What you are about to read was written last August 14, 2010 on my personal journal (which I unintentionally abandoned for the past two months). I was supposed to write under the title "To The One Who Got Away", but while I was constructing my thoughts, it occurred to me that all this time I was the one who actually got away! So here.
Hi. It's been a long while. While I'm staring at my lappy monitor, the cursor blinking right at me, you suddenly crossed my mind. Probably because the three of us were together this afternoon so I thought of writing this for you.
Changes. How it abruptly occurs they don't even send a signal. While the factors affecting it is a blur I cannot pinpoint. Several years ago, the idea of us becoming strangers to each other was unbelievable. We were a circle of tremendous allies who seemed unbreakable, we were sisters! We reckoned we had a colossal foundation to start our friendship with! But look at us now, our coexistence seems negligible. We belong to the same world yet we try to build our own worlds apart creating our own covenants.
Was it really you who got away? Perhaps, I was. I blame myself for having the tendency to escape as a form of precaution. I sensed the impeding doom brought about by the monster I and the others had discovered in you. Such a waste of beauty only to be rotten by greed, envy and lies. But who am I to judge you? I am not perfect either. The difference is I know I am not perfect. Do you?
Admittedly, I was the one who changed between us. I sincerely seek for an apology for dropping off everything we had. It may not be the mature thing to do but I can't stand being all hypocrite like you, acting as if nothing has changed. Call me mean and whatever names you can think of, talk on me behind my back, I don't care. So be it.
As I'm scanning our photos accumulated for our almost four years of friendship, I can't help but feel nostalgic recollecting our childish conversations, our whining about petty stuff and our dreams. Dreams of going to med school together and of becoming doctors someday. Cliche, but it surely seemed like yesterday, chatting in the vacant classrooms, waiting for our professors to arrive while ranting about our daily lives.
Just so you know, I miss you. However we must accept that we cannot replay our past and get back into each other's lives just like that. There's already that thick line that divides us. As the pages of our lives turns to another, so as our perceptions, feelings and decisions.
We will part soon, very very soon. I hope you cherish our good memories together as I do. I will try to forget everything that happened. I will try persistently.
I have forgiven you, I pray that deep down in your heart you have forgiven me too. :)
Good luck to both of us as we embark on a new journey.
2 comments:
I have always been a runner. :) Escaping every bit of problem that comes my way and uplifting it all to God. I had a same experience with some friends, and I chose to let it go and like you Ate, escape. I guess it's one way of letting go of the hurt. And in all honesty, I am with you on your thoughts that no matter how hard two friends try, there will always be that scar that will remind us that we got hurt once.
And today, as I look back, maybe when I chose to run, it ended the friendship because if a person can't handle you at your worst then prolly, they shouldn't have you at your best :)
Decisions are tough Ate, but I hope you and your friend will be reconnected inshaAllah in the future. Surely, through time, forgiveness is greatly possible. :) *hugs
@Hevs: Thanks for spilling out something here, arikulay. Indeed, it's easy to forgive but difficult to forget. I hope my friend has forgiven me too, however mahirap nang ibalik kung ano yung dati. A gap was created already and time shall fill whatever that was broken. Hopefully. *hugs back* :)
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