The Complainant

This is perhaps normal for people who extended their adolescent stage and woke up one day, forced to act like an adult, and thrown into the world of the unknown. It wasn't normal for me to complain for the things happening in my everyday life, I grew up to accept all the tiny bits thrown my way. And then all of a sudden, boom! the opacity of life disappeared and I got to see through it and saw the crippled form in everything. Here are the list of things I complain about almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

1. My brothers' messy stuff thrown all over the house.

I hate it when upon arriving at home, they'd leave their bags at the sala, used (and smelly) socks on the floor, and leaving their shoes wherever they feel like taking it off. Why the hell can't they just bring their stuff inside their rooms because I seriously do not care if their rooms looks like a storm had came to pass. Just please spare the sala. 

2. The unruly pedicab drivers in Marawi City.

Oh, Marawi City. I love my homeland, no doubt, that's why I struggled and did my best to get pulled out from Maguindanao and transfer my area of assignment here in Lanao del Sur to be able to enjoy the cool weather and the company of my family. BUT, everyday I am bombarded with unpleasant sights and experiences making Marawi a loathsome place to live in. For one, the unruly, choosy and abusive pedicab drivers. Our main means of public transpo here are pedicabs and jeepneys. They know nothing of road rules and etiquette. Oh, almost everybody here including jeepney drivers and even owners of private cars. Pedicabs are like parasites that infested the entire city (the cityhood of this place must be revoked) and even creeping into my beloved MSU. There are NO traffic lights and NO policemen to regulate the flow of the traffic. Sometimes, you can see policemen standing under the shade, watching the cars go by or try to regulate the traffic by waving their uncoordinated hands causing more knotting of the traffic. 

3. No proper disposal and collecting of garbage in Marawi City.

 Wherever you go, it is impossible not to notice mountain of stinky garbage and even spewed on the roads catching attention. I sometimes wonder where are the people that we have voted for public office. Where are those who promised to give their public service? Why are they not doing something about this? And why are the people so irresponsible to be just throwing their wastes wherever they want to? No shame, at all?  

In my own home, my father taught us since we were kids to separate our trash into biodegradable and non-biodegradable (true!!!). The biodegradables are thrown into a pit at our backyard and the non-bios are either recycled, burnt or sold to junk buyer passerbys.  

Our beloved public servants, how do you feel when you go out of your house and greeted by the stench of trash at the corner of your street? Do you just look and drive past it? No concern at all? 

4.  About my job as a Doctor to the Barrio in ARMM. 

I can probably write a whole novel about my job but let me start on how the DOH central office made us contractuals instead of having plantilla items which was enjoyed by senior DTTBs. Being on a contractual status bereft us of the benefits that we deserve including hazard pay in which we are fully entitled of. Our workload has no difference with that of our seniors, the only difference is that we are being treated unjustly by the agency which is supposed to take care of us considering that we are being fed to the lions in the geographically isolated areas in the country. 

Being a DTTB is worse due to the mandatory political ties in implementation of  the health programs but it is worst in ARMM. I am sorry to say this and to frustrate each and everyone who, like me, was very hopeful in trying to initiate change in the community. It appeared to me how powerful politics is, not just in the political arena per se, but in public agencies as well. Life in the Philippines revolves around dirty politics but worst in ARMM.

Almost a year later, being a doctor to the barrio is far from the fulfilling job I expect it to be. I was pulled out from my area in Maguindanao due to the erratic peace and order situation (political war) and I was subtly ousted by the local chief executive himself (aka Mayor) after defending my staff on our absence at the RHU during the heat of the midterm election period where firefight encounters occur almost everyday. Truth be told, nobody wants to risk his life for a nonsense reason (read: political greed). That untoward incident deserves a whole entry. Nevertheless, I got transferred to Lanao del Sur (Alhamdulillah!) in the comfort of home and of my family. I am still waiting for my next deployment. 

One year left for DTTB and I can plan my life again with my love. :)

               

Upside Down

Photo taken sometime in October 2012 at Enchanted Kingdom.

Life is one helluva roller-coaster ride. Enjoy it, witness it, get involved with it, don't close your eyes when you're turned upside down, that's when you can test your courage and strength most. 

