trials

The threshold has been reached.
I wish this is merely a fleeting emotion, one that vanishes after a good cup of coffee or after a good night sleep. No matter how I coax this emotion to dissipate, it lurks like an unwanted shadow.

I must re-learn my value and my worth. I must stop compromising.
For what?

I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to be respected.

Amreen Nurlailah

I was going through my Motherhood entries and noticed that I blogged less about my second child, Amreen, compared to her older sister. To avoid future heartache on the part of my Amreen when they eventually found out about this blog and see that I write less about her, this post would be wholly dedicated to her. The photos already belong to the throwback category (Amreen is 1 year old and 3 months as of writing time) but how sweet it is to look at her newborn photos, so adorably plump. MashaaAllah.. 

Amreen is our surprise baby, I never expected her to come along as soon as her older sister turned 7 months old. It was a bittersweet moment when I saw the double line on the pregnancy test. When I missed the arrival of the red flag that month, I already had a hunch that I might be having a new baby in my womb. I was right. Jabar was so excited to have a new baby while I cried. I cried not because I didn't welcome her but because I felt like my body hasn't healed yet and here comes another one and I'd go through the entire pregnancy process again. I haven't had enough sleep yet since Yamyam was born and here we are again with a new baby. I thought of the new environment we will be in as we were about to be recalled to the Philippines at the time, I thought about my residency plans. It'll be postponed for sure. 

Love at first glimpse.

Right when she was already out of my womb. 

It was a relatively easy pregnancy like that with my firstborn. No morning sickness, no easy fatigability. In fact I wasn't convinced I was pregnant until I saw her ultrasound on my 11th week. Perhaps I was still in denial. I continued my usual pregnancy self-care --- nourishment and taking my calcium and vitamin supplements---except that I didn't have a regular exercise. We were already in the Philippines during the whole duration of my 2nd pregnancy, living in Quiapo where my husband bought a condo unit for his siblings who were studying in nearby unis. Where do you think I'd go walking in Quiapo without getting stressed? Haha! Unlike in Bangkok where we live near a park and where there's a gym within the building where we live, I never had a regular exercise with my pregnancy with Amreen. As a result, I found out on my 33rd week that she's in a breech position.

Jabar, my parents, his uncle Bapa Sowaib, and my cousin Ate Lalay. They're our companion right when my baby and I was wheeled into our room.

Upon discovering that she's in a breech position, that was the time that I started to do serious exercises. I did yoga at home and started morning walks along Luneta. At 36 weeks, my OB told me my baby's still in a breech position. I was determined to have a normal delivery that I even considered undergoing external cephalic version which my OB disapproved because of risks of uterine rupture. My pregnancy went beyond 40 weeks AOG and I didn't feel any hard contractions yet. I have seen cases of meconium staining where babies didn't survive the infection, or babies and moms had postpartum complications because of meconium staining on top of breech delivery. Subhanallah. I can't afford to see my baby in any condition other than normal.

Yamyam was 1 year and 4 months old when her younger sister was born.

At 40 weeks and 3 days AOG, after praying salaatul istikhara and conferring with my husband and my parents, I told my OB that I want to undergo a CS delivery even without labor pains yet. I don't want to wait for that time when there's no turning back. I don't want to expose my baby for any risks concerning her breech position. 

Mom for the 2nd time around.

On the evening of December 17, 2016, I had my beautiful baby girl whom we named Amreen Nurlailah. Amreen is an arabic word for sky while Nurlailah means light of the night. Indeed, LAST YEAR when Jabar and I were wrapped in utter darkness, our Amreen stood as a bright light who made us forget all the horrendous happenings in our lives. She always made us smile amidst our sadness. She was such an easy baby. MashaaAllah alhamdulillah.. 

Photo taken as we were about to be discharged from the hospital. Yamyam was left at home. 

I was able to breastfeed her until 9 months when I had to go into pre-residency. She used to cry when I refuse to latch her then she got used to drinking from her bottle. She's very attached to me that when I had to leave her at 3AM during pre-res, she also wakes up and sees me off. Aaaww... my little girl. 

