as the year kicked off, we planned out how we will survive the unfavorable living conditions in Manila. If I can only get my way, I prefer the provincial life than in this big, bustling metro where all fearsome stressors are thriving --- pollution, traffic jams everywhere, high cost of living --- name it, Manila has it. In this partnership called marriage, compromise is key. This means that as a wife and mother, I need to plan my own life and career around what my husband can provide for us. 

Going back to the Philippines is leaving my comfortable, dream-like life in Bangkok and waking up to reality. It is also a reminder for me to pick up where I left off my career. There was a strong surge of eagerness to return to medical practice. I imagine myself again in the emergency room checking on patients, extracting history and performing physical exams, correlating symptoms and lab results, tracing the pathophysiology of diseases, and writing on charts. My soul screamed for it---my eagerness to master the craft. 

My motherhood-dominated DNA faced many conflicts as I try to return to work. I cannot stand, for the time being, 24-hours duty. Therefore, hospital duties are temporarily off the list. I looked for a less-demanding and benign job near our place. I ended up in a pre-employment clinic that is 20-30 minutes (traffic time included) away from us. I tried to learn the ropes all over again and after several months, I did get by. 

Re-settlement for me was never a walk in the park. Things do change and by the time we returned, a lot of changes took place. Right now, I am in the process of gathering medical learnings as much as I could in preparation for residency training, in shaa Allah. The medical field has many areas to master --- public health, clinical, research and even corporate. At this point in my life, it is very clear to me which area I will pursue. 

TAWAKKUL

In the Arabic language, "tawakkul" is the word for the Islamic concept of reliance on God or "trusting in God's plan". I have many plans for 2016 that didn't push through because Allah has other plans for me. Case in point, baby # 2! As of writing time, I just breastfed and burped my two-week old little angel whom we named Amreen Nurlailah. Yes, Amina Mariam is now an older sister. :) I found out I was pregnant of her last April, as soon as arrived from Phuket. My reaction was a mixture of joy ---for Amina will have a baby sibling --- and frustration for my residency plans will be postponed. It took me a while to digest the fact that I will have to go through pregnancy and childbirth all over again which are exciting at the same time exhausting. 

We are not created to live a perfect life, God puts us in unfavorable circumstances for us to push our strengths and use our weaknesses to our advantage. That is why "tawakkul" is my creed for this year and for the rest of my life. I wholeheartedly accept wherever God places me, so long as I did my part. I know that Allah loves me and He will not forsake me. I have proven many times over that His plans are better than mine and I'm in a better place now because I allowed His Will to take over my life. 

*blogging from my phone, so forgive the raw-ness of this entry. Happy 2017! 🍸✨

Life has a distinct way of tossing at us incredible twists and turns that majorly disrupts our plans for the future. There are detours and setbacks which are, in retrospect, part of the Divine Plan arranged for us by The Great Force maneuvering our lives. We should always think of these segues as part of putting us on the right track. Other people would give an arm and a leg to catch what you were tossed with. 

This time, I shall put on hold worrying/thinking about the future. I shall enjoy all these beautiful surprises, which are not part of my plan, but definitely a plan of my Creator. For He is the Best of Planners, I could never be audacious to ever question His plans. And yes, life doesn't get as exciting as now.

I am but a grateful creature. 

Ad Interim

Jabar came home today carrying empty balikbayan boxes. Balikbayan literally means repatriate and these huge boxes are privileged duty and tax free when sent to the Philippines by OFWs. The sight of these boxes signals that we are about to leave soon. That would be less than two months from now. I will have to say goodbye to my comfortable Bangkok life and say hello to chaotic Manila and God-knows what's in store for me there. I feel nostalgic about this city as early as now. Thinking about it, this is nothing new to me. I have been a nomad since I started medical school in Iligan City. I haven't stayed in one place for at least 5 years straight since then. I have lived in Iligan, Manila, Cotabato, and then back to Marawi for less than two years before I moved here in Bangkok. It's always a cycle of heartbreak from leaving the customary life I got used to (including saying goodbye to the people I got fond of) and then eventually settling into an unfamiliar environment. I never liked goodbyes. But this nomadic life teaches me a thing or two.

A Temporary World 

Collecting things was a fad in my teenage years. I had friends who had likings for cute mugs, stuffed toys, note pads, note books, colognes or anything so long as we had a "collection" to call in order to fit into the circle. I collected colognes in high school and then started my book collection in college. I buy them from my school allowance so that means skipping a meal a day. Some of those in my circle elevated their collections into bags, shoes, make-ups and perfumes. Seeing my properly arranged cologne collections back then and my perfectly stacked books on top of my tiny cabinet brought so much satisfaction. Until I started moving from one place to another. Naturally, I only take with me my basic needs leaving everything behind back home. While I am away, some of my siblings like to take over my room and rearrange my stuff to accommodate theirs. Through the years, some of my "prized possessions" got lost (except the books which I usually leave inside my father's library so nobody touches them) and eventually realized that collecting unnecessary things only add up to the mess. I cannot take them wherever I go anyway. Hence, moving from place to another made me let go of "collecting" material things.

