trials

The threshold has been reached.
I wish this is merely a fleeting emotion, one that vanishes after a good cup of coffee or after a good night sleep. No matter how I coax this emotion to dissipate, it lurks like an unwanted shadow.

I must re-learn my value and my worth. I must stop compromising.
For what?

I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to be respected.

Amreen Nurlailah

I was going through my Motherhood entries and noticed that I blogged less about my second child, Amreen, compared to her older sister. To avoid future heartache on the part of my Amreen when they eventually found out about this blog and see that I write less about her, this post would be wholly dedicated to her. The photos already belong to the throwback category (Amreen is 1 year old and 3 months as of writing time) but how sweet it is to look at her newborn photos, so adorably plump. MashaaAllah.. 

Amreen is our surprise baby, I never expected her to come along as soon as her older sister turned 7 months old. It was a bittersweet moment when I saw the double line on the pregnancy test. When I missed the arrival of the red flag that month, I already had a hunch that I might be having a new baby in my womb. I was right. Jabar was so excited to have a new baby while I cried. I cried not because I didn't welcome her but because I felt like my body hasn't healed yet and here comes another one and I'd go through the entire pregnancy process again. I haven't had enough sleep yet since Yamyam was born and here we are again with a new baby. I thought of the new environment we will be in as we were about to be recalled to the Philippines at the time, I thought about my residency plans. It'll be postponed for sure. 

Love at first glimpse.

Right when she was already out of my womb. 

It was a relatively easy pregnancy like that with my firstborn. No morning sickness, no easy fatigability. In fact I wasn't convinced I was pregnant until I saw her ultrasound on my 11th week. Perhaps I was still in denial. I continued my usual pregnancy self-care --- nourishment and taking my calcium and vitamin supplements---except that I didn't have a regular exercise. We were already in the Philippines during the whole duration of my 2nd pregnancy, living in Quiapo where my husband bought a condo unit for his siblings who were studying in nearby unis. Where do you think I'd go walking in Quiapo without getting stressed? Haha! Unlike in Bangkok where we live near a park and where there's a gym within the building where we live, I never had a regular exercise with my pregnancy with Amreen. As a result, I found out on my 33rd week that she's in a breech position.

Jabar, my parents, his uncle Bapa Sowaib, and my cousin Ate Lalay. They're our companion right when my baby and I was wheeled into our room.

Upon discovering that she's in a breech position, that was the time that I started to do serious exercises. I did yoga at home and started morning walks along Luneta. At 36 weeks, my OB told me my baby's still in a breech position. I was determined to have a normal delivery that I even considered undergoing external cephalic version which my OB disapproved because of risks of uterine rupture. My pregnancy went beyond 40 weeks AOG and I didn't feel any hard contractions yet. I have seen cases of meconium staining where babies didn't survive the infection, or babies and moms had postpartum complications because of meconium staining on top of breech delivery. Subhanallah. I can't afford to see my baby in any condition other than normal.

Yamyam was 1 year and 4 months old when her younger sister was born.

At 40 weeks and 3 days AOG, after praying salaatul istikhara and conferring with my husband and my parents, I told my OB that I want to undergo a CS delivery even without labor pains yet. I don't want to wait for that time when there's no turning back. I don't want to expose my baby for any risks concerning her breech position. 

Mom for the 2nd time around.

On the evening of December 17, 2016, I had my beautiful baby girl whom we named Amreen Nurlailah. Amreen is an arabic word for sky while Nurlailah means light of the night. Indeed, LAST YEAR when Jabar and I were wrapped in utter darkness, our Amreen stood as a bright light who made us forget all the horrendous happenings in our lives. She always made us smile amidst our sadness. She was such an easy baby. MashaaAllah alhamdulillah.. 

Photo taken as we were about to be discharged from the hospital. Yamyam was left at home. 

I was able to breastfeed her until 9 months when I had to go into pre-residency. She used to cry when I refuse to latch her then she got used to drinking from her bottle. She's very attached to me that when I had to leave her at 3AM during pre-res, she also wakes up and sees me off. Aaaww... my little girl. 

Motherhood has really changed me. It made me more understanding and more sympathetic to others' needs. Right now, I couldn't be more grateful that we have Amreen in our lives. She's her older sister's playmate and of course isn't it more fun to have two little rays of sunshine? 

Amina Mariam and Amreen Nurlailah 

The Aftermath

This emotions in this post was triggered after my cousins and my in-laws sent us photos of what remained of their homes after the Marawi siege. I am sharing it here in my blog after I posted it on Facebook yesterday (where it must have been initially posted) as well as the comments it garnered. I made a few editing though. 

I honestly do not like discussing about what happened to MARAWI to avoid scratching the surface of a deeply-seated wound. But I need to let this out.

Today, my relatives were able to return to their homes only to scavenge on what was left of the properties that they built for decades with their own blood and sweat. Most of us even spent decades as OFWs sacrificing precious family milestones to be able to give a better future for their children. Now, everything turned to ashes.

My in-laws house. This was literally built by my grandfather-in-law with his own hands, my parents in-law spent decades working abroad to finish this one. Few days before the siege, renovation was underway. 

My Uncle's Orphanage. This orphanage used to be a home to at least 15 orphans FOR FREE. 

Pointing fingers as to which side of the opposing forces (government troops and the Maute group) did more damage to our properties will not bring back what we’ve lost but if there’s one thing I am sure of, the government forces FAILED to protect the civilians and their properties. They even perpetuated MORE damage to our houses by deliberately wrecking and looting even those located outside the periphery of the battle ground.

This government, instead of comforting its constituents, even insinuates threats that we cannot get our land back because they’re planning an economic zone right on the areas where our former homes were standing. WE DO NOT NEED A DUBAI-LIKE MARAWI like what this government proposes to us. We are not that gullible, Sirs, as you’d want to believe. WE WANT OUR LAND BACK. We do not like malls, condos and exclusive villages inside Marawi, we want our old homes where we live next door to our siblings, aunts and cousin. We want Banggolo and Padian back. Perhaps a little cleaner, yes. 

This government has boldly transgressed the very foundation of the Meranaos' carefully treaded MARATABAT. We will surely never let this one pass. We may be demoralized and weak now but I still believe that Meranaos, strongly resistant and resilient, shall rise again. In shaa Allah. I only pray that I am still alive by the time we receive vindication. To the people responsible for our agony, karma exists and it hits hard. We were neither conquered by the Spaniards nor the Japanese nor the Americans, hence we shall not be conquered by those who were conquered. OVER THE DEAD BODIES OF THE ENTIRE MERANAO RACE. 

Had a productive IMAN-BOD meeting this morning. Agenda were: a. finalizing the venue and topics for the national convention this November, and b. the medical mission to the displaced residents of Marawi this May, in shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah for gatherings like this. We’ll keep you posted for our National Convention! 🙏🏼 #doctorsforthesakeofAllah

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