Motherhood has really changed me. It made me more understanding and more sympathetic to others' needs. Right now, I couldn't be more grateful that we have Amreen in our lives. She's her older sister's playmate and of course isn't it more fun to have two little rays of sunshine? 

Amina Mariam and Amreen Nurlailah 

The Aftermath

This emotions in this post was triggered after my cousins and my in-laws sent us photos of what remained of their homes after the Marawi siege. I am sharing it here in my blog after I posted it on Facebook yesterday (where it must have been initially posted) as well as the comments it garnered. I made a few editing though. 

I honestly do not like discussing about what happened to MARAWI to avoid scratching the surface of a deeply-seated wound. But I need to let this out.

Today, my relatives were able to return to their homes only to scavenge on what was left of the properties that they built for decades with their own blood and sweat. Most of us even spent decades as OFWs sacrificing precious family milestones to be able to give a better future for their children. Now, everything turned to ashes.

My in-laws house. This was literally built by my grandfather-in-law with his own hands, my parents in-law spent decades working abroad to finish this one. Few days before the siege, renovation was underway. 

My Uncle's Orphanage. This orphanage used to be a home to at least 15 orphans FOR FREE. 

Pointing fingers as to which side of the opposing forces (government troops and the Maute group) did more damage to our properties will not bring back what we’ve lost but if there’s one thing I am sure of, the government forces FAILED to protect the civilians and their properties. They even perpetuated MORE damage to our houses by deliberately wrecking and looting even those located outside the periphery of the battle ground.

This government, instead of comforting its constituents, even insinuates threats that we cannot get our land back because they’re planning an economic zone right on the areas where our former homes were standing. WE DO NOT NEED A DUBAI-LIKE MARAWI like what this government proposes to us. We are not that gullible, Sirs, as you’d want to believe. WE WANT OUR LAND BACK. We do not like malls, condos and exclusive villages inside Marawi, we want our old homes where we live next door to our siblings, aunts and cousin. We want Banggolo and Padian back. Perhaps a little cleaner, yes. 

This government has boldly transgressed the very foundation of the Meranaos' carefully treaded MARATABAT. We will surely never let this one pass. We may be demoralized and weak now but I still believe that Meranaos, strongly resistant and resilient, shall rise again. In shaa Allah. I only pray that I am still alive by the time we receive vindication. To the people responsible for our agony, karma exists and it hits hard. We were neither conquered by the Spaniards nor the Japanese nor the Americans, hence we shall not be conquered by those who were conquered. OVER THE DEAD BODIES OF THE ENTIRE MERANAO RACE. 

Had a productive IMAN-BOD meeting this morning. Agenda were: a. finalizing the venue and topics for the national convention this November, and b. the medical mission to the displaced residents of Marawi this May, in shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah for gatherings like this. We’ll keep you posted for our National Convention! 🙏🏼 #doctorsforthesakeofAllah

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Moving Up 2018

My daughters are far from entering pre-school yet but to send off the bigger kids in the daycare, they hold an annual Moving Up exercises. My eldest, Yamyam, joined for her first Moving Up. (She also joined last year but she was barely two years old then so that doesn't count. Lol) 

Didn't I just give birth to this little girl yesterday? TIME FLIES IN A SPEED OF LIGHT! 

I was deeply moved when I saw her certificate, parang magka-college na ang anak ko! Haha! I couldn't express in words how grateful I am to the daycare center's staff for taking good care of my two daughters. 

Yamyam's video of what she wants to be in the future:

Link here

A SINGER!

Yes, you heard that right. She wants to be a singer when she grows up! Hahaha! I don't know where she's going to get the DNA for that, but hey, singing can be an acquired talent! 

Here in this video, she performs with her classmates.

Link here

As you can see, the class is composed of future pilots, teachers, stewardess, beauty queens and doctors (really? doctors? are you sure, kids? lol). The kids had to have a costume for their chosen fields so I chose singer so I don't need to be bothered by what Yamyam had to wear. March is a crazy month for me, and being nanny-less, I had no spare time to look for a better costume for her. Next year ko na kareer-in. :D 

I am so proud of my little one, as any mom out there could be. She's only two and a half and she can already recite the alphabet, count from 1-10 and knows the primary colors. She performs well in the daycare too. Of course I can't recall what age did I learn all those but certainly not when I was two. 