"Know that the life of this world is only play, and idle talk, and pageantry, and boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children; as the likeness of vegetation after the rain, whereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller, but afterward it drieth up and thou seest it turning yellow, then becometh straw. And in the Hereafter there is grievour punishment, and (also) forgiveness from Allah and His good pleasure, whereas the life of the world is but matter of illusion." Holy Qur'an (57:20)

Islam strongly emphasizes that we, earthlings, are but travelers on this world. Someday, we will perish taking with us into our graves nothing but what our souls have acquired. We are always reminded how temporary this world is. This lessens my hold on material things by discriminating what I really need from what I only want (thus more savings for the husband? lol).

Change Is Constant

I should have known this gazillion years ago but I admit to have oftentimes fear change. I think I am the least person adaptable to change. I need plenty of time to acclimatize before situations finally sink in to my being. But I cannot stop it from happening. The universe is in constant motion of changes so does our nomadic life and I must accept that fact. Jabar usually finds me looking at old photos and tracking down physical changes or reminiscing the past. It's not a healthy habit, he told me. Frequently looking back on the past hinders you to enjoy your present, he reminds me. There, hard truth shoved right on my face. I guess I need to delete my timehop app.

"[...]but it may happen that you hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that you love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, you know not." Holy Qur'an (2:216)

Allah Is The Best Planner

Hardly a day goes by without me thinking of what tomorrow would bring. If a telescope is drilled inside my head, you will see my mind thinking like a domino. Rarely do I not ponder on the consequences of every action or circumstance. So I always have a plan at hand, always an A and a B. The bad thing though is, I am not a flexible person. I get frustrated once my plans didn't push through. I would like to be spontaneous but I have difficulty getting it into my system. One thing that I keep forgetting is the presence of a Great Force that arranges the sequence of my life in a suitable manner.

"[...]they plan, but Allah also plans; and Allah is the Best of Planners."  Holy Qur'an (8:30) 

Allah has proven to me many times over how a failed plan lead to a more productive alternative. Never did living abroad passed through my mind, but marrying someone in the Foreign Service is a consequence of my choice. When Jabar accepted the posting in Nigeria (he was an adventurous single guy then), he was assured of crossposting to Pakistan after two years. His travel order was already made but circumstances further delayed his crossposting. We almost lost hope and I already settled my mind of a life in Africa. Nothing's bad about that, Abuja is a great place for expats. But when he caught malaria for the fourth time, it pushed him to write a letter to their home office to recall him if crossposting will not take place. He was then crossposted to Bangkok few months before I end my DTTB stint. Subhanallah. Indeed, Allah knows what's best for us.


Hellos and goodbyes should have been incorporated in me by now. This is the life that we will live for as long as Jabar stays in the Foreign Service. We will have to raise multilingual third culture kids who will struggle with fitting their identity into their community. Alright, that's me thinking twenty years ahead to the future. What I mean is, I should get used to this.

Words for 2015

Last year, I started what I want to be a tradition on this blog about picking two words that closely defined my year. I got this idea from Rica and I wish to make it as a tool to help me ponder on the year that had passed. Being a full time wife and mother who lives a routinary life away from home, my words for 2015 are not difficult to guess. 

MOTHERHOOD 

This is a no brainer. I spent more than half of 2015 carrying my precious little one inside my womb. With the help Allah, the Most Merciful, it was an easy pregnancy and an uncomplicated delivery. In the first eight months of the year, I reflected on how my own mother carried and raised us especially when she was pregnant with my triplet siblings. So it is true, you appreciate your mother more when you become a mother yourself. With every ache of my back, every sleepless night, the numbing of my hands, the heaviness of my tummy, I think about Mama who suffered more than I do for sure. In those days, I never failed to thank her and make her feel appreciated whenever we have a chance to chat on Facetime. Mama and I never see each other eye-to-eye in my growing up years. Yes I was always the acquiescent daughter but I harbored grievances that she never knew of. It was her personality clashing against mine adding up to generation gap, something that we failed to understand from each other. I prominently came to understand where Mama was coming from after I gave birth. She was, and still is, a working mom. Digging into the past, Mama used to rise up as early as 3:00 am to do the laundry (she was using cloth diapers then for my triplet siblings!), prepare my brother Jalal and I for school, and making sure that we don't skip breakfast. By 6:30 in the morning, she's set for office and us for school. And oh, she also breastfed us until at least we're 6 months of age! On weekends, she never failed (until now) to pay her social obligations by attending weddings, engagement parties, wakes, or simple family gatherings. This year made me conclude that my own mother is a Superwoman who I can never measure up to even half of her!

                                      

Motherhood is the best thing that happened to me and I won't get tired of saying it over and over again. It tested my patience and temperament this early including my workmanship in a team called marriage. It made me laugh, excited, worry and cry all at the same time. My daughter has opened my eyes into a whole new perspective about existence. Her presence in my life lead me to identifying the most important things that I need to focus on.  