Have a lovely November, friends! It's my birth month! :D 

Two Cents

For my 27th year on this mysterious earth, allow me to share what life has inculcated in me.

1. HARDWORK

              It always pays off. Never fails. If you want something really bad, you just have to really work on it head-on. The universe will not conspire in your favor if you fail to perform your part. Try asking successful men on their secret to reaching the peak of their triumph and they got only one word for you, dude --- hardwork.

2. FAITH

              Never ever sell yourself short. Keep the faith that you can achieve achieve your goal, because if you don't believe in yourself, who will? But the biggest share of your faith should go to God--put your entire trust on Him as you trudge your way to success because He, alone, causes circumstances to happen.

3. GRATITUDE

              Pay gratitude to the people, who, in one way or another have helped in pushing you to the limits until you reach the top. They may be your parents, siblings, mentors, family members and friends who have offered prayers, provided comforting words, embraced you and tapped your back when you feel like giving up. Always say your Thank Yous, these are two powerful words that are soothing to the heart. Those people who have rendered help, especially your family and mentors, do not expect anything in return other than a simple Thank You. And, say it a sincere smile. :D

4. HUMILITY

               Wherever your feet brings you, just keep them firmly planted on the ground. Arrogance will bring you nowhere but to your downfall. Always keep your confidence with your head bowed low.

5. PATIENCE

                One will not value his success if he did not meet thorny obstacles along the way. These obstacles will either make or break your goal, so always carry patience as your weapon. InshaAllah, it will shield you through the terrifying sea of obstacles.

6. OPEN-MIND

                Finally, as you go all through these, face life with an open-mind. When the waves of life don't seem to agree with you, don't easily dwell into the darkness of frustration, believe that it shoves you to a better place.


Alhamdulillah for another great year! Thank you 2012, you've been awesome! On my 27th, multitude of changes are beginning to take place and I'm facing them with bravery. Help me God. :)

I haven't written anything that makes sense for a long while now. I tried to squeeze out that creative juice in me but it seemed empty. There are plenty of things around me to write about but there's nothing that hammers me to actually write it down. Words just linger playfully in my mind and got stuck.

Profundity has evaporated.

But I guess, it makes sense to be a doctor. :)

The Lone Traveler

Photo taken 36,000 feet above the ground on a perfect sunset afternoon. It's a rare chance to eye witness closely the magnificent sun hiding behind the huge clouds as it bids farewell to end another beautiful day. 

Who said I was alone? I was with Haruki Murakami, my love. 

"If I Should Have A Daughter"

I've been watching this video over and over again since Jing posted it on her blog. 

"If I should have a daughter, instead of "Mom," she's gonna call me "Point B," because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried. "And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix. But that's what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. That there'll be days like this. ♫ There'll be days like this, my momma said. ♫ When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive. But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. "Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your momma is a worrier, and your poppa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. And always apologize when you've done something wrong, but don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother."

Now here are the three things I know to be true:


1. Right now, I'm crawling to the end of internship I want to end it so badly.
2. I want to go travel somewhere before the review for the board exam starts and try to find that missing piece I lost somewhere along the journey of life. 
3. I look at myself in front of the mirror and ask "What happened to you? Where are you now? Why do you not care?".

The Untold. :)

this whole idea of you and me is but a surreal tragedy.

i shall forever keep you in my secret malady.

never to unfold.

you'd forever be The Untold.

She sits in the stillness of the afternoon, inhaling the humid air outside that leaks into the walls of this seemingly sound-proof building. She hears nothing but the grinding sound coming from the electric fan. She turned the radio on her phone, plugged her earphones and tried listening to the mainstream beat.

No. She wants silence. Turn off that radio, she commands herself.

She wants to clear her mind off these materials that continue to wreak havoc on her peace-loving mind. She needs that silence.

Think. Please.

Get your mind back to the groove, that inquisitive and creative brain you once had. She heard herself in utmost plea.

