Words for 2016*

RE-SETTLEMENT

Jabar's posting ended last May which entails our return to our home country. As soon as the year kicked off, we planned out how we will survive the unfavorable living conditions in Manila. If I can only get my way, I prefer the provincial life than in this big, bustling metro where all fearsome stressors are thriving --- pollution, traffic jams everywhere, high cost of living --- name it, Manila has it. In this partnership called marriage, compromise is key. This means that as a wife and mother, I need to plan my own life and career around what my husband can provide for us. 

Going back to the Philippines is leaving my comfortable, dream-like life in Bangkok and waking up to reality. It is also a reminder for me to pick up where I left off my career. There was a strong surge of eagerness to return to medical practice. I imagine myself again in the emergency room checking on patients, extracting history and performing physical exams, correlating symptoms and lab results, tracing the pathophysiology of diseases, and writing on charts. My soul screamed for it---my eagerness to master the craft. 

My motherhood-dominated DNA faced many conflicts as I try to return to work. I cannot stand, for the time being, 24-hours duty. Therefore, hospital duties are temporarily off the list. I looked for a less-demanding and benign job near our place. I ended up in a pre-employment clinic that is 20-30 minutes (traffic time included) away from us. I tried to learn the ropes all over again and after several months, I did get by. 

Re-settlement for me was never a walk in the park. Things do change and by the time we returned, a lot of changes took place. Right now, I am in the process of gathering medical learnings as much as I could in preparation for residency training, in shaa Allah. The medical field has many areas to master --- public health, clinical, research and even corporate. At this point in my life, it is very clear to me which area I will pursue. 

TAWAKKUL

In the Arabic language, "tawakkul" is the word for the Islamic concept of reliance on God or "trusting in God's plan". I have many plans for 2016 that didn't push through because Allah has other plans for me. Case in point, baby # 2! As of writing time, I just breastfed and burped my two-week old little angel whom we named Amreen Nurlailah. Yes, Amina Mariam is now an older sister. :) I found out I was pregnant of her last April, as soon as arrived from Phuket. My reaction was a mixture of joy ---for Amina will have a baby sibling --- and frustration for my residency plans will be postponed. It took me a while to digest the fact that I will have to go through pregnancy and childbirth all over again which are exciting at the same time exhausting. 

We are not created to live a perfect life, God puts us in unfavorable circumstances for us to push our strengths and use our weaknesses to our advantage. That is why "tawakkul" is my creed for this year and for the rest of my life. I wholeheartedly accept wherever God places me, so long as I did my part. I know that Allah loves me and He will not forsake me. I have proven many times over that His plans are better than mine and I'm in a better place now because I allowed His Will to take over my life. 

*blogging from my phone, so forgive the raw-ness of this entry. Happy 2017! 🍸✨