DECLUTTER

Along with the immense joy that motherhood has brought me is my quest to live a positive and happier life. This means letting go of both material and intangible things that's been cluttering my mind, my personal space and my life. We hold on to material things because we hang on to the memories they bring, that is mainly why we collect stuff. Many years ago, I started collecting journals, photos and souvenirs. I don't easily let go of my old notebooks and even old clothes until I noticed how much space they're taking up in my room. Before 2015 ended, when we came back home for a short vacation, I started to sort the things that I don't really need and gave them away. I already said goodbye to some of my journals by burning them down in 2014 before I flew to Bangkok to join my husband. Memories are important but they are more meaningful if we hold them in our minds and hearts. 

                                

This year, I also let go of some relationships that only bring hurt. It is better to burn bridges before the fire reaches you. I let go of the people who devalues me and my dreams and those who disrespects me. I learn to say no to those who are emotionally blackmailing me and finally standing strong for myself. In that way, I began to see the real people who loves me and shares with my happiness. I began to appreciate, give love back, and deal with relationships in a more mature way. Life is too short to be focusing our energy to people who only bring negative vibes in our lives. 

I am so thrilled for 2016 to unfold! I know a lot of exciting things are awaiting ahead, in shaa Allah, as I watch my daughter going through exhilarating developmental milestones that bring warmth to me and my husband. I pray for a lot of things including continuous good health, protection, more acts of worship for Allah, and a love-filled hearts for my family and friends. 

May Allah bless us all, happy 2016! :) 

Humblebragging really gets my goad. I can smell genuine gratitude apart from plain and outright showing off. I am not perfect either so if you feel like I'm being one, please feel free to tap me in the head just to remind me. 

Thank you.

How To NOT Give Birth Inside A Taxi

I have heard and written down hundreds of labor stories from pregnant women rushing to the hospital for delivery and witnessed strenuous labors to easy breezy ones. I wondered which among those stories I jotted down would eventually happen to me. Being someone who only had a toothache to consider as a severe form of physical pain, I can only imagine how labor pain would be like. Some of those I interviewed back in my hospital days said it started as a menstrual cramp-like pain on the hypogastric area that creeps to the upper abdomen, others describe it as a low back pain radiating to the hypogastric area. I carefully watched out for those signs including a possible leaking of the bag of water (amniotic fluid) or a bloody show. Unfortunately, I forgot that not everything happens according to what is exactly written on the OB-GYN book. 

My last prenatal exam on my 38th week showed a tightly closed cervix. With the absence of other possible labor signs, I let my 39th week prenatal exam pass predicting that my baby would reach up to 40 weeks since it's my first pregnancy. Now I learned not to miss any single prenatal exam in my future pregnancies. Hahaha! 

Jabar and I went to bed at around 11:00 pm on Thursday, August 20, my 39th week and four days of pregnancy, when I felt a faint and irregular menstrual cramp-like pain on my lower abdomen. I already knew it could be the beginning of labor pain but since I'm a primigravida (first pregnancy), I calculated the time my cervix would thin out and fully dilated to reach 8 hours or more. Although I didn't get to sleep through the night, the pain was still tolerable. I imagine labor pain to be crazy and intolerable. I told my husband about it at around 5:00 am when he woke up for fajr. According to my calculation (hahaha!), we'd go to the hospital at around 8:00 am so he could still go to the office to ask for a leave. When everyone at home (yes! my parents, mom-in-law, and sis-in-law were here!) woke up at around 5:30 am, I coolly announced my abdominal pain. My mom and mom-in-law panicked! I laughed and told them to calm down because it is still tolerable. Perhaps, I will give birth in the afternoon or tonight, I told them. Had I only known what would happen later, I would have rushed to the hospital right away. Ugh. Anyway, my mom grabbed the herbs she brought all the way from Marawi (they stayed fresh because she replanted them as soon as they arrived here in Bangkok) and made a liquid concoction out of it. She called those herbs as "Meranao inducers". Haha! I never thought my mom pala has panday (local midwife) skills. Thinking perhaps it wouldn't hurt to follow my mom, I drank the minty-tasted herbal concoction in one gulp. At around 6:00 am, I asked my husband to accompany me to the 34th floor, the garden floor, so I can walk around. When we arrived there, it didn't take 10 minutes when I felt the pain intensified and the contraction became regular. I told my husband that we need to go to the hospital ASAP. It took me 30 minutes to take a bath and prettify myself because my concern was to look pretty on my first photo with my baby! Hahaha! Ayun tuloy.

The view from the 34th floor, the garden floor, of the building where we live. Imagine nakuha ko pang kumuha ng litrato habang nagcocontract ang tiyan ko? Hehe. 

We were in the taxi at around 7:00 am with my father accompanying us to the hospital. Since Jabar and I are not usually affected by rush hours, it completely slipped our minds that traffic is heavily built in Bangkok at this hour! Without the traffic, Bumrungrad Hospital is less than ten minutes away from where we live via taxi if it goes straight ahead of Sukhumvit road, which is the shortest route. I have no idea what went inside the taxi driver's mind who swerved right to the wider but more congested Asok road instead of driving straight ahead! He was trying to explain to my husband in broken English that he was expecting a less congested road since it is wider, but he was so wrong!