She closes her eyes and sees nothing but sheer darkness. She looks closer into the vast blackness. She sees shadows, glitters, lights. Everything that tells about what's to come. The pompous future that she imagines it to be. The future she has wildly created in her mind. The future that she holds on tightly. The future she knows will forever stay in her imagination. For she knows it will not happen.

She reluctantly opens her eyes as she gradually plummets back into reality.

That Perfect Day

We were having minor chit-chats with the residents and the clerk while doing excisional biopsy at the OPD-OR this morning. This junior resident told us that by default, he went to ORL (otorhinolaryngology, aka ENT for ears, nose and throat) for residency because his dad and his grandfather were ENTs themselves. In addition to that, he was told that in choosing for residency program, you should put yourself in your perfect day. Not really perfect, but the the kind of day you can live over and over again for the rest of your life. The kind of day that makes you happy that you want to re-live when your hair turned pepper and salt. If you imagine yourself in that situation and you believe you won't get fed up by the routine, then go for it. 

As I was holding the retractors, my mind flew ten years forward. A perfect day for me would comprise of waking up early in the morning, preparing breakfast for my hubby and the kids after Fajr prayer. That would also include preparing hubby for work (whatever he does) and my grade-schoolers to school. I would be left with the household maid doing her chores while I go for a few-minute jog and then I will prepare myself for the morning rounds of my patients. That will take around an hour or two. I will then head to my clinic to see well-babies or follow-up check ups. By noontime, hubby will arrive for our daily lunchdate. Nyahahaha! I'm actually laughing right now. A lunchdate is a must, okay? Alright, clinic will continue in the afternoon where I will probably be reading a good book in-between patients. I will probably have coffee date with my friends after clinic and get back home before sunset. At night, I will be helping my kids with their school stuff while hubby watches the news. Weekends will be spent at my parents' home where weekly reunion with my siblings and their respective families will be a part of our routine. (I will impose that to my siblings. Haha!)

I'm contemplating on the residency program I will have to pursue in order to attain my would-be Perfect Day. My God, all I want is a simple and contented life. A balanced life between family and career. When I achieve that, that would be the real meaning of success. :) 

You, how do you picture out your perfect day?  

Of Faith

I oftentimes find myself hanging for words whenever I attempt to write about my faith--the Islamic faith. I can't seem to discern the words that would create cohesive statements. I never wrote anything about how adherent I am to my religion because I don't wanna sound too-good-to-be-true or you know, be like some people who tweet or facebook stuff like "Just finished praying Maghrib" or "Going to read the Qur'an" or something like that. There's NOTHING wrong with praying or reading the Qur'an, of course, that's how a devout Muslim should do but the wrong thing is actually tweeting it or putting it in your FB status. That sounds more like "Hey, look at me, I'm such a religious person" to me. Because you don't tweet or facebook your faith, you put it  in your heart and you act according to it. You shouldn't say you're a Muslim, you should act like a Muslim. Those are different and people should understand that.

Another reason why it's difficult for me to write about my faith is the fact that I'm in a complete struggle in maintaining the practices of a true Muslim. When I say true Muslim, this is the one who performs the 5 pillars of Islam with pure and sincere intention such as: a.) The recitation of Shahadah, that is witnessing that there is no god but Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) and that Prophet Mohammad (salallahu 'alaihi wasallam) is His messenger, b.) performing five daily prayers, c.) fasting during the holy month of Ramadhan, d.) giving Zakat or charity to the needy, and to those who can afford, e.) performing Hajj at least once in a lifetime. Aside from the five pillars, we are also to believe in the 6 Articles of Faith which are: a.) Belief in the Oneness of Allah, that you do not attribute any other god to Him b.) Belief in the existence of Angels, c.) Belief in the Books of Allah (Torah of Prophet Musa (alaihi salam), Psalms of Prophet Dawud (alaihi salam), Gospel of Prophet Isa (alaihi salam) and Qur'an of Prophet Mohammad (s.a.w)), d.) Belief in the Prophets of Allah, e.)  Belief in the Day of Judgment, and finally, f.) Belief that everything that happens is Willed by Allah. 