Honestly, I am not very strict when it comes to what they should learn at a certain age. I follow their own learning pace. I stopped worrying too much. Yamyam has an advanced physical and social skills but quite lagging in language however not pathologically delayed. Some kids her age can already properly construct a sentence while she is only beginning to string two to three words together. Alhamdulillah. At their age, Yamyam at two and Amreen at one, I always make sure that I bask into their "little-ness". They will never be this age again so Jabar and I make sure that we're always there, as much as possible, with their every milestone.

Whatever they choose to be in the future as long within the bounds of Islam, in shaa Allah, we will always be behind cheering and pushing them to the top. :) 

36th

Belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my man!!!  

He turned 36 yesterday and since he doesn't want visibility in my social media accounts, I'm greeting him here in the blog. Haha! And I'm posting this picture because I think he's cute here. LOLZ. Labloo, Ama! 

No Yaya, Big Problem

It's been two months since our household help/nanny left after more than a year of staying with us, right when I just started residency training. Oh well. It's so difficult to find a replacement nowadays and it's not like we live next doors to our parents or non-working relatives where we could just leave the kids while we go to work. We, technically, have no one here in the metro to help us out. The existence of the Daycare Center in Jabar's office plays a major role in our lives today. Had there been no daycare, my mind would have blown up. There's no way I'd stop residency right now.

How do we manage?

Jabar and I divide the household chores and attending to the kids' needs. If one cooks then the other does the laundry, if one gives the kids a bathe then the other one cleans up. So far, so good. But there are days when we are both sooo tired and just want to sleep and we are both so irritable. However, we have no choice but to do the tasks. Partnership has never been this meaningful for Jabar and I. Glad to have a hands-on husband who needs not to be pestered to do his tasks. He knows exactly what to do without reminding him. He makes yaya-less easy for me. Oh, credits must be given to my two daughters who are very cooperative. We give them a bath at night so as early as 6 AM, we scoop them up from the bed while they are still asleep. If they wake up while we're in transit to Jabar's office, I change their clothes in the car. Otherwise, I do it in the daycare. As soon as I drop them at the daycare, I take the UV Express to the hospital. Alhamdulillah my workplace is relatively near his office. These are the days when I wish I knew how to drive so it'd be easy for me to travel back and forth the daycare.

I wake up everyday between 3-4 AM to sterilize the bottles, boil water, cook rice for our baon, and clean up the mess from the previous night. It feels like going to the battle every morning, battle against time and traffic. We need to leave early so as not to get caught in the metro traffic, otherwise we will get late in the workplace. Punctuality has always been my mark (ahem!), I avoid being tagged as a late-comer since I am only a first year resident. So I really make sure that we leave the house before 6:30 AM.

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It is vividly clear to me now why Allah has put me in this path -- Family Medicine in Ospital ng Maynila Medical Center. The schedule just fits me perfectly even without a household help. We only have maximum of four duties in a month and we are at the OPD for the rest of the days, which means we can leave the hospital as soon as the clock strikes 5 PM. Therefore, I can do the household chores --- laundry, clean up, and cook--- as soon as I get home. These are the things I cannot do had I pursued Internal Medicine, even with the help of a nanny.

Notice my tired eyes. 

I've been looking for a nanny almost everywhere to the point that I even ask some of my patients if they know someone who wants to work for us but always to no avail. Well. I can only pray to Allah to send us a nanny whom we can entrust our kids to and will stay with us for a long time.

I have always wondered how women in Western countries, where getting household help/nannies is not the norm, do it. They can still get a full time job, reach their dreams and fight for their advocacy while raising well-balanced children into productive adults. WOW. Western doctors who are also moms are my source of inspiration right now. Gotta meet one and ask for tips!