When we were not moving for more than 30 minutes, I started fidgeting in pain inside the taxi! I feel like the pain intensifies every time I see the red traffic lights, the buses on our both sides, and still we're not moving an inch! I was imagining myself walking along the hospital hallways or squatting inside the labor room while my husband massages my lower back to relieve the pain but with this traffic, it is far away from happening! I started to whimper while my dad beside me tried to console me by reminding me to recite La ilaaha ilallah Muhammad ar rasuulullah  (there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His messenger). I tried to remember the techniques in managing labor pains taught in the antenatal class but none of those can be performed conveniently at the back of a taxi stuck in a freaking traffic. I remember one position that I can do, I started placing both of my knees and my hands up on the seat while my father hugs me on my shoulder so I won't slide down when the taxi moves.  

An hour passed and we were still stuck in the carmageddon and I was still on all fours screaming in pain!!! The only possible way we can get to the hospital faster were 1.) we take the famous Bangkok motorcycles, or 2.) we go against the traffic!! The two gentlemen with me asked if I can climb at the back of the motorcycle and I answered with a roaring NO!! So they resorted to the latter option and the next thing I knew, they were both screaming at the driver to go against the traffic and explain later to traffic enforcers that it is an urgent matter that they would surely understand. It took them another thirty minutes arguing since Mr. Goody-Goody Driver did not want to be caught violating traffic rules. I wanted to join yelling at the driver, no, I wanted to curse him so bad and blame him for changing route when we should be in the hospital by now but karma managed to insert in my thoughts thinking I might have difficulty delivering my baby if I hurt this poor taxi driver. The pressure he's getting from my father and my husband is more than enough. In retrospect, I admired him for showing such discipline in adhering to the law. He instead called what we guessed the traffic control center which alerted a certain radio station and all the traffic enforcers in the Asok area to allow our taxi to pass amidst the heavy traffic. The next thing I knew while I was on fours was we were speeding our way to the hospital as if all cars on the road disappeared! I lifted my head to see all the cars making way for us while traffic enforcers waving red flags directing the way to the hospital. We just made a scene amidst the heavy Bangkok traffic!! When we arrived at Bumrungrad, emergency personnel were already waiting for us immediately laid me on a gurney all the way to the delivery room. At that point, I had no idea where my father and husband were. All I wanted was to bear down to relieve the pain.

At the delivery room, the nurse did an internal exam and she said my cervix was already fully dilated. No wonder I started pushing the baby out but they were stopping me because my OB was not yet around! No one's gonna catch my baby if I continue to bear down. The nurses let me lie on my side and a few minutes later, a resident physician arrived apologizing in behalf of my OB because she was also stuck in the traffic on her way to the hospital! UGH, Bangkok traffic!!! The resident physician then placed my legs on lithotomy position and gave me the go signal to start bearing down. I then heard my husband beside me instructing me to breathe the way we practiced it at home. As I closed my eyes, all the voices surrounding me seemed to fade. I only listened to my body as it tells me to push longer every time I feel the urge. I rest in between and then push again. On my third push, I heard my baby crying as the pediatrician was wiping a dry cloth on her. When she was placed on my chest, all the pain I felt few minutes ago went away. At 9:06 am, August 21, on a Friday, a healthy baby girl just made her way to the world. :)

So the answer to the question imposed on the title of this entry is: when you're expecting, please rush to the hospital as soon as you feel abdominal pain whether it is tolerable or not, and, never ever miss any appointment with your OB especially on the last trimester.

At the delivery room an hour after I gave birth. 

Sharing here with you our first family photo on the delivery bed while the resident physician is doing an episiorrhaphy on me. Haha! Except for my edematous face and a rubbed down lipstick, my wish to look quite good on our first family photo was granted. Kaya kami natagalan umalis ng bahay dahil sa pagpapaganda e. Ayan. Hahaha! Oh well.      

                           

Alhamdulillah, all praises belong to Allah. It was a relatively easy delivery except for the inconvenient laboring inside a taxi. Now I realize how high my threshold of tolerance for pain is. I was still smiling and laughing when we were leaving home. It was the traffic that really stressed me out leading to a fast dilatation of my cervix. Or perhaps, the herbal concoction that my mom made me drink? I don't know. When Allah decrees something, no one can stop it from happening. I can only be grateful that I didn't give birth inside the taxi, otherwise, I don't know what would happen to my father and to my husband! Hahahaha!  

Colors of the World

Seeing some friends and celebrities on Instagram (wish I could say "celebrity friends", haha!) get into adult coloring books as a relaxing hobby brought me back to my kindergarten and gradeschool years when my Mom used to scold me for creating a "bad artwork". I suck at every art class I know. I don't follow the "one-direction stroke" policy in coloring, plus, I was bad at drawing. Unfortunately I didn't know that abstract form of arts do exist so I can use it as a valid excuse. Hehe. I see this now as the reason why I appreciate artists and their works since I am incapable of creating such. I have to admit, I wasn't endowed with that gift.  