Moreover, a true Muslim also adheres to the sunnah of the Prophet Mohammad (s.a.w). The Holy Qur'an tells us to pray but it wasn't stated there how to pray, so there enters the sunnah or the hadith. It comprises of laws and practices of the Holy Prophet for mankind to follow suit. The Holy Qur'an tells the women to lower their gaze and cover their bosoms, now the Hadith tells us to cover our body showing only our faces, hands and feet. That's why we wear hijab and draw them on our chest, we are also not supposed to wear skimpy clothes, we should avoid laughing boisterously in public and most importantly, we are not supposed to go out with men who are not our mahram. 

Therefore I would not blame my blockmates if they say it is difficult to become a Muslim. Lahat na lang bawal, they would say. Yes, it is difficult from the point of view of non-Muslims as they are not accustomed to the practices and they are not aware of the rationale behind the practices. They find it weird and inhumane. For them, wearing the hijab is a sign of oppression as women in Islam cannot reveal their true selves--that rockstar in them. For them, fasting during Ramadhan is a punishment. For them, not being able to party and drink alcoholic beverages is a form of inhibition. But I am not here to preach about my religion, I leave them at that. Nor do I tell them that what they do is wrong because as my colleagues, I hold high respect for their beliefs and their own faith. Walang basagan ng trip, ika nga. 

I feel lucky to have been born in an Islamic household, where both of my parents are devout and pious Muslims who serve as the best example for us, their children. I believe that every Muslim should stand firmly  to being labeled a Muslim, that we should strive to become the best of what we are. However, in a world where our religion is badly stained by people who claim to be Muslims but are doing the exact opposite of what the religion teaches, it is difficult to prove them wrong. Nevertheless, the least we can do is to show them the image of a true Muslim. The real one. Not the one projected by the media. And there enters my own struggle in keeping my faith firm and consistent. I confess, among the abovementioned five pillars of Islam, I am only consistent with the recitation of the Shahadah and fasting during the Holy Month. As for the daily prayers, I am not able to complete the five daily prayers. I pray whenever I am at home, but I dismiss my prayers or even forget about the waqtu whenever I'm outside. But my conscience is eating me up inside. If you remember this, , then I still feel that way. It's not just about the prayer that boggles me as well, it is the whole conduct and behavior of a true Muslim that I cannot meet. Allah knows what is in my heart, how I try to become the best Muslim that pleases Him, because everything that I do is in accordance to worshiping The Almighty. That's how it should be. 

In retrospect, I still thank Him that He gives me this feeling of guilt, this eagerness to renew my faith and to seek and understand more about my religion because if He closes my ears, my sight and my heart then, boy, I'm in big trouble. So please, Ya Allah, strengthen my faith in You and continue leading me to the straight path. Ameen. 

I ask Allah's forgiveness and turn to Him in repentance. 

Of Lights

Lights and I have this unspoken, secret relationship that we only recognize once we are bounded. It's comparable to an old friend you haven't seen for eons and when you bump into each other, you felt that certain amount of nostalgia flaming inside of you. It pokes your heart and spontaneously opens that well-guarded vulnerability in you. It brings this seemingly secret message that can only be fathomed mutually. It makes your jaw drop in utter amazement. It makes your mind wander to the vast infinity of possibilities. It resurrects hopes, dreams and infinite love.  

Under the lights, you decide to drop your guards. :) 

Lantern Festival in Taiwan.*

I'm no Christian but I love Christmas because of the lights.*

I always look forward to every New Year hugely because of fireworks display.*

I would always looooove the night sky because of the glittery stars decorating its pitch-darkness. *

Something I look forward to see for myself in this lifetime, the lights at The Eiffel.* :)

*Googled photos.

Rx: Ice Cream.

There's no medical prescription to cure bad days. I tell you, only ICE CREAM can do the math! I deny having sweet tooth but with ice cream, it has got that magical feeling that wipes all the blues away!! Yes, magical, that's the term. Woot! :)

Homemade banoffee pie ice cream. It was made from FRESH BANANA mashed into the coffee-flavored ice cream. Voila! 

My bad. I forgot the name of that Japanese homemade ice cream store located at the 2nd floor of Robinson's Ermita, Midtown wing. The one with purple furniture? That is so visible. 

I had banoffee pie ice cream that came with a message: 

"To live is like to LOVE---all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it."