“Naku mommy, ang likot na po ni #AmreenNurlailah ngayon. Yung mga laruan tinatapon po sa basurahan, ang mga tissue pinapasok sa loob ng damit, lagi pong pumapasok sa banyo at tumatambay sa ilalim ng sink...” and so much more. Subhanallah. I got to witness it yesterday. May Allah protect our children at all times. #AmreenAt1

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FIVE

Jabar and I recently celebrated our fifth year anniversary together. Five years of annoying each other, getting fat together and being the ultimate partners-in-crime. Speaking of partners, partnership has never been more meaningful to us these days when we don't have a nanny to help us with the kids/household chores while both of us work full time. Jabar and I developed strategies and skills to make things faster and efficient at home while we still got to do what is expected of us in our workplace. And hey, we don't get late at work!! (There's no excuse for being late, unless there's heavy traffic jam!)

With our Amina Mariam and Amreen Nurlailah who made our anniversary dinner more...exciting!!! 

Unmarried people may assume that a couple is already well-adjusted in marriage in five years time. Wrong. Jabar and I haven't really sorted out our differences and we have just learned to let little things go and admit that we are two equally different individuals. For as long as we have the same vision and goals, then I think we're good. Occasional bickering rise up once in a while but we know our limits and our respect for each other is strongly kept in place. Alhamdulillah. 

Life is becoming even more exciting now that our two toddlers are growing up. Yamyam and Amreen are equally different too, each has her own unique character and we need to adjust to each child. Bismillahi mashaaAllah.. I am but grateful for each and every day that I wake up beside my two little girls.

We have planned months ago to hold an intimate anniversary dinner date here at Brassiere 3, Conrad Hotel. However, now that we have nobody to left our kids with, we had no choice but to bring them with us. All plans of intimacy dissipated when the older one began to run around and jump up and down the couch, while the younger one began to squirm in the high chair  and both kids did not want to be spoonfed but to eat by themselves with their bare hands! You do not want me to describe what kind of mess and chaos we created in the supposedly serene buffet restaurant. Haha! Great thing is that it was Friday night and only few people were there and nobody really did mind us. I kept on apologizing to the waiter attending to us and she assured me that they're also used to this kind of scene. Oh well. Life with toddlers. SO MUCH FUN. 

Alhamdulillah for the five years spent with Jabar. I cannot imagine life without him beside me. We have seen each other in the worst state, he has seen me fail and yet he still continues to encourage me and brings out the best in me. So much love for the man I am with. I am looking forward to the next five and hundred years with you! 

Profound. #magaralkanaAi #resAidency2018

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Road To Residency

My chill life is over.

After five years of living a normal life, I have to step-up my career and proceed into residency training. I think I said this before in this blog that the medical career is very broad, one can go into public health, research, clinical medicine (IM, FM, Psychia, Pedia), surgical (general surgery, OB, ophtha, ENT) or auxiliary (patho, rehab, nuclear med).  It took me five years to really think hard about what I want---a clinical career. Based on my med school and board exam performance, I was quite inclined to Internal Medicine and yes, I love IM! So I prepared for it and made it to PGH pre-res. But in the middle of pre-residency, I did not want a life spent like that for the next three years. I am not a single woman anymore, I have a husband and children to take care of. I can’t live with a every 3-days duty** schedule. That, for me, is too morbid. I pity my children. I did not get into IM residency but I am even thankful. I found a benign but competitive clinical training---Family Medicine in Ospital ng Maynila Medical Center. Yey!

What is Family Medicine? Honestly, it is one of those med school subjects that was not quite taken seriously because it deals with basic clinical cases that students feel they’re so light they can handle it even with eyes closed. Our FM internship rotation gave us opportunity to rest during weekends. But hey, FM is not to be taken lightly. It molds physicians to become 5-star physicians: clinician, researcher, social mobilizer, leader and teacher. As an academic discipline, FM encompasses a distinct body of knowledge appropriate to the needs of a changing society. It is not disease-oriented but also health-oriented which emphasizes on the importance of disease prevention, health maintenance and curative medicine. FM manages patients holistically, we're not only dealing with the physiological aspect of the illness but we also include its psychosocial factors.

Ospital ng Maynila Medical Center is the home base of Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila (PLM) College of Medicine, one of the top medical schools in the Philippines. Needless to say, OMMC is dominated by PLM grads (the same way PGH is dominated by UPCM grads) so I was hesitant to blend in at first. But during pre-res, my co-residents are very accommodating as well as the consultants! It is only here where we can speak to the consultants as friends, not as god-like creatures who’d make us feel like we know nothing.