A week ago, my OB advised me not to walk around too much since the baby's head has already entered my pelvis (we call it engagement in medical parlance), I did a self-imposed bed rest while also waiting for my parents' arrival. I want them to be here beside me when I give birth. So I thought, aside from reading and watching TV, I can also make use of my time by returning to an unfulfilled childhood accomplishment in the coloring department! Time to redeem myself from the judgment of my own mother! Hah!                          

                           

I went to Siam Paragon and to Emporium to look for a coloring book but to no avail. Thank God for Kinokuniya, they have all kinds of coloring books for adult that came with a morale booster! I picked the Creative Coloring Flowers by Valentina Harpers as flowers seem more relaxing than abstract drawings. 

My first work using colored pencils.

While executing the strokes and making sure that I don't go beyond the lines, I had several stuff play inside my head: 

1.) Those tiny details contribute to the beauty of the whole picture. We always say that little things in life matter, I can't agree more. We always aspire for a better life when we have everything that we want and need staring right at us, we just don't take notice and let them slip by. I am at a point in my life when a single message from any of my siblings and a Facetime conference with my parents are priceless. Then I remember all those mundane things we do at home, those tiny squabbles with my brothers, all those things I used to shrug about defined the kind of family I have. While living here in Bangkok, I want to keep vividly in my mind all the moments I wait for my husband to come home, our daily cooking and coffee bonding sessions, the walk in the park or in the mall..every little thing..because these seemingly mundane daily routine contribute to the beauty of the bigger story. 

2.) With persistence and hardwork, you will come a long way. I have been suffering from pregnancy-related carpal tunnel syndrome for more than a month now, but the numbness of my fingers and the pain on my wrist didn't stop me from pushing the strokes! Haha! Effort much, eh?  

3.) I thought, at my age, coloring would be an easy job. Contrary to it's "relaxing" slogan, selecting colors that blend perfectly with each other and those that in synch with nature would come as a pain in my head. No wonder most artists stereotypically look unkempt. Haha! 

4.) Never underestimate the capacity of anything/anyone. Subdued colors may just perfectly blend into the loud ones, sometimes they are even more noticeable. So stay humble and never look down or step on anyone because you think you are better. Bilog ang mundo, you know. 

"Friends are flowers in the garden of life." SUBSTANTIAL friends, that is. 

I am currently on my fifth coloring artwork. It's fun while I am waiting for the little one's arrival, I am not sure if I can squeeze this in between breastfeeding, changing diapers, cooking and tidying the house. Haha! Good luck to me, then. :) 

#lifelessons

Maturity as defined in psychology is "the ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner", it does not come with age; nevertheless, people are expected to behave in a certain way appropriate to their age. Maturity is generally learned rather than instinctive, it develops depending on the different circumstances people are exposed to, or depending on the model they look up to. Apart from actual life occurrences, we acquire maturity based on the examples led by people before us or from the characters of movies or TV shows we've seen, or from the books we read. The word maturity entails change which means that as we go through the various phases of life, we ascend to a certain level of maturity that allows us to change our attitude, response and behavior in a better way. Most often than not, these changes also include our relationship with the people around us. During that difficult phase in my life, I learned plenty of things about myself, accepted my mistakes, and vowed to turn over a new leaf which ultimately resulted to a better relationship with my family and my husband. Through these years, I am continuously learning from all the circumstances I am put through. Let me just give you a quick rundown on my #lifelessons:

a. Some so-called "friends" can easily turn away from you

     Friends are our family outside our home, while we can classify them from being an "acquaintance" to "close" to "best" friends depending on the level of knowing each other through and through to the level of outpouring of emotions to one another. In my 29-years, I have gained a lot of friends from all walks of life and I adore most of the friends I have. The last time I was into a major squabble was in grade-school, and if my memory serves me right, I was not the one who started such. My bestfriend and I often refer to ourselves as the "bullied ones", never the bullies. We would usually sulk in silence in one corner until the other party agrees to befriend us again. Oh, those days. I don't have any recollection of anybody who complained about my attitude towards them, including those I befriended in the workplace. I always keep my relationship in constant check as I try to avoid any trouble with anyone. Hence recently, I was taken aback when a so-called friend, without even speaking to me, threw nasty tweets apparently directed at me, accusing me of trash-talking her. She even has more horrendous accusations questioning my personality that I never thought would come out of her mind. I never expected her to think of me that way considering how much I adore her as an academically intelligent and a generally nice person. I never thought she had all those accumulated judgment about me all throughout the years that we're "friends". The saddest part is that she never talked to me or confronted me to clarify the things that caused her anger towards me, I am left without defense. I realized later on through her actions (not replying to my social media messages and eventually totally blocking me out) that her anger, was indeed, towards me. I was initially fumed but thinking it through, I decided to keep my silence all along. Perhaps, we haven't invested that much into our relationship as "friends" that it was easy for her to turn her back on me. Perhaps, we were just an "acquaintance" all along. It's sad but I guess, that's just how some people are. 