I didn't get it. Something wrong with the grammar, perhaps? 

Next time you have bad day after assisting a consultant who doesn't seem to get satisfied with  how you assist ("iha, hindi ganyan. i-retract mo pa." "'wag mo masyado i-retract, masisira ang tissue". ano po ba talaga? e kung kayo na lang mag-retract? try nyo lang po. LOL.), try some scoop of ice cream! :) If you have funds, try Caramia's gelato. I bet you'll forget you ever had a bad day! Nomnom! 

An addition to my Eiffel stuff! A planner gifted by @rocayaaa! Thank you soooo much! :)

Now I have two planners for 2012, I get a bit confused where to write my daily activities. LOL! This Eiffel planner won the daily routine while Mr. Coelho's is for outpouring of emotions aka diary. 

I've listed down in random order the things I would do after passing the physicians licensure exam. 

Inshaa Allah, all of these shall begin after August this year! Waaah! I can feel the chills down my spine!!

Facebook It!

While Facebook has become the perfect avenue for giving people a piece of your mind, there are stuff that you can't put on Facebook because you know it will light a fire and you don't want that to happen. In this tiny nook of mine, I know this is the perfect place for shouting:

DO NOT PROVOKE ME! I BITE TOO, BITCH!

I may be keeping my silence most of the time, laughing things off and pretend it didn't occur, but hey, I know exactly what you're talking behind my back. Now I'm telling you this, YOU'RE NOT PERFECT EITHER SO DON'T PRETEND LIKE ONE. Nuff said.

P.S.
I wish the font size could get any larger than that. My emotions are way too huge for those font size! Haha. 

Note To Self

Repost from @BebanglovesRed. 

It starts with marrying the right person and ends with doing things that will make your mom proud. I shall find congruence in that. I promise you, Mom. :) 

Desiderata

When I feel like I'm on the deepest pit, my go-to book is the (behold!) The Holy Qur'an. Seriously, it is. I cannot put into simpler words the magical feeling I get after reading the Holy Book. Yesterday, while I was sitting at the nosebleed-inducing Neurosurgery case conference, I got a glimpse of Desiderata hanging on the wall. I loved this poem since forever because it is a spirit-lifting read when you have some suicidal ideations boiling inside your head. I haven't read it for quite sometimes and I was reminded when I saw it printed on a frame dangling beside the Chairman's certificate like it was saying "hello, do you remember me?". It made me smile, and so here, I share it with everyone else who have forgotten how to live a life. :)

DESIDERATA

Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The Iron Lady

If there's one structure on earth that I so love much I'd probably marry is the Eiffel Tower. I get so engrossed by it even when I was young that it is my lifelong dream to actually land my feet on Paris and see for myself and climb the la dame de fer. I find it mysterious, standing in the middle of the city as if observing in silence while patiently waiting for something. According to the people (ahem, friends?) who have been there, everywhere you go in the city of Paris, the tower will always be within your vision. I believe that's one of the things that the engineer Gustave Eiffel wanted to impart to the public--that his undying work of art will always be visible. There's one more thing I wish for about Eiffel but I guess it is not appropriate for me to divulge such in this public journal. (Haha!) Unknowingly, I began to buy stuff printed with Eiffel. I had lots more back in Marawi, these are just the ones I purchased here in the metro. 

Earrings. Look closely, there's the tower o. 

Necklace. I got this from Iligan. The moment I saw it, I knew I had to buy it.

Notebook from a bazaar at Rockwell. I have so many unused notebooks but without second thoughts, I grabbed this one. :)

Photo courtesy of GOOGLE.

Sunset at the Eiffel. Magnificent! 

See you before I die. 

P.S.

I wish for a miniature Eiffel I can place inside my room. I wonder where I can possibly purchase one that comes at a cheaper price. Yung tipong...gift. Haha!

Note to self:

something beyond reality for an anhedonic person called ME.

Lakbay Tayo!!!

My Lakbayan grade is C-!!! Aaaahhh!!! 

You may want to know your Lakbayan traveling grade here.


C'mon, TAKE ME AWAY RIGHT NOW!