One month into residency, I am eternally grateful that Allah led me to this path. We only go on duty once a week, and on an 8-5 sched during weekdays. So if I’m lucky and I’m not on duty during weekend, I have all my time for the little tots. The husband and I can still do stuff together---groceries, market and do jogging once in a while. I can even do other stuff because I have plenty of time! Alhamdulillah..

**duty means 24-48 hours attending to patients in the hospital, either in the wards, ER or OPD. Outside the duty schedule is either pre-duty or post-duty, that still warrants being in the hospital for 12 hours. A regular resident knows only 3 kinds of days: pre-duty, duty and post-duty. Then repeat. There are no weekends or holidays.

Alhamdulillah I still get to spend weekends with my little girls. 🧕🏻👧🏻👧🏻 #AminaMariam #AmreenNurlailah #resAidency2018 #FamilyMedicineIsLove

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Look babu @yourmrshouse, Kaka Yamyam's shoes fits me now! 😍 I love roaming around wearing them. Thank you! #AmreenNurlailah #handmedown

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Will this be your future uni? . #AminaMariam #inshaaAllah 🙏🏼 #UPorMSUonly 🤣 #unlessyougettoanivyleagueuni #mgapangarapniina

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This blog looks pitiful.

WANTED: Webpage Layout Editor/Artist, anyone?

Kami ang department na laging on a "diet as tolerated". Medyo mataas po ang threshold namin sa pagkain. 😝 . #WeAreFamily #resAidency2018

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Words for 2017

This came quite late for my annual blog tradition where I describe my past year with two words. I was caught up with pre-residency and eventually residency that I had little time to sit down and write. So much for the introductory words. 2017 was my worst year. Ever. All the terrible things that could happen in probably 5 years were squeezed in a single year for me. What better way to describe it than LOSS and DEFEAT.

LOSS

What happened in Marawi is one for the books, it will be marked in our history for the rest of our lives. The story will be passed down from one generation to the next after us. We lost our most prized possession—our homeland, including the properties which were product of our parents’ and grandparents’ sweat and blood. Almost all our family’s properties along Lilod Madaya---those of my grandmother, my grandaunts and granduncles, my uncles and aunts, my cousins’—were lost to the war paved by young men claiming to purge Marawi from its sins. It’s been eight months since the siege and I still cannot get over it. I cannot even bring myself to watch documentaries showing the massive destruction in our land. 

In relation to the siege, I lost someone very close to my heart. Someone I consider a sister. She was blinded by a false ideology thinking that she can somehow save her family and her land by joining the war. I shall respect whatever reasons she had for what she did will never change how I saw her as one of the most kind, innocent and adorable person I have ever met. She will never hurt even a fly. Her soft voice and laughter will forever be remembered. 

In the midst of the siege, I lost one of the most important persons in my life---my grandmother. She was very healthy at mid-80s, but one fine afternoon, as she was about to pray for salaatul-‘asr, she fell while sitting on her bed and was declared DOA at the hospital. I went home to Lanao del Sur, but not in Marawi. My heart was breaking when I was there not being able to smell the fresh air of MSU or even take a glimpse of Marawi because of the ongoing Martial Law. It pains me to see and to know that my relatives, people I grew up with, were scattered all over Mindanao.

At around that time, there were many reports about missing men in Iligan and my brother-in-law was one of them. He was abducted for almost 6 weeks, we initially thought it was a kidnap-for-ransom case but we never heard from the abductors. My in-laws searched the entire Lanao but to no avail. We’ve exhausted all the possible means but everything turned out negative. We’ve only clung to our unrelenting faith in Allah that he’ll be back to us safe and sound. True enough, when we’ve almost lost hope, he unexpectedly appeared at the doorstep of their place in Iligan. I will not dwell on the details of his abduction but up to now he has no idea who his abductors were as he was blindfolded the whole time. What he knows is that they were Visayan-speaking men. Alhamdulillah for the second chance at life given to my brother-in-law. I pray those men won’t bother him again.