b. Think before you click    

    Social media has given us too much power to express our thoughts, it provides an opportunity to showcase our skills and talents, and for some, show off material possessions. Much has been said about the effects of social media on people and their relationships. I have always been critical of my posts that I sift through my mind before clicking because I am well aware that anything I post is a reflection of my personality. I openly post my opinions about social events, politics, my work, and my fascinations. Little did I know that one vague post directed at show-off corrupt politicians would trigger an anger from the abovementioned friend. I didn't think it would hit her, she was far off my mind when I posted that, it was a general statement not directed to anyone but to "show-off corrupt politicians". As they say, one can only react when one's guilty, therefore I don't hold myself responsible for her reaction. But it cast a huge lesson for me, that is to think DEEPER before clicking. I thought I was a responsible enough social media user, apparently not. Perhaps, some of my friends and I have grown differing in political and social opinions that it brought us to a brink of ruining a friendship. I learned now that MOST THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID.      

c. Dismiss the hate whisperers

 
     We cannot please everybody, somebody will always have something to say with whatever we do or we don't do. Our intentions will be taunted, hurtful and baseless accusations will be thrown at us but I learned to just IGNORE them. For as long as I know my truth, my loved ones and my God know me better than anyone. Besides, we are not supposed to be defined by other people's opinion of us. Them hate whisperers can sit and talk about you all day long because perhaps, they have nothing better to do with their lives, just ignore what they will have to say. If you join their mudslinging and nitpicking then you have just removed the barrier that differs you from them. There is bliss in ignorance. *winks*      

d. Attitude of forgiveness

    There are two sides of forgiveness: seeking it and granting it. When you think you're innocent, you don't see the importance of seeking forgiveness; and when you're badly hurt, forgiveness is beyond you. Islam has strongly emphasized the significance of seeking for forgiveness from God because sometimes, we are oblivious to the tiny sinful acts or thoughts. Islam also urges us to seek and grant forgiveness easily to those who has oppressed or hurt us. However, when pride and ego (or shaytaan) gets in the way, it is the MOST DIFFICULT THING TO DO. I was recently reading Nick Vujicic's Life Without Limits  and he said something about forgiveness:

"An attitude of forgiveness set me free. You see, when you hold on to old hurts, you only give power and control to those who hurt you, but when you forgive them, you cut the ties with them. They can no longer yank on your chain. Don't get hung up on thinking that by forgiving you are doing them a favor; if nothing else, DO IT FOR YOURSELF."

   If I dwell on my friend's harsh judgments about me and I allow my pride to get into the way, then it would be probably hard for me to forgive her. I looked at the situation in a selfless manner, I set my pride aside, forgot what she said (all lies anyway), and gathered my courage to seek for her forgiveness. Besides, it was my post that started the brawl so I might as well end it. I sent her a message (as you know, I am one country away) apologizing for whatever I said that might have hurt her, no mudslinging no nitpicking, in a sheer hope that our friendship might be saved. Much to my fear of being ignored, I was seenzoned (hahahaha!). It's alright, by sincerely forgiving her and asking for her forgiveness, I set myself free. 

   
e. Learn to let go and move on

    The only thing constant in life, as they say, is change. People come and go, situations happen, but it will all pass. Cherish your friends, old and new, and make it a goal to create more meaningful relationships. Let go of those who are hurting you because there's no reason for you to nurse a heartache you don't deserve. Constantly hold on to your faith and never forget to pay your gratitude, things do happen for a reason and be thankful that God spared you for whatever further trouble there might have been. There is always a brighter future ahead for each and everyone of us, as long as we leave our old and dirty baggage behind, then there is no way for us but to proceed to the more beautiful things there is in life. :)

I want to end this post with some of the favorite wise words I read (mostly from the social media, or I heard quoted by someone else) which helped me deal with the nasty judgments:

"If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself; if it be a lie, laugh at it." -                                                             Epictetus

"When men speak ill of you, so live that nobody will believe them." -Plato

"I am thankful for the difficult people in my life. They have shown me exactly who I don't want to be." -Albert Einstein  

Words for 2014

Hello 2015!!!

This entry should have been written before 2014 ends but I procrastinated (yet again!!!!) on it that it has been sitting on my drafts for two weeks now. Haha! This is about reflecting on the year that went by. An entry on Rica's blog inspired me to do the same exercise. I contemplated on what transpired during the 365 days of the year 2014 and brought me to these two words: PATIENCE and GRATITUDE, which have been my daily mantra for almost everyday. 