DEFEAT

2017 was the best time for my clinical career to get back on track. I applied for residency training at the most prestigious Department of Internal Medicine at the Philippine General Hospital. Out of 100+ exam takers, I was one of the 48 passers who qualified for pre-residency. I was ecstatic when I passed the exam. Knowing how rusty my brain has become after almost 3 years of not practicing, it came as a surprise that some medical concepts were still retained in my memory. From the 48 pre-residents, only 36 of us made it at the end of the pre-res. The rest didn’t continue while some quit in the middle. From 36, only 21 qualified for residency training. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t make it. It kinda broke my heart a bit because I prepared and worked hard for it but somehow I was thankful because in the middle of pre-res I kept asking myself if I really want to pursue it there. For the entire 2 weeks, I barely see my kids and I lost track of the household that I manage. I left everything under the care of Jabar and the household help.

I wasn’t ready to give up my dream of becoming an internist yet. I looked for an open pre-res in other hospitals. I tried Manila Doctors Hospital. They allowed me to go on pre-res for a week along with 9 others but only 4 remaining slots were open. I gave my best shot for that week. I was very competitive, always ready for an answer, even the chief resident was rooting for me. I was kinda sure I will get in. For the second time, I was defeated. Apparently, the chairman was doubting my commitment because of Jabar’s nomadic nature of work. He was afraid I might quit in the middle of residency. I cried buckets. I felt like I lost all the chance of getting into residency. I’m getting old and the medical concepts I know are becoming obsolete by the day. I need to refresh my brain.

*********************************

2017 taught me that with every loss and defeat, there’s always a chance to rise above the challenges. Loss and defeat are both a state of the mind. Meranaos have lost Marawi but our consciousness will forever be connected to our beloved Ranao. Our Meranao-ness will never be lost. We and our children will still speak our language, we will still wear our malong, we will still cook and eat pindialokan a manok , and palapa will still be our staple spice wherever in this world we will be. This government may have succeeded in bombing our homes and driving us away, but Meranaos will thrive and we will even become better people, in shaa Allah. With our hands, blood and sweat, we will rebuild Marawi.

(Pause. I’m crying profusely now)

I may not have continued Internal Medicine and I may have felt defeated after two attempts at IM residency but I found my niche now with Family Medicine (FM). Alhamdulillah. Family Medicine is a highly clinical branch but offers a lot more benign schedule. Residency training in FM allows me to indulge in deep clinical learning and at the same time take care of my children and of the household. It allows me to take care of my own health and well-being. Alhamdulillah. Allah’s mercy is indeed never-ending. I do not regret those time I went into IM pre-residency because I met wonderful people and maybe that’s Allah’s way of not making me regret my decisions. He made me experience what it is to become an IM resident but did not bring me there because He knows it will not do me good.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. All Praise Is For the Lord of the Universe whose love and mercy is boundless.

My hijab is made of premium quality chiffon with a beautiful floral design. I got it at a very reasonable price from the Meranaos selling hijabs along the side walk of Pedro Gil St. right in front of UP Manila. I'm asking my fellow Muslim women friends in Manila that if ever you pass by our fellow Meranaos selling on the street, please buy an item or two. 'Wag na kayo tumawad, ogop iyo kiran dn. Balasan kano ron Allah. ☺️ I also bought a slipper which says "hawaiians". 🤣 #notootdworthy #butmyhijabisootdworthy 😜

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1st BOD meeting of Islamic Medical Association of the Philippines (IMAN) held at UPCM. IMAN is now a member of the World Islamic Health Union and in shaa Allah, we will have our National Convention this November. Alhamdulillah for a productive meeting. . #muslimdoctors #whatyoudoispartofyouribadah #doctorsforthesakeofAllah #aimd 👩🏻‍⚕️👨🏻‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️👨🏻‍⚕️

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Happiest birthday to my daughters' generous godmother and stage-mom to the microfashionista @danaateeqa! You deserve all the goodness in this world and in the akhirah because of your inherently kind heart, you are a blessing to everyone surrounding you, Inikulay. We love you and Dana so much! 😘😘😘 @sheb_md

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