PATIENCE 

People who are close to me knows how impatient I can get. Perhaps, it is something about physicians that we want things done ASAP at the exact right time, or else our patient's life is at stake. We cannot tolerate tardiness and any form of sluggishness. It manifests in the way we walk (we almost fly!), the way we speak (straight to the point, no flowery introductions), and in the way we deal with people. The biggest test of my patience this year was handling my RHU staff (haha! they might be reading this! I still love you girls!!), the nurses and the midwife who are almost always late when we go on duty to Tubaran. Tubaran is roughly around three (3) hours away from Marawi City without a regular transpo vehicle going there. A day before we go to the area (during Mondays), we already contact our suki vehicle owner to give us a ride. I instruct the staff that we meet as early as 6:00 AM (because I know they will arrive at around 7:00 AM anyway, Filipino time y'know) to gather the vaccines and everything we need for the week in Tubaran, and guess what? They usually arrive at around 8:00 AM or even later than that!!!!! And they make me wait almost always all the time!!! They make their BOSS wait!! (hahaha!) My friends, that happens almost EVERY WEEK of my entire tour of duty in Tubaran. What always irked me the most are those who would SMS me on the last minute that they will not come on duty due to selfish reasons they think are valid which renders them absent for the entire week. OMG. Staff problems. They really, really, really tested my patience. Nevertheless, I tried to be patient with them, I never shouted at anyone, I tried to make them understand the nature of our work and that we are not being punished by being assigned in a municipality forgotten by civilization but it is US who CHOSE to be DTTB and NDPs, and that we have no right to complain nor give our RHU clients lesser than our best.

Patience is a virtue that I have cultivated during my DTTB days~~patience with the staff, patience with the bumpy road, patience with some abusive drivers who think that they are gods because our life depends on them, patience with the kind of governance that we have, and patience with some impatient clients in the RHU who wants to be seen first without lining on the queue. My exercise on having a positive attitude helped me in a lot of ways to acquire patience in my daily life. Whenever I got stuck in a traffic in Marawi (traffic caused by irresponsible motor drivers and equally impatient vehicle drivers), I appease myself by thinking that it's ok, that there might be a few traffic knots somewhere but it will be over soon, that I need not complain about it. That eases my hot-headedness and impatience. Haha! Law of attraction, that is. 

GRATITUDE 

I mentioned in my previous posts about me practicing the gratitude attitude. It is the gist of the book The Secret that I told you about, and it is the biggest lesson that I carried on for the entire year of 2014. One of the exercise in the book is holding a pebble in your hand every night before going to bed, close your eyes and think about what you are grateful for for that day. Instead of holding a pebble, I did express my gratitude every salah, that's five times everyday. That also made me realize that as Muslims, we are encouraged to pray 5 times a day not only to ask God a favor but to count our blessings and express our gratitude to The One who provided us with everything in our lives. Alhamdulillah. When you have that gratitude attitude, it would be very easy to turn a negative occurrence into a positive one. That is by looking on the other side of the situation and thanking God that the worse did not happen. 

There were numerous instances during my DTTB days that I have escaped death. One afternoon when my staff and I were going home from Tubaran to Marawi, the FX we were riding was running at a moderate speed when we felt something underneath us went missing. The driver slowly went to a halt, we came out of the vehicle only to find one of our rear wheel was  missing!! Apparently, the axle (the Meranao driver said that the "aksol" went off so I am assuming that he meant the axle. Haha!) went off that's why our rear wheel flew almost 10 feet away!! Thank God it happened in Bacolod Kalawi where there were many houses and a vulcanizing shop nearby so it was easy for us to get some help. A former Vice Mayor in the municipality also passed by at us on his way to the nearby masjid (it was already 6:00PM maghrib time) and went out of his way to help us. He called the experts on car mechanics and after an hour, our wheel got back on its place and off we went. The people who helped us never asked for any monetary compensation whatsoever, a simple and genuine "Salamat ow"  was already enough. Alhamdulillah there were still people like them who are always ready to render a generous service without expecting anything in return. I have not lost hope in humanity after all. :)  I will always think of that experience with a full gratitude in my heart. We arrived in Marawi very late in the evening already, but come to think of it, we could have NOT arrived at all! Apparently, most fatal vehicular crashes are due to broken axles just like what happened to that vehicle we were riding. It could have happened in the darkest areas in Madamba or Madalum where seeking help would be an utmost difficulty. Subhanallah. Things could have been worse. There are plenty of things that I am grateful for, and when I think about those things, everything that I don't have disappears from my mind. That's the power of gratitude. 

Patience and gratitude are the two virtues that I will live through my entire life, in shaa Allah, because I have felt its impact on me and the people surrounding me noticed it too. I am less grumpy now. Occasional na lang. Haha!  

You, what are your words for 2014?

Quarter-Life Crisis

If you happened to read my previous post about The Secret, it has something to do with me undergoing "quarter-life crisis" pala. I just learned about it when I was reading an article and came across with the word. It summarized everything that I was feeling, I was going through a phase pala that I didn't recognize. What I knew was that I felt a lot of resentment about everything. It happened right after I was deployed in Maguindanao for my DTTB stint and eventually got married. Everything seemed to happen swiftly that I lost track to cope. I thought everything was perfect for me--- I had my license as a physician and earned respect from society, I have a fulfilling job, I married the kind of person I was praying for--- but I was feeling doomed. I dealt with a lot of emotional pains caused by too many factors and here, let me count the ways: 

1.) The hassles of being a Doctor to The Barrio
   
      Being pulled out from one province to another due to a rift with the local chief executive, going to the mountainous terrains, walking under the sun to reach barangays located in what seems to be the endmost part of the world, dealing with hard-headed and delinquent staff, seeing the miserable condition of the people in a municipality forgotten by civilization; and at the same time, witnessing the fabulous and glamorous lifestyle of the handful of people who are supposed to make life easy for those in the far-flung mountains. I was witnessing the irony in my own society. I was disillusioned. I cannot believe how money and power can rip off some people's conscience, rendering oppression to those in the lower strata and how the latter can all be purely innocent of the injustice lashed at them. For two years during my whole DTTB stint, I was in complete desolation. Yes, I have survived DTTB, I am in a good state now, but the people in the municipality I had left are still eating out from one powerful man's hand, struggling through their daily survival, waiting for a miracle to happen.

   For two years, I have witnessed how corruption from the lowermost level occurs and how the people from the grassroots suffer the consequence and worse, how they tolerate the powerful ones as if stealing the money rightfully owned by the mass is a normal thing to do. And the worst feeling is knowing that you are not, by any means, capable of doing something about it. I came to a point of wishing DTTB would end soon so I can get out of the loop to stop witnessing everything. 

2.) Long distance relationship

      Before my husband and I got married, he already talked me out of the DTTB stint and offered to pay back my scholarship so I can join him in his post in Nigeria. I vehemently refused because I was really looking forward to DTTB and I know I will regret it if I wouldn't join the program. I have already accepted our LDR set-up thinking that I have never been emotionally dependent to one person so it wouldn't be a problem. One month after we got married, he left for Africa and we were both back to our pre-marriage routine. Much to my huge surprise, I had a severe separation anxiety that I had occasional outbursts of crying!! Adjusting with the contrasts in our personality with a seven-hour time difference, it was one hell of a crazy LDR. Thanks to technology, but it wasn't enough to make up for the physical absence. Facetime or viber cannot detect the real mood or environment we were in so there were plenty of times when I would burst into outrage and he had no idea why, and then later on he would find himself profusely apologizing for something he did not understand. I was just PMS-ing lang pala. Hahaha! Thank God, he was/is very patient with me. Oh well, he now has a broad understanding of women and he had my mood swings to thank for. Haha!

3.) Pressure from attending to social obligations

      I was never a social butterfly as opposed to my own mother. Being labeled as "the physician daughter of *insert my mother's name here*" and immensely after I got married, I forced myself to pretend to be the social butterfly that I am expected to be and forced my brain to memorize family genealogy. It is quite difficult to be in the Meranao society, I tell you. You are forced to be who you are NOT because of  certain expectations coming from certain labels, and if you fail to live to that expectation then expect murmurs about you behind your back. Guess I will have to live with those murmurs and just shrug my shoulders as I live my life because honestly, I cannot live to pretend. 

4.) Pressure from the masteral classes

       The biggest perk (the ONLY perk actually) of being in the Doctors to the Barrios Program is being enrolled for free in a masteral classes in the prestigious Development Academy of the Philippines. The classes, which we call the Continuing Medical Education or CME, are conducted every six months for two whole weeks in the DAP Convention Center in Tagaytay City. CMEs are always being looked forward to as a breather and a refresher, it is what every DTTB loves. Upon returning to area, we were bombarded with assignments and action plan and projects (APPs) that needed beating a deadline. With the fluctuating internet connection in our place and with the impending works in the rural health unit, it was hard juggling my role as a student, head of unit and subordinate all at the same time. 

5.) The chaotic world

        Everywhere I looked at was chaotic--the core of the society I live in, my country, the whole world is in the verge of war. Natural catastrophes ground us to rubble because of man's own doings. My eyes opened up to the real world and how miserable it is. Negativity started to sunk into my being, it was eating me from within and my whole perspective about this world started to change. I was letting the happy girl in me slip into a hopeless being. Everything, including my own room, was in chaos.


It never occurred to me that the transition from my extended adolescence to adulthood would be a formidable one. I realized that I actually underwent a life-changing phase when I already emerged out of it. Haha! Yeah, it was quite late but I'm just glad that I managed to get through everything unscathed. I am grateful I'm surrounded by the positively-energized people who peppered me with relevant advice and it also helped that I read self-help books. I read all the three books of Rhonda Byrne: The Secret, The Power and The Magic, I read the entire Qur'an (the English translation) for the first time and tried to understand it by consulting some verses with my father who has better understanding of the Holy Book and of Islam and I listened to lectures of Islamic scholars particularly Mufti Menk and Yasmin Mogahed. Perhaps when you're conscious that something is going wrong in your life, it is a reflex that you try to bind yourself together by looking within you the purpose of your very existence. I clung to my faith and by counting my blessings, all the chaos and negativities hovering above me gradually disappeared. The greatest thing that happened to me while I was in crisis was accepting that what is happening in our lives is way beyond our control, that we can only do so much, and recognizing the power of The One Above who is The Best Planner, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful. I believe I understood more things now about my faith than I do before, and there are still a good measure that I am yet to learn and understand.

I am grateful to three people who got my back while I was in crisis, the three people who made me see how blessed I am and who returned my positive outlook in life, they are the ones who I constantly talk to about my problems, who had awkwardly seen me crying, and despite my tantrums and everything, they still loved me unconditionally: my father, my husband and my brother J. I love